Getting Un"Stuck" - Giving My Burden to God

[25yearsmlc]

Stuck,

To answer your questions, when he was gone he called the kids and would only talk to me if I was nice and pleasant, & the calls continued. Sometimes he'd call the kids directly if he thought I'd "abuse him" (his words and in response to my asking him "how he could do this to us" etc) but he also went for weeks without contact with them, and he had been a very interactive dad before then. Granted, his work hours always sucked but when he was home, he was present for them and played with them, getting on the floor with the girls & playing with dolls too and really was a great dad...so this was new and so selfish to me. But then I wonder if it was just easier for him to bury his head in the sand/work/studies so that he could avoid the pain, and I happen to know him well enough to think that was it.

As for missing out on the "other life" your wife (AND MOST OF US) thinks was so great, well I KNOW H wondered the same thing. Frankly, I just let go of wondering about whether there was OW or not and am not interested in knowing. If there were an OW, she must not have meant enough to him and for me, that's what I need to know. Also, to be fair, I met a few men & had a drink or a dinner a few times, but never did anything untoward or that I'm ashamed of, (meaning no, I did not ML, etc) so I figure if I could do that, why assume he could not? He says there was no one he was intimate with and I choose to believe him. But I'm sure he explored it somewhat, as did I....and for me, the grass on the other side WAS green enough to stop fearing the single life so much. But not enough to want to cross a certain line...though I'd have rationalized it I think. Hey I met some guys who were attractive, & not threatened by my job or income, and who brought something to the table BUT I also met a lot of UNFUN men who were not attractive at all, which showed no self esteem in my eyes, and who were too sad/angry/bitter/ignorant to offer much....

I also realized my h had the qualities I wanted in a mate and SO--why on earth would I want to start ALL Over with someone who isn't the father of my kids, when ANY and ALL OM would bring some baggage to the table? I mean maybe if we were all 20 y/o and there were no past M's or stepkids, etc then it'd be an easier thing to start a clean slate. The reality for those over 35 is that there are few "clean slates" and nearly all OP will have a past they are dealing with and we'd have too also deal with, soooo, unless you are a "bad catch", in the long run, most rational women will choose to stay and make it work with their original mates if he's a good dad....

Like I said, most rational women. I can't speak to your w's depression or the nature of her R with OM, though. My h is by nature an optimist though he was lonely up in the tundra and admitted it later. The day he finished his boards, and therefore, his "mission, was THE SAME DAY he began calling me daily at least once and asking me to join him...literally the same day. He said "I'm BEGGING you to come up" and try it here, blah blah blah...So was that his aha moment? It was one of many. The one that hit me hard, in a good way, only came a few months ago...but the first one was that day. Don't expect it all at once. They won't likely get struck by lightning and wake up suddenly. It's an incremental thing. My h took 2 years to realize the depth of the pain he caused and what a road ahead he had, not so much with me, but with our d's...and he's trying.

I would stop harping on the damn A though...for now. I mean, it's one thing for when she decides to try and really work on the M but for now what is your goal in "de-coding the A" when SHE CAN"T????

A tip my DB coach gave me also about questions for WAS is this: "Don't ask questions beginning with 'why' or "how could you', b/c those are designed to put the person on the defense". "WHY are you doing this to us? HOW Could you treat your family this way???"""

She was right. You will NOT get your wife to slap her forehead and say, "OMG MUST BE B/C I'M SO SELFISH AND WACKO THAT I LOST MY MORAL COMPASS BUT THANKS TO YOU POINTING OUT ALL THIS, I NOW WANT YOU AND ONLY YOU AND THANK GOD FOR CLARIFYING THE WORLD FOR ME..." Sorry, I doubt that's gonna happen. Re-read my post. You are not detaching and it's either b/c you don't understand what it means, or you merely resist it.

Even if your wife did slap her forehead and had an "aha HOUR"...you would have to let go of the A and probably without ever understanding it. You think I totally understand why my h did what he did? I don't. I probably never will and I have come to accept that I do not have to. All I have to do is focus on our future and now, "from this day forward..." and really that is plenty for us.

It's enough for you too. Don't waste any more time hurting your "now" or your chances for a future, by endless questions that have no answers...I think it's one of the most frequent reasons why some M's don't end up reconciling. The LBS can't let go of something they don't "get"...and they need to let go of it.

Make sense?

j-