Hi. I've done a lot of fun things with my DD the last couple of days. On Saturday, I took her to see her first movie - Toy Story 1 and 2. On Sunday, we went to church and then I took her to a fall festival at a local landscaping place that has a petting zoo. She LOVED the petting zoo and feeding the goats and sheep. : ) And today, I stepped a little out of my comfort zone and we went to a playground and met some new mommies and kids. That was the new group I joined from meetup.com. I feel more comfortable hanging with people I already know, but I'm really happy I went and took some steps to make some new friends and get out of the house more. They seem like a nice group.
But I have to be honest, I'm having a hard time today. I've found myself in tears a few times and I'm not sure why. I guess it's just everything - it all feels totally unfair. I'm so angry and I'm so hurt and it gets really old just telling myself to be happy and act like I am.
And I feel such confusion over everything. I haven't seen H for 4 days and haven't heard much of anything from him. I'm starting to think he probably loves the fact that I've stopped contacting him - now he has even more freedom to do whatver he wants.
I hate what he's doing to me and our DD. I hate that I can't seem to get through to him. I hate that nothing I do seems to spark anything in him. He doesn't seem to notice or care.
At this moment, I feel like giving up. BUT...I'm not.
As for the 180s - IDK what to do. Not contacting is a major one, keeping my mouth shut (not nagging, complaining, saying stuff about his parenting...) is another one. And I suppose putting on some fake happy face is still another.
I'm sorry I sound like such a downer tonight. I don't sleep well and it's really catching up with me. I'm exhausted both physically and emotionally.
It's been too long living in this limbo land. 15 months ago he stated his unhappiness and we are quickly approaching 12 months since he last stayed in our house. Is it ever going to get better?
Gotta run for now - dishes to clean up, dinner to put away, laundry to do...you know how it is.
Last edited by courts0818; 10/05/0910:35 PM.
Me: 34 H: 34 DD: 3 M: 8 yrs H moved out Oct. 2008, "not happy" "don't know what I want" "will always love you, but not in love with you" PA Bomb: April 5, 2010
Well, I had bad dreams last night. But, thankfully I feel better today. H is here right now with DD. I'm trying my best to be cheery and nice. Gonna try to get DD's dinner and then maybe leave. But, it's cold, windy and rainy. If I stay home, I'll be plesant and keep myself busy.
Me: 34 H: 34 DD: 3 M: 8 yrs H moved out Oct. 2008, "not happy" "don't know what I want" "will always love you, but not in love with you" PA Bomb: April 5, 2010
I did a good job tonight. : ) I was nice and playful with DD and even talked a little bit to H. We joked around just a little. Considering that I haven't said much of anything to him in 2 weeks, tonight was good.
I left around 7 and came back at 9. It's still sad that H doesn't seem to care about what I'm doing, but I put on a good fake job tonight. I was def. upbeat and I didn't say one word about what he was doing with DD.
DD did ask where I was going and I hesitated and said the store (which was the truth). I guess bc I paused for a second before answering her, H said, "lie." Not sure what that's supposed to mean. But, I'm not a liar. I went to Target and Kohls. I just don't need to tell him where I'm going.
Feeling better for now - if only I could sleep well. It's crazy how one day I can be totally down and in tears and the next day I feel good.
Me: 34 H: 34 DD: 3 M: 8 yrs H moved out Oct. 2008, "not happy" "don't know what I want" "will always love you, but not in love with you" PA Bomb: April 5, 2010
Feeling okay today - just tired. I would love to take a nap, but I have too much stuff to do around the house.
Had to ask H to come over and watch DD tonight bc work called and asked if I could help with a community event tonight. So we saw him 2 days last week and we are supposed to see him 5 days this week - nothing about this situation makes sense, but whatever. I'm just trying to make the most of every moment. Putting on a happy face and putting concealer under these tired eyes. : )
Me: 34 H: 34 DD: 3 M: 8 yrs H moved out Oct. 2008, "not happy" "don't know what I want" "will always love you, but not in love with you" PA Bomb: April 5, 2010
Hahaha, I'm sorry I can't help but laugh at H saying Lie. Good for him! His wheels are turning, just because he hasn't verbalized it doesn't mean he is not thinking it. Way to go on the 180's and even putting on a happy face!
Speaking of concealer, I have never had a need to use it daily until recently. I swear I have aged since all of this happened. Crazy.
Good luck with the 5 days this week. If it gets to be too much, leave.
Me 37 H 41 2-dd's (2,3) T-14 M-10 D-Day 6/18/09 (MOW ended their brief "love" affair a few weeks later) Separated- 7/3/09
Just wanted to update and say that tonight went pretty good. When H came home I was making DD a sandwich, H said it looked good. I asked if he wanted one and he said yes. That was the first nice thing I've even thought about doing for him lately.
Tonight DD was on a monster kick - thinking there are monsters in the house. So, we got out the squirt bottle and started spraying our "Go Away Monster Spray" which is water. She sprayed her room and then we went into our bedroom. H was watching TV on the bed and I coudn't resist, I squirted him right in the face. ha ha. I just had to do it. Well...it turned into a huge water fight and a wrestling match and a lot of trash talking. All in all it was fun. And when he dumped a small bucket of water all over the floor, I didn't have a fit. I just laughed and seeked revenge.
We also ended up having a plastic block fight tonight. I'm not sure what all this was about - and I'm still focusing on ignoring him and GAL. But, it was nice to just have a little fun with him. I for sure let him see fun Courtney. Heck, I even drank one of his beers and I very, very rarely drink a beer. Guess I was cutting loose and just thought it sounded good.
When he left tonight, I was chopping up apples. He walked out and a minute or so later he came back in with my cell phone. That was weird. I had noticed that my phone wasn't on the counter where I was chopping apples, but I didn't really think anything about it. When he walked back in with my phone, I had a puzzled look on my face and I made a comment - I can't even remember exactly what I said. But, he said he didn't look through it. Now that's weird. I had like 150 text messages on my phone, but nothing bad... and that's too bad...would have liked to make him think a little about what was on there. IDK if he even looked, but why would he even take my phone?
I just want to be sure that my playful behavior the last 2 days isn't giving him the idea that everything is cool. That's a hard balance - trying to show him I'm no longer focused on him, but also that I'm still fun, happy and carefree.
Me: 34 H: 34 DD: 3 M: 8 yrs H moved out Oct. 2008, "not happy" "don't know what I want" "will always love you, but not in love with you" PA Bomb: April 5, 2010
He said "Lie" huh. I wonder if hes thinking that you are off to a fabulous party... or a date? Let him wonder!
Im glad that you are doing better. Dont worry too much about your bad days, they happen, and they pass. You should go buy yourself some new make up, the good stuff, I always liked to get things that made me feel a little pampered!
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Any thoughts on him picking up my phone? Guess it doesn't really matter. Just gotta keep doing my own stuff.
Me: 34 H: 34 DD: 3 M: 8 yrs H moved out Oct. 2008, "not happy" "don't know what I want" "will always love you, but not in love with you" PA Bomb: April 5, 2010
