Getting Un"Stuck" - Giving My Burden to God

[25yearsmlc]

Just a question....why bother to dig deep to get the old feelings back UNLESS you know she wants back in? I mean, there is such a thing as restoration of the marriage and it MAY include first detaching, learning to not care so much and IF AND WHEN you are confronted by the poss of reconciliation and she wants to do the work too, THEN DIG DOWN DEEP and rediscover what you thought, you had lost...it'll be there. But in the meantime you will have started to heal. You are confusing healing and moving forward with starting to dislike her. Detachment may lead to seeming indifferent but it has to, in the sense that YOU will be alright no matter what. That takes a bit of "indifference", if you want to call it that but I see it as mandatory AND a heck of a lot more attractive. Love is a choice REMEMBER?? So if you have to, down the road, you can choose to love her again. Most of us have to make that choice towards our spouses at some point...I know I have and will likely have to again, and hope my h will too. We are not always lovable/loving creatures...

It does NOT mean being rude to her, or uncaring as a person, ("Uncaring" isn't the same as letting her go...hard to explain...) But just that you are doing your own thing and being a great dad and evolving as a man, exploring things and yada yada..."Oh, what's that W? Why do I seem so busy lately? I have a lot of irons in the fire...what? You want to do some "R" talk? Fine just let me know b/c I have my thing to do now so I'll see ya later, and have a great night!"

You are upbeat about YOUR LIfe...and when you are forced to think of her choices, or poss choices, you are hoping for the best but prepared for her to make some huge mistakes for herself...and that saddens you a bit but you know you have NO control over her and you know you'd be wasting your life worrying about what she might do so you have to live your life now...yada yada...and then do it.

I think you should Stop forcing yourself to feel all the good feelings in the midst of her confusion b/c it sounds like torture to me...just mho.

j-

[C-Bart]

Stuck,
Thanks for continuing the posts. I really needed to read your sitch tonight to get me through. Been a rough couple of days. Nice to not feel so alone.

Thanks again.

[MrBond]

Hi C-Bart,

Thanks for checking in. It is tough for us on here to deal what we're dealing with. Especially as men, it's tough to deal the emotional issues like this.

Hope your sitch turns around too.

[MrBond]

25mlc,

Thanks for the comments.

"Just a question....why bother to dig deep to get the old feelings back UNLESS you know she wants back in?"

It really wasn't for her benefit. It was for me. I needed to have some kind of connection with her remaining in order for me to conquer the fear that was paralyzing me. Maybe I didn't mean the "old feelings", but a kind of affection so I could maintain a connection with her.

The thing is that living with a person who is just plain depressed all the time does wear you down. I've been going out with friends, laughed, kept things light, etc. But after awhile there are times where the cloud of her unhappiness just hangs over everyone. And I know at work she's a much different person. Just when she's at home and with me.

Like all others in MLC, if our M is to survive, she's going to hit that 'a-ha' moment where she learns that it's not me or the marriage, but her that's unhappy. I know I can't push her to that point or help her in any way, but I just get frustrated by her just sitting at home and choosing to be depressed.

I know, I know, all MLCers go through that. I know your H did. That's why I'm just venting here a little.

I think the reason I tend to center on her A is not because of the A itself, but what it represented. It was a bit of pleasure for her in her depression and that guy saw how depressed she was and took full advantage of her. But it also represented something new and exciting, and of course she contributed to it which fed the emotions. She can easily get those same feelings back in our R (what you feed grows) but I think she wants to be free to do the things she felt she missed out on (dating other guys). She's at a crossroads right now where she knows leaving is the wrong choice, but the pull of the fantasy is dragging her the other way. Plus her waffling back and forth about whether or not it was an A is so unlike her. She knows what she does yet is in denial until I ask her what would she call it if I did it. Then she gets quiet and reflective.

Ah but what do I care? I'm a great father, a great guy and I know what I bring to the table. It's her choice whether or not she wants to take off the fantasy blinders she has on.

When your H was gone, did you keep any contact with him? Did you "love him from afar" while maintaining your household? It is tough to maintain that loveline with all the resentment that's piled up for me.

[25yearsmlc]

Stuck,

To answer your questions, when he was gone he called the kids and would only talk to me if I was nice and pleasant, & the calls continued. Sometimes he'd call the kids directly if he thought I'd "abuse him" (his words and in response to my asking him "how he could do this to us" etc) but he also went for weeks without contact with them, and he had been a very interactive dad before then. Granted, his work hours always sucked but when he was home, he was present for them and played with them, getting on the floor with the girls & playing with dolls too and really was a great dad...so this was new and so selfish to me. But then I wonder if it was just easier for him to bury his head in the sand/work/studies so that he could avoid the pain, and I happen to know him well enough to think that was it.

As for missing out on the "other life" your wife (AND MOST OF US) thinks was so great, well I KNOW H wondered the same thing. Frankly, I just let go of wondering about whether there was OW or not and am not interested in knowing. If there were an OW, she must not have meant enough to him and for me, that's what I need to know. Also, to be fair, I met a few men & had a drink or a dinner a few times, but never did anything untoward or that I'm ashamed of, (meaning no, I did not ML, etc) so I figure if I could do that, why assume he could not? He says there was no one he was intimate with and I choose to believe him. But I'm sure he explored it somewhat, as did I....and for me, the grass on the other side WAS green enough to stop fearing the single life so much. But not enough to want to cross a certain line...though I'd have rationalized it I think. Hey I met some guys who were attractive, & not threatened by my job or income, and who brought something to the table BUT I also met a lot of UNFUN men who were not attractive at all, which showed no self esteem in my eyes, and who were too sad/angry/bitter/ignorant to offer much....

I also realized my h had the qualities I wanted in a mate and SO--why on earth would I want to start ALL Over with someone who isn't the father of my kids, when ANY and ALL OM would bring some baggage to the table? I mean maybe if we were all 20 y/o and there were no past M's or stepkids, etc then it'd be an easier thing to start a clean slate. The reality for those over 35 is that there are few "clean slates" and nearly all OP will have a past they are dealing with and we'd have too also deal with, soooo, unless you are a "bad catch", in the long run, most rational women will choose to stay and make it work with their original mates if he's a good dad....

Like I said, most rational women. I can't speak to your w's depression or the nature of her R with OM, though. My h is by nature an optimist though he was lonely up in the tundra and admitted it later. The day he finished his boards, and therefore, his "mission, was THE SAME DAY he began calling me daily at least once and asking me to join him...literally the same day. He said "I'm BEGGING you to come up" and try it here, blah blah blah...So was that his aha moment? It was one of many. The one that hit me hard, in a good way, only came a few months ago...but the first one was that day. Don't expect it all at once. They won't likely get struck by lightning and wake up suddenly. It's an incremental thing. My h took 2 years to realize the depth of the pain he caused and what a road ahead he had, not so much with me, but with our d's...and he's trying.

I would stop harping on the damn A though...for now. I mean, it's one thing for when she decides to try and really work on the M but for now what is your goal in "de-coding the A" when SHE CAN"T????

A tip my DB coach gave me also about questions for WAS is this: "Don't ask questions beginning with 'why' or "how could you', b/c those are designed to put the person on the defense". "WHY are you doing this to us? HOW Could you treat your family this way???"""

She was right. You will NOT get your wife to slap her forehead and say, "OMG MUST BE B/C I'M SO SELFISH AND WACKO THAT I LOST MY MORAL COMPASS BUT THANKS TO YOU POINTING OUT ALL THIS, I NOW WANT YOU AND ONLY YOU AND THANK GOD FOR CLARIFYING THE WORLD FOR ME..." Sorry, I doubt that's gonna happen. Re-read my post. You are not detaching and it's either b/c you don't understand what it means, or you merely resist it.

Even if your wife did slap her forehead and had an "aha HOUR"...you would have to let go of the A and probably without ever understanding it. You think I totally understand why my h did what he did? I don't. I probably never will and I have come to accept that I do not have to. All I have to do is focus on our future and now, "from this day forward..." and really that is plenty for us.

It's enough for you too. Don't waste any more time hurting your "now" or your chances for a future, by endless questions that have no answers...I think it's one of the most frequent reasons why some M's don't end up reconciling. The LBS can't let go of something they don't "get"...and they need to let go of it.

Make sense?

j-

[smith18]

Stuck - I can relate to your thougts. It is hard to not think about her MLC or WAW syndrome.

I can only imagine, that for a reconciliation to succeed, it would be for her to make the first moves at showing she wants it. Mine failed to do that - just words like "I want another chance" from her were not enough. If she had really wanted another chance she would have really tried to convince me why.

Detaching does have its drawback in that you continue to lose the connection with the person you promised to spend your life with.

I dont think you should say or ask her to label what she has done. She probably knows it, but admitting it is something that will take her a long time.

Man, I am hoping she can get that awakening soon for you.

[K4D]

Don't waste any more time hurting your "now" or your chances for a future, by endless questions that have no answers...I think it's one of the most frequent reasons why some M's don't end up reconciling. The LBS can't let go of something they don't "get"...and they need to let go of it.

I agree with this. In the end, it doesn't matter why or how could they. What matters is that they are back and ready to move forward with you if you can get to that point.

I'm starting to "get" this stuff to.

Kevin

[smith18]

A tip my DB coach gave me also about questions for WAS is this: "Don't ask questions beginning with 'why' or "how could you', b/c those are designed to put the person on the defense". "WHY are you doing this to us? HOW Could you treat your family this way???"""

I think you could generalize it even more - avoid the "You" questions or accusations. Stick with the less accusing "Me" feel statements.

BTW 25... A had a nice lady that is a lawyer start emailing me the other day. And it seems we have a lot in common. I really like how she says her occupation does not define her. That is how I feel about my boring occupation (computer programmer). She sure seems to have a great attitude about coparenting, putting feelings aside for the sake of the kids and not getting stuck on the past. She acknowleges that her X is a super dad just as I say the same about my X being a great mom.

But you are right about the whole dating thing. It can be a bit nerve racking to meet new people. Especially when one is a shy computer geek like myself.

[tristan]

But you are right about the whole dating thing. It can be a bit nerve racking to meet new people. Especially when one is a shy computer geek like myself.

This computer geek agrees. I sometimes wonder how I did it the first time

[MrBond]

25mlc,

Thanks. It makes perfect sense. I do get the detachment issue and right now I'm getting rid of the fear that I was gripped with from a couple of weeks ago. One day at a time.

I know it's normal for us "healthy" folks to want to help someone who we see as hurting and that's the part I need to detach from. I know for a fact that if we didn't have kids, I would've told her a long time ago to go out and find herself while I do my own thing.

When I went to see a T, he asked me why I wanted to stay married to my W. My W asked me the same thing. I think it's exactly what you said about your H. After I thought about things, I realized that she is who I wanted to be with. I've met other women and know for a fact I can get someone within a month if I really wanted to. But that's not my thing. She was/is my best friend and mother of my kids. We've gone through alot together and she needs to get through this part of her life journey on her own. I've just shown her that it's safe to come home if she chooses to.

But I'm going to continue doing my own thing and be happy in my own skin.