So, it seems it may be time to leave Newcomers, though I really dislike the title of this forum...sounds so much like the title of a B movie...anyway, I think this is the better forum for me now.
SBXH and I signed our separation agreement and I deeded my house over to him (well, my half of it anyway)about two weeks ago. We were together in my attorney's office and I do not recommend doing it this way. Now, the divorce complaint is sitting in my email inbox awaiting my review. Once I sign it and it gets filed, I will be "divorced by Thanksgiving" as my attorney said it with a little too much glee for my taste.
For those of you reading this who do not know me, I decided quite a while back that I did not want to reconcile with my SBXH. I have been working through the process of...well... a lot it seems: grieving that loss, finding myself again, learning to depend on myself, finding my laughter, building new relationships, losing some others (my brother has stopped speaking to me and most of my work relationships have gone to hell - funny, they are all men, I am sure there is something to unpack there).
This last bit, losing other relationships is part of the reason for my post today. Guess I have known some muck has been turning in me because I thought about starting the new thread last night but in typical VV fashion, I just look the other way, tell myelf I am just fine, and analyze my way out of feeling things I do not want to feel. Since that sort of behavior is what got me into a marriage that was not the best thing for me, I am working to change that about myself...hence, the new thread.
I have made so many strides in my personal life in the 14 months since SBXH and I split. I am so much stronger and more independent than I ever was before. The funny thing is that as my personal life has goteen better and better (ever so slowly), it appears that my work life has been falling apart. In fact, rather than concentrating on work right now, I am writing this because my head is so full from thoughts about it that I cannot concentrate on anything else.
It would make this post way too long if I were to include all of the details of the problems here so I will summarize it like this, for now...my work problems are partly my own fault, partly the fault of others and partly just the natural consequence of all of the changes I have made and been through.
Mostly, what I wanted to get out of my head and onto the page right now is this: I have lost so very much in the last 14 months...so much that it makes me sob as I type this and, today, it has become clear that I cannot simply keep skipping merrily long, telling myself how strong I am and deciding to just plow my way through the feelings by sheer force of will not to feel them. It is so clear to me as I look around the rubble that was once my promising career that there have been repercussions from the demise of my marriage that go way beyond the loss of a spouse.
I feel naked and raw today and I am wondering where I will find the energy and the strength to rebuild so much more than I thought I had to rebuild. I know that I will find it...I always have...just feel really overwhelmed today.
Guess taking a week off of running when one normally runs 5 days a week is a very bad idea...at least it's a place to start.
