I sat in bed last night crying that she wasn't there with me, even worrying that she was with someone else, moving on with her life. Again, I have no reason to believe that is true at all...its all a fabrication in my head.
Yes, that's a common LBS syndrome, jumping to the worst conclusion. You are in a tough, tough spot right now. Try to be strong.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
What a day. It is raining and the weather is a perfect reflection of how I feel.
I saw my W again this morning. I stopped at the old house to drop off bedding, assuming that she would be gone for work. She was just leaving and stopped.
We spoke briefly. She said she had bought an electric blanket because it got pretty cold in the house at night. I offered to pay her for 1/2 of it, but she said no.
I asked her how the air matress was working for her, she's had some surgery recently that I think would not benefit from sleeping in such harsh conditions. She said it was okay, but she hurt. I said we should mvoe a bed over here so we can both be more comfortable. She agreed.
No talk about divorce, but it was a brief discussion. I told her to have a good day and she said "you too".
I dropped off my stuff and left. She was coming back when I left and I waved, she didn't wave back and I kept going.
I talked with my boss, who is a great friend as well, this morning. He told me he was impressed by how I was handling this. He said he had no advice on how to proceed and wished he did. I told him this story, which came from church. Maybe it will help you.
A mother and daughter are discussing adversity in marriage. While doing so, the mother puts three kettles with water on the stove and starts boiling water. They continue their discussion. The mother puts a carrot in one pot, an egg in another and coffee beans in the third.
After 20 minutes of continued discussion about adversity, the mother takes the carrot out and puts it in a bowl. She takes out the egg and puts it in another bowl. Finally she ladles out some of the coffee from the pot with the coffee beans.
She asked her daughter what changed with the carrot. Her daughter responded that it went in strong and came out soft, having lost all its strenght.
She asked her about the egg. She responded that it went in with a hard outter shell, but a soft middle, but came out hard all the way through.
She asked about the coffee beans. Her daughter responded that the coffee beans weren't in a bowl, coffee was.
Her mother smiled and said that all three, the carrot, egg and beans faced the same adversity, boiling water. While the carrot and egg changed because of the adversity, the coffee beans were the only one to actually change their adversity. They turned the boiling water to coffee.
She said adversity makes us decide if we will come out from under it like the carrot, broken down and unable to hold form, like the egg, hard and rigid or like the coffee beans, which took adversity and changed it to something good.
Each day I try to be the coffee beans. Some days I feel like the egg, some days like the carrot. But I continue to try to be the coffee beans and change my adversity.
All of you help me with that. Today I am the carrot. But I will continue to try and be the coffee beans.
I have hope, but for no apparent reason. I don't show this to my wife, I simply chose to be hopeful, even if we file this week. There are positive feelings between us yet, I know it.
If we end up divorced, it won't be because I didn't try. If we end up remaining married I will be better for this adversity.
I have decided that no matter the pain, I can not have regret about not trying to save my marriage. I am not perfect and I have made mistakes (over and over again), and will need to forgive myself for those. I can't yet do that, but will at some point. While I may always regret what I did, I will not allow myself to have more regret from not having done everything I can, right now, to save my marriage.
How long these endorphines last, I don't know, but I will enjoy the ride as long as I can and deal with the reverse when it comes.
Well, like usual, the endorphines are slowly wearing off and I find myself drifting to sadness.
I have conselling tomorrow, that will help.
I've decided that before the divorce kicks into high gear I am going to write our story down, sort of a therapy for me, but really as a legacy for our kids. Recounting all of the good and the bad in a relationship so that some day they understand all of this.
It is fun to write, I find myself unable to stop, but when I do, the realization that this love story has a sad ending really hits me.
It's sort of my version of Definitly, Maybe. My counselor suggested journalling, but this is my modification to that idea. A rememberance of how things were, lessons learned, mistakes made and wisdom gained....hopefully one day it will help my kids when they get married...to understand how and why things happen, but most importantly to realize that marriage takes a lot of work. It isn't magic, it is the result of hardwork, determination and forgivness.
If nothing else, maybe some good can come of this in the future.
Watch Chaos Theory sometime, I want to write that story for my kids; but right now, I think the ending will not be happy...but you never know. I still have a sliver of hope.
My wife emailed and asked to meet for lunch at the house to go over the transition of her comming home and me leaving. She added that she would bring the papers I need to sign. Bummer.
Yesterday I remained optimistic, today, not so much.
I watched "The Notebook" last night. God, I want that. One person that I spend my entire life with. One person to grow old with. I can't do that in divorce.
I am praying for strength and wisdom to do what is right today. Please pray for me.
This DB thing isn't working. She is more resolved to divorce me now then ever.
We just had a transition meeting and she was trying to get all of our finances figured out in a one hour meeting. 11 years of debt and two homes with mortgages and she thinks we can figure it out over lunch.
It was emmotional. I was certainly more controlled then I normally would have been, but I certainly was not as close to the model DBer as I would have liked to have been.
I have failed to tell you one important dynamic in this whole thing. I am the Mayor of my community. She is mad because she says people really like me and people are shunning her now. "friends" don't reply to her emails, people whisper behind her back, etc... She said everyone thinks you're such a great guy. I just want out, I want the divorce over and I want it done now.
At that point, I tried to be as level headed as I could. I told her that wasn't all true and that many people have asked about her. I know people have offered to help her; she rejects them and says she is fine. She doesn't talk to others because "they just try to change my mind".
Honestly, two weeks ago I would have been more devestated then I am right now. I don't know how to feel about that. I guess I have taken the long term view on this that no matter what I do today, I am not getting a divorce for 4-8 months. She didn't have the paperwork ready again and when she printed it at home, realized one of the pages needed a notary.
She did tell me that there is nothing for me to sign today, but we need to get it figured out.
She wants the finances seperated ASAP and I told her I would work on it today. She picked the debts that she will take and I picked mine. We were fair.
Her problem is that as the Mayor of my hometown, she feels like the whole town is against her. If you've read this thread, you will know what I have done. It is my fault. However, I didn't have an affair with anyone, emotional or otherwise, but porn is still cheating, I firmly believe that now. Looking at personals was also cheating. I never cooresponded with anyone, but that doesn't matter. She says she doesn't believe there isn't anyone else no matter what I say.
I did look her in the eye and told her the truth. She said to stop, it just makes her more mad. So I stopped and went back to discussing kids, finances, etc...
I'm very sad right now. It kills me to see her so sad and to know it is my fault makes it all the worse.
Hang in there mr mayor! I know how you feel. DB isn't about doing the opposite of what you feel. It is about doing what works. If what you are doing isn't working, do something else. Cheeseless tunnels. Galing is meant to counteract what you are feeling. If you don't Gal you feel this way. I know, because I feel that way. Stop putting your needs before hers.
At that point, I tried to be as level headed as I could. I told her that wasn't all true and that many people have asked about her. I know people have offered to help her; she rejects them and says she is fine. She doesn't talk to others because "they just try to change my mind".
Quote:
she feels like the whole town is against her.
So agree with her. Being "level" headed doesn't work. Validate how she feels. "I can understand how you could feel that the whole town is against you."
Quote:
She says she doesn't believe there isn't anyone else no matter what I say.
Words won't fix this. Your consistent loving actions will. You don't rebuild trust with words. Be impeccable with your actions and follow thru on what you say. She is watching you. You can handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
