Jody told you to go dark. Go dark. She knows your sitch, right? Why not listen to the db coach? Of all the many things I did, & the many tools I availed myself of....the db coaching is the one thing I would keep if I could only keep one tool.....don't ignore her advice.
Have you read the DB books? Go dark. It's not complicated and since he's out of the house it's a lot easier in some ways. AND He'll notice the 180's more when he does see you as you will be upbeat, relieved not to have to shoulder HIS burdens on you...nope, you'll be fun and exciting and interesting and of course that is attractive. If anything, if your h goes back to his depression -it will make him want more of you around so he can suck out your will to live....and spread his gloom to you or blame you for it. But when you are happy (act if you have to b/c as gimmicky as it sounds, it HELPS you get there, b/c there is truth to the 'fake it til you make it' cliche) it cannot cause him to be depressed...even HE knows this at some level.
Don't assume being miserable around him will remind him of the pain he has caused OR make him want to come home. No WAS comes home and stays, from guilt. Sorry, but I have never seen it happen. So lose that angle and start getting happy however you do it.
If you think that you being a good catch and being upbeat and optimistic about YOUR future, which you are taking charge of, while sadly resigned to the disastrous choices he is making for himself...will somehow push him away farther, then you need to re-think that. It won't. It'll intrigue the hell out of him at least. And you will feel better and that is never a bad thing.
Read the DB books again or ask others...but I stand by this. If you are really worried that your h will take his own life, THEN act on that & that alone... But don't let your fears of his problems control your life anymore. It's also very manipulative of him and or, an excuse of yours not to change and detach. You fear detachment means letting go, which it does. You think letting go means being alone, but you are now alone anyhow...Letting go admits it so you don't have to carry other's burdens anymore and you are free to live fully now, and to model for your d12 that life does go on.
Someday your d will be hurt or betrayed. YOU are now showing her how to handle it. Will she cave in to sadness and wait for a man to make her happy? Will losing a man or a job/promotion set her back so far she stays stuck forever? Will she spend a decade on something that should have lasted 3 months? Don't let her.
Show her what a strong dignified woman does in the face of adversity or betrayal. She picks herself up, dusts herself off, and moves forward knowing life and God have good things for her in store as she avails herself of all that life offers. And she tastes it fully and savors it and shows joy to her child, in the midst of her private suffering. She does NOT burden her child with it. She's watching you more than you know...do this for you and do this for her. And hope she teaches your grandchildren this vital lesson too.
Don't let his rainy clouds come into your sunshine...
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
