Wife says she wants me to move on

[brknheart]

My wife and I detached from each other over 2 mths ago (not in love with me), separated over a month ago. Before the separation she wanted to work things out but needed space, 2 weeks after she told me she doesn't want to work on the marriage and wants a divorce. Ive given her space but every time I see her she insist that we are getting a divorce and she will probably not change her mind. She is 99.9% sure she wants the divorce. One of the main reasons is she said she gave me chances over the years and she doesn't want to waste anymore time. She has done some really fked up things since the separation, said some hurtful things. She also confused me several times by leading me to believe shes not sure what she wants, but this is only when the emotional barrier she built is down (her guard down). She tells me that I keep getting ideas and only see what I want to see, make things sound like what I want to hear and not what she is actually saying. She spent the night last Thursday (intimate) and Sunday, but she says nothing has changed. Before she left, she was sleeping in another bedroom, closed the door when dressing, wore robe to bathroom, etc. The other day she didnt do any of those things, she seemed comfortable with me. She insist on me moving on, even said I should start seeing other people. I know she isnt seeing anyone, so it makes me wonder if she is just saying those things to see what I would do. Regardless, I couldnt bring myself to date anyone at least until the divorce is final. Sunday night she "gave in" to me and said the only thing she can give me right now is 1-2 nights a week to spend time with me. We could go out to a movie, dinner, etc. It wont be as a couple, more like friends. Im on the fence on whether I should even do this, since it may make things worse between us. Having no contact seems to make things worse, drift her further apart from me. I dont want to set myself up for disappointment again. I am debating on whether to just let her go and throw in the towel. Give her what she wants. Things that Ive been thinking about a.) family has said things they wouldnt have said in the past, hates how she is handling this situation, even if we get back together how will my family handle it b.) will I always be worried if she would do this again, especially if we have a kid c.) do I want this to work because i was comfortable. d.) we still have 4.5 mths before we could even get a divorce, it seems like an eternity, should i go on with my life, make plans to move back to family, nobody knows what can happen in these 4.5 mths.

[Phoenixdeux]

Is she cheating on you? How long have you been married? Why does she feel it wouldn't work? What are the problems in the marriage?

I'm with you on having some doubts, especially if you haven't been married long. If this was really sudden and there weren't a lot of problems, I'd suspect she's cheating, and separation certainly gives her the space for that.

Instead of making any decisions about the marriage, how about you try out this newfound single life for a bit. Put yourself in the mindset of a divorced man...it might make it easier to do what you need to do to become happy with just you again. Go out with friends. Do things you've always wanted to try.

As far as dating her...as long as she's spouting "just as friends", I'd limit those and let her drive any get togethers. I wouldn't ask her out. If she asks you to do something, even though you want to, I'd suggest at least half of the time saying, "sorry, I can't, I already have plans." It would be best to actually keep yourself so busy that you do have plans, but I'd turn her down even if you don't, and then make plans. Get out of town for a weekend. You need to get to the point where you can make an informed decision about what she brings to the table. If she's walking already (or cheating), you want to go into any continued relationship with her with open eyes. The happy news about all this is that you don't have kids with her.

[lonelywolf]

Well, I had some advice, but Phoenixdeux's last paragraph was pretty much what I was going to say. It's paradoxical, but a lack of contact seem to help - see the "last resort" techniques in DR. Constant contact often just reminds them of all the reasons they want to split up with you, but leave them in the dark and they wonder what you're doing and start to become more interested in you again.

I say good on you for wanting to wait until the divorce is final to start dating again. I know that's not the choice everyone makes, and it works for some people to start dating before it's final, but I think we need more people who just say that marriage is so sacred that even when its on the rocks and headed for total disaster, it should still be treated as something special.

But that's just me - I won't argue that everyone should do it because from reading these forums, dating again before the divorce was final actually helped save some marriages, and I'm all for saving marriages.

[brknheart]

I updated my sig, married for 9 years. She is not seeing OM, but im not sure about an EA. Since EAs can exist just in the mind of the S, I cant be sure about this. Its almost as if she is having an EA with herself, since she talks about never wanting to get married again and being a single mom. The reason she wants to give up is she said that she has never been happy, that I took to long to work on my anger problem (started seeing a counselor this year, my anger is only verbal), and that marriage hasnt worked for her. She also said I didnt give her what she needed and she feels unwanted/ignored. The past year of our marriage has been tough, mainly because I was laid off work and became depress and also the fact that we didnt spend much time together because of her schooling. From the beginning, I asked her just for one more chance, that this time was different, we have never been separated before. Ive realized things I took for granted and we agree that both of us played a part in this. What happen last week with us messed with my head, sort of like opening a wound again that ive been trying to heal since she moved out. I felt close to her but I guess she just wanted sex. She was the wife I fell in love with, kind, big smile, funny. Now she went back to the resentful, angry, end all woman that I do not know.

[Virtually_Handsome]

Reading between the lines, it sure looks to me like you are talking about your R with her way too much. Have you read DR?

[brknheart]

Reading between the lines, it sure looks to me like you are talking about your R with her way too much. Have you read DR?

No, I havent read DR. Is that the best book to read in my situation, where the W doesnt want the marriage to work?

regarding me talking about the R with her to much, what do you mean by that? To much info?

[Virtually_Handsome]

DR is a good thing to read, whether she wants to work on things or not. It's about working on you.

As far as too much R talk... I'll highlight the parts that make me think that:

My wife and I detached from each other over 2 mths ago (not in love with me), separated over a month ago. Before the separation she wanted to work things out but needed space, 2 weeks after she told me she doesn't want to work on the marriage and wants a divorce. Ive given her space but every time I see her she insist that we are getting a divorce and she will probably not change her mind. She is 99.9% sure she wants the divorce. One of the main reasons is she said she gave me chances over the years and she doesn't want to waste anymore time. She has done some really fked up things since the separation, said some hurtful things. She also confused me several times by leading me to believe shes not sure what she wants, but this is only when the emotional barrier she built is down (her guard down). She tells me that I keep getting ideas and only see what I want to see, make things sound like what I want to hear and not what she is actually saying. She spent the night last Thursday (intimate) and Sunday, but she says nothing has changed. Before she left, she was sleeping in another bedroom, closed the door when dressing, wore robe to bathroom, etc. The other day she didnt do any of those things, she seemed comfortable with me. She insist on me moving on, even said I should start seeing other people. I know she isnt seeing anyone, so it makes me wonder if she is just saying those things to see what I would do. Regardless, I couldnt bring myself to date anyone at least until the divorce is final. Sunday night she "gave in" to me and said the only thing she can give me right now is 1-2 nights a week to spend time with me. We could go out to a movie, dinner, etc. It wont be as a couple, more like friends. Im on the fence on whether I should even do this, since it may make things worse between us. Having no contact seems to make things worse, drift her further apart from me. I dont want to set myself up for disappointment again. I am debating on whether to just let her go and throw in the towel. Give her what she wants. Things that Ive been thinking about a.) family has said things they wouldnt have said in the past, hates how she is handling this situation, even if we get back together how will my family handle it b.) will I always be worried if she would do this again, especially if we have a kid c.) do I want this to work because i was comfortable. d.) we still have 4.5 mths before we could even get a divorce, it seems like an eternity, should i go on with my life, make plans to move back to family, nobody knows what can happen in these 4.5 mths.

If there's one thing that's not going to help right now, it's talking to her about your situation. Back way off on that.

As you said, you have some time. I would say back off, spend less time with her, read DR, and start working on yourself. A lot of it is counterintuitive, but doing what's intuitive hasn't been working, right?

[brknheart]

DR is a good thing to read, whether she wants to work on things or not. It's about working on you.

As far as too much R talk... I'll highlight the parts that make me think that:

If there's one thing that's not going to help right now, it's talking to her about your situation. Back way off on that.

As you said, you have some time. I would say back off, spend less time with her, read DR, and start working on yourself. A lot of it is counterintuitive, but doing what's intuitive hasn't been working, right?

Thanks for the reply. Thats what I was doing the first month, backing off, not seeing her, being away from the house when she wanted to come to the house, etc. It seemed like things between us got worse. Like I said, before she moved out she didnt want a divorce, now she insist on one. So I should go back to ignoring her? She made a comment last week that I was keeping her in the dark since the separation started. So I should cancel our movie date for tomorrow night?

[dday101798]

She is not seeing OM, but im not sure about an EA. Since EAs can exist just in the mind of the S, I cant be sure about this. Its almost as if she is having an EA with herself, since she talks about never wanting to get married again and being a single mom.

Word to the wise, my now XW, even when OM was clearly known, said the same, doesn't want to rely on anyone, wants to live life for herself, independent of men.

Well, not even a week later, she moved in with OM, they've since acquired a 'home' and were engaged long before our D was even in progress (legally anyways).

My 'favorite' phrase XW coined: "it's not like that".

So, just be leary.

[LolaL]

I have to agree. It does sound like an OM. Anyone who has been in that sitch does not see it coming, and the WAS is really good at hiding it. It may not be physical, but either way, it sounds too fishy for there not to be someone else involved...