One example occurred a few weeks ago. She dropped off my son late. I asked her why she did not call and let me know that she was going to keep him later than the agree upon time.
Instead of talking about it, she began to laugh and giggle like a teenager. I asked her why she was laughing and she didn't give a reason. But it was obvious to me. It was because I got upset.
Another example happened a month ago. She came by to drop him off again. This time, he did not have his seat belt on when he arrived. He's only 3, so he does not know how to unbuckle his seat belt.
I looked at her and she began to smirk. I held myself back and did not say a word. But, I knew what she trying to do. She wanted a reaction out of me. I didn't let it happen.
Examples like these drive me crazy.
On the other side, she has done things to try to flirt with me. On a few occassions, my son has come back smelling like her shampoo and body wash. His clothes would come back smelling like her perfume.
Plus, she would let me playfully touch her a couple of times. Also, she would try to find ways for me to call her. This reminded me of a high school mind game.
Now, I have become stronger and have not let her cake eat. I refuse to let her play with my emotions or try to let her keep me around emotionally. The OM is now responsible for her physical and emotional needs. I will just worry about me and our S.
First, although you know your son the best, don't let his age fool you. I have personally witnessed children that age removing their seatbelts.
It is so hard to deal with the stuff that involves or affects the kids. You will probably have a lot of anger in this area. All you can really do about it, unless she is being blantantly abusive to him, is use what you see to improve yourself as a father. Believe me, we all have room to improve.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
As I recall there's no agreement in place regarding visitation, right?
If she isn't going to buckle the kid in a seatbelt that's called negligence. You don't have to let her take him anywhere if you have reason to doubt his safety.
If she returns him late, and you don't have a written visitation agreement with pick up and drop off times stated, you have to decide whether you can be at the mercy of her whims. If not, get an agreement in writing. When she doesn't adhere to it, you don't have to let him visit.
You are the one with the power. Not her, but that's NOT what she thinks.
Do you think she's using drugs?
Keep it all business and nothin' but, Drew...
"Let anyone who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall" 1 Cor. 10:12
There is no written custody or visitation agreement. When I put one together, she refused to sign it. We came to an oral agreement since she refused to sign even though it was the exactly the same thing on paper.
Since she has not provided for our S since she moved out, I decided to go the legal route.
Concerning the drugs, I do think she is using. She has been dropping hints. Plus, she has lost a lot of weight very quickly. She does not look healthy at all. She continues to wear the same clothing even though she's lost a lot of weight. Its like she wants everyone to know how bad she looks.
I know that I have the power. I have set some boundaries and she has tried to test them. I just have to get used to her trying to test me. That's why I don't talk to her unless I really have to.
She will cycle between loving and hating you, so that may be why you see some of the flirting.
One thing I notice is it seems you're taking a hard line stance. In the beginning, as my friend Mach would say, you have to eat a lot of sh it.
My approach with my wife is as simple as treating someone as you would like to be treated. She deals me anger, I deal her kindness. It's not about now. It's about laying a foundation so that when the fog starts to lift, she remembers how she was treated even though maybe she didn't deserve it.
I think I have taken a lot of crap from her for a while. I listened and validated her claims. But after a while, I have decided that I had enough of the verbal spew.
Thus, I have minimized my contact with her by only discussing issues that relate to our son.
Now, I have set boundaries because I refuse to let her cake eat. I felt like she was leading me on for a while. Once I found out about the OM, that's when I stopped the chit chat and decided to drop the rope.
Even though its difficult, I will let her blow in the wind. My focus is now on improving myself and being a rock for my son.
You are far ahead of many others who have traveled this way.
They are flying through fog.
We are flying through flack.
She is gone. The person in her body is not the person you once knew (haven't you noticed?). Do what you must to take care of yourself and protect your son. By all means improve yourself (I'm beginning phase 2 of that myself). Do your best to ignore her.
You are also way ahead of many others if you stop her from eating cake now but don't expect that to change anything.
Good luck!
And good hunting!
Cheerio!
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12 Bomb and OM 12/15/06 Separated 01/02/07 Divorced 05/13/08 X married OM(OMH) 08/2009 Married 06/09/13
Its easier to deal with as each day goes by. There are some bad days when I can't get her out of my mind.
But I always say to myself that this is something she has to overcome on her own.
Everytime I see her, she looks unhappy. She can't look me in the eye on most occassions. I just don't see that confidence she used to have. She also walks like an elderly lady. No hop in her step.
Its just sad.
Concerning my Noles, that's one change that will never happen. I bleed Garnet and Gold, Mach and D Money.
