Don't know who here has followed my story, but it's been quite a year for me. My W left me at the beginning of the year, she was having a long distance A with OM in another country. We have three little kids.
Each situation here has some similarities, and each has some differences. One big difference in my situation is that my W tried and tried and tried to get me to understand why she was so miserable and to give her what she needed, but I just wouldn't and couldn't listen to her and be the H she so wanted me to be. She wasn't asking for the moon, she just wanted me to be open emotionally, and cherish her more, and be more light and fun with her and the kids. I was a stressed out, overworked, miserable, semi-depressed person who was a big downer to live with. Not quite abusive, but bad nonetheless.
She retreated inside herself when she just couldn't get through to me, trapped by her vows in a M she grew to hate. She lived for years like that. Our M was a sad mess. She eventually told me she was leaving me, and only then did I take her seriously. I did turn myself around after that, and while she said she wouldn't leave, she couldn't find her way back to me either. She eventually started an e-mail correspondence with a man from her past, which grew into a torrid EA. She then told me we were done for good, she found a house to move to, and she was leaving. I soon found out about her A, but there was nothing I could do at that point. She moved out on New Year's Day.
My W's A intensified, and she travelled three times to see OM. I know from some intel that their R was very intense, very sexual, and she was someone with him that I never knew. I shut her out so much that I didn't even know who she was.
I used this year to really transform myself. I became much more open emotionally, and a very positive force in every area of my life. I got into great physical shape, and except for a few times my W and I got into arguments related to her A, I treated my W with much love and compassion. I had the advantage that her OM was far far away, so I didn't have to deal with him being here.
My W changed dramatically this year as well. She is so much nicer now. She has a kindness that is wonderful. She is great with our kids, and she treats me better than she did in our M. She is so alive now. I am blown away by how she has changed, and I have to say, I am almost intoxicated by how attracted I am to her. Her friends agree that she's almost like a new person, a good person. She and I have grown to really enjoy each other again, and feel ourselves getting closer.
We're now nine months into our separation, and my W's A has died way down, if not ended altogether. Last night she told me how sad she is over everything, that she misses the kids when she doesn't have them, that she still loves me. We've started discussing the possibility of reconciling, but we have a big problem.
The problem is that she says that although she knows it hurts me, her A was so intertwined with her finding herself that she can't regret it. She said she knows that means we can't ever be together again. I am miserably torn. I see her changes and I love who she has become, but I know the OM was a big factor in that. Would I ever be able to reconcile with her and enjoy who she is now when I know she will forever be grateful to OM for helping retrieve her from her pit of despair caused by our M? To be fair to me, her despair was also majorly caused by her abusive upbringing as well. Still, it seems impossible for me to be happy and fulfilled with her under those conditions.
I haven't read about any other situation here quite like this. Usually when the A is busted or over and reconciliation is discussed, the WAS is very contrite and remorseful, not GRATEFUL for the A and OP!
