I am a creature of instinct. My analytical mind gives way to emotion much to easily. I am not an angry person. But I am an emotional person. I wish to god i knew how to control my emotion? Xanax? Ambien?
2) I am not going to live in an open marriage or otherwise share my wife with any other man.
These are really hard.
BINGO. Yes, they are. But they are also ESSENTIAL for your own emotional well-being and survival. In my case, I also had the above two, but I also added:
3) No texting or phoning OM from inside of our family's home;
4) No phoning OM in front of the kids, whether you're home or elsewhere; and
5) I will not spend our family's income on your affair -- tummy tuck Visa payment, lingerie, cellphone, etc. I'm cutting it off (and I did).
When I initially confronted W about her EA after finding the email exchange, I said the same things you did. I know what's going on, be honest, etc. She still lied. Then she stuck by her lie at MC...even expanded on it by saying she sent a NC email.
It might be time for boundary #2. I'd rather see one of us file for D TODAY than have her sneaking around behind my back with OM. I'm not going to do anything today. I need to wait until the anger goes away & I'm thinking more clearly.
Called a L today & I'm expecting a callback tomorrow. Time to get those legal ducks in a row.
E,
I commend you for making wise decisions in the face of such difficult emotional circumstances. You are doing the right things here.
Enforcing the "no deceit" boundary is going to be a CONTINUAL thing, I'm afraid you will find. What you need to do is, the next time she lies to you and you KNOW FOR A FACT she is lying, at that moment put your hand up in a "STOP" position and say "Stop it. We BOTH know you're lying right now, and it's incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage and to our family. This conversation is over until you're ready to speak honestly with me -- I think I deserve at least that much."
And then leave.
Same thing if she raises her voice to the point of screaming at you, or if she's vile, rude or hateful in the way she talks to you.
It will take a few tries, but I think you will not only find that it WORKS, but that it's incredibly EMPOWERING. I hated that it took my wife's infidelity for my to learn how to do it, but learning how to set -- and ENFORCE -- boundaries, is one of the best things that came out of our sitch.
I am a creature of instinct. My analytical mind gives way to emotion much to easily. I am not an angry person. But I am an emotional person. I wish to god i knew how to control my emotion? Xanax? Ambien?
You are an emotional being. Emotions are not to be controlled. They communicate the truth. Trust your emotions, but do not over react to them. Understand what message they are sending you. Stuffing emotions is not healthy. I believe we all have stuffed emotions and over react to them. I am feeling and trusting my emotions and then looking inward to determine what I need to change. There are times in our lives when we may need pills to help control our emotions so that we do not over react to the events in our lives and professionals can help determine if pills are a good solution.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
You both do. Now with W already announcing that she's moving out, do I still have the leverage to start setting boundaries? Right now, there's no transparency. She deletes emails, cell phone calls, texts. I don't have access to our cell bill because she's the primary account holder. What incentive is there for her to comply? I mean, I can try. Just not sure there's much of a "threat" at this point.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
Fair question, and you're right -- now isn't the time for some of those boundaries. But the "I will not live in an open marriage" is one that should ALWAYS be out there, on the table, non-negotiable. And I also think you can do the financial dis-enabling as well.
We have yet to sit down & discuss the financial aspects of our upcoming S. She'll have to initiate that conversation. But I will not be feeling generous when we do have that talk. No way in hell I'm paying for anything having to do with my W's apartment. I'll be lucky if I can afford the house bills by myself.
As for tonight, it went perfectly. W called as I was leaving work to ask if I could pick up our S from daycare since she had to work a little late. I picked him up and was long gone before my W even got home. We went to my family's house for dinner & a nice visit. W went out with coworkers. I got to spend time with my S & my family. She go to do whatever it is she wants to do. And I'm sure I'll be in bed before W gets home so hopefully I'll actualy get some sleep tonight.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
