Wife says she wants me to move on

[Virtually_Handsome]

I wouldn't cancel something that's already set. But don't push for more. The more you pursue, the faster she will run. You can count on that.

There's a difference between backing off and ignoring. As far as talking about the R, don't ask her what she is doing, or planing. Don't tell her what you are doing or planning.

Nothing is going to happen quickly. You didn't get to where you are quickly, either, if you look back on it.

Get the book and read it.

[john210]

Brkn, I have not read all your sitch but it is eerily similar to so many I have come across (including mine). Obviously the advice I give in general is based on my experience and may be a little more "aggressive" than others.
I would say that if you have not been abusive and or an all around [censored] to your wife, there is a BIG chance that there is someone else. If she is telling you to move on, there is very little you can do or say at this time that will have any positive effect on her. Therefore my advice is go dark...get the heck out of her face. Make her miss you....NOW. take care of YOU and nobody else. If it is meant to be she will come back slowly.
And finally this a LONG process....longer than you want to believe....so do not get over analytical. Just leave her alone.

[brknheart]

thanks for all the comments. I plan on going to B&N tonight to buy DR book. Regarding a OM, its always possible but I just cant see her doing that. As cold as she has been, I just cant see her doing that. I guess I could start spying/snooping more to find out. I have looked at her cellphone record but most of the phone numbers are useless since they are unlisted. She txt messages a lot, but I would need to look at her phone for that.

[K4D]

I guess I could start spying/snooping more to find out.

You need to ask yourself a few things before you take this route.

Are you ready and can you handle it if there is someone else involved. Are you ready to handle what you may find out if you go snooping? What do you hope to accomplish by snooping? How will it benefit your situation? Will it destroy you if you discover intimate things that you did not know? Will you replay those in your mind and fume and let it bring you down?

I ask these things because I did the snooping and it was the absolute worst thing I ever did. I read things that I wish I would never have read. I played them over and over in my mind. I let it control me and almost destroy me. I like you also thought I could never see my W doing that. That is not her. I would have bet a million dollars on it and I would have lost.

The true saying on here and it really is absolutely true is believe nothing you hear and only 50% of what you see. I cannot tell you how much that has been true for most everyone on here including myself.

Also remember, if you do discover OM, how do you think you W will respond to knowing that you were snooping? Will she take kindly to it? Probably not. Will she assume you have broken her trust as ridiculous as that is? Probably so.

If you decide to embark on that journey, just make sure you are FULLY prepared for what you may discover. Most people aren't. I wasn't.

K4D

[K4D]

Puppy on the other hand would tell you to find out and bust up the A. But if you go that route, consult with Puppy first on how best to do that as he can walk you through that to be the most effective at doing it the right way.

Kevin

[dday101798]

Oh yeah, I neglected to mention, my XW always said there was no place on this Earth for cheaters. The irony.

[K4D]

My W berated someone else for cheating also during her own time of cheating. Imagine the irony there to. It makes you not suspect them if they go after someone else for doing it.

Kevin

[john210]

kevin, I agree with everything you wrote above. The following question however is totally irrelevant as far as I am concerned.

how do you think you W will respond to knowing that you were snooping?

personally IF my spouse is cheating and lieing to my face in the process, the last thing I am worried about is how he / she responds to my snooping.

As I mentionned earlier, I agree with the rest of your post....make sure you can handle what you find. The reason why it nearly destroyed you is because you were willing to bet 1 million dollars, therefore, you thought; no way not her. Well, I was willing to bet alot less...so perhaps it hurt less. If I had a donut for every person on these boards that thinks that their spouse is not (was not or is not on the verge of being) involved with someone else....well I would have difficulty getting in and out of my clothes.

[K4D]

personally IF my spouse is cheating and lieing to my face in the process, the last thing I am worried about is how he / she responds to my snooping.

It backfired for me. My W was more livid at me and threatened to press charges against me for invasion of privacy even though I hadn't broken any laws by discovering it on a computer in the living room of our house. None the less she said I could not be trusted and held it against me. Ironic I know. But it did not improve my situation. Now I did contact OM after and that pretty much ended the A. But things are not coming together between me and my W.

Kevin

[Phoenixdeux]

Kevin,

That's what a guilty person says. Of course the spouse is angry that the secret came out. My wife was angry at me too and said similar things. That angry subsides...she has mentioned in the 3 years we have been back together that her trust was violated. The one that should have trust issues is the one cheated on, knew it in their heart, and had to snoop because there is no way the cheating spouse would be honest about it.