In catching up on this and taking in others inputs a little thought occured to me.
IF my XW were to infact reach her epiphany and make a full fledged attemp to come back, what would she have to say to me? What would silence the overprotectiveness of my own subconscience now?
Would it be her professing her feelings of regret and remorse? Would it be her professing her desire to set the wrongs things right? No, I think not.
What would? Well, as phoenix eludes, some spark, her presentation of herself. That would get things going in the right direction.
I mean, even as it is now, when my XW has expressed her feelings, I questioned it for a little and then let it go. But, yet, it's the times when she says barely anything, and threw a a sneakish grin in at the end of saying the slightest little thing, that's what burns my curiosity. It's easy to question why we say the things we do, but harder to assertain the things we do.
I guess the point is I'm trying to get at, is just the same as when a LBS 'persues' the WAS with begging and pleading, it pushes the WAS away, so thus the same when the WAS becomes the LBS and does the same, should it not net the same result?
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
That's very true, we have switched roles here haven't we...I am now more the LBS, You are right, I'm going to take all the wonderful advice given here and start really keeping my emotions in check, (tough as that can be sometimes), but I think I can do this. It's amazing to me how I feel this strange sense of calm in the midst of all this. I'm sure it's because I've been able to keep a positive attitude that I don't think could have exsisted without this site actually.
Thanks again for all your responses and Happy October....
I'm thinking I shouldn't invite him to do things with me and our son, example, go to movie or pumpkin patch.. if we're planning to go? I've sort of done that a couple of times and he's been busy and all that's doing is making me feel let down mostly.
I'm thinking I shouldn't invite him to do things with me and our son, example, go to movie or pumpkin patch.. if we're planning to go? I've sort of done that a couple of times and he's been busy and all that's doing is making me feel let down mostly.
Sorry mar, been down ill the last few days.
NO, I'd keep casually inviting. I have never seen anything wrong with that as it should benefit your son, NOT you or XH. I continually invite XW to nostly Friday night dinners when I pick the boys up for my weekends. Because THEY want it, they really, really do. Even they at 11 and 12 say it would be theraputic for them just to have a 'family dinner', after all even though we're not married anymore, we are still mom and dad.
(and yes, I'll admit and have said, it would be theraputic for myself and XW to at least repair the basis of our friendship and promote the ability to co-parent more effectively, and maybe, just maybe somewhere down the line open up a possiblilty to have a fresh start)
XW has made excuse after excuse and then finally fessed up it would get her in deep with OM, I know, not the same, but I guess my point is if you continue to at least extend the offer, you'll either some day get a bite, or at least a valid expination as to why he feels it's not in his best interests at the moment. But at some point I would suggest just saying 'hey, I know I've put my personal feelings out there and it's not what you want right now, but doing something together every now and then would help our son out a lot'.
Bottom line, no matter what has or will happen between you and XH, there's still another person suffering the consequences here, got it?
And who knows, through that, then XH might warm up a bit, and then who knows?
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Thank you dday...I don't hear from the Ex much these days. Last time I picked up my son I tried not to stay long, but my boy was insistent on me tickling him and showing me things...my Ex was tired on the couch and we didn't talk that much except about what I did over the weekend with our son. I was upbeat, and getting ready to get him was kind of fun (It was like I was getting ready for a date with him) : ) All that for 1/2 hr.. but hopefully worth in the end someday... The dinner you guys do together sounds great, maybe I can suggest that...family dinner has always been important to me and us with my other 2 kids that are now grown.
Sometimes I feel like maybe we're just not going to get to that place I wish we would, but I guess you just never know and that keeps me going.
I know when my parents passed away, I noticed, in each case, that no one talks about it as they do when the funeral ect.. goes on, and it's like people forget about you. So, I did get a card and an ornament (memories, which you can put a picture in), and thought I'd mail it to him. I thought it would be nice, but do you think it would be appropriate considering the circumstance we're in?
Sorry, guess you mis-read me, our 'family dinner' has still never materialized, "OM would be furious". But none the less, I still extend the offer, can't say it wasn't there ya know.
We haven't sat down as a 'family' since August last year, again at my suggestion, at "our house", it was ok then but apparently not now.
I wouldn't completely back off as previously suggested, but merely acknowledge your presence, and casually extend the offer from time to time. Who knows, maybe one day your son may encourage him along as well. But I certainly wouldn't 'ram it down your X's throat' either.
Gifts, all depends. My X and I certainly are not on the level. We haven't acknowledged b-days or any holidays since the passing of our 10th anniversary last October. I have in my own way, helped the boys bake stuff or cook her something, but that's it. I did however buy her this James Dean picture (whom she adores) that I just could not pass up when buying the boys some school supplies. Suffice it to say, at the time, we were getting along and she was actualy blown away when I gave it to her. You might want to try the same approach? Just a glancing, "hey, I was in the store and saw this and I thought you'd like it is all".
I guess through it all, you do have remember, you have put the guy through a bit, granting his own shortfalls, but none the less.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
It had been a few days and I had been getting discouraged that my Ex hadn't called, or texted or emailed me... but on Sat morning he did call, said he was catching up on calls because he didn't have any mins left on his cell..we talked for almost an hour! and to make a long story short, he brought up going to Disney again and wanted to make sure I was still interested in going and then on Sunday he invited me to take our son to a movie. A couple of hours before the movie, I texted and asked if they wanted to go out for a quick dinner (nothing fancy), and we did : ) We had a great time. Earlier that day, I was at an art show, and close by there was a chocolate place, so I got a choc halloween bat for our son and a favorite piece of dark choc for my Ex too, when he got out of the car, he said...Look I didn't forget! (the choc) : ) I think this is all great : ) Then we made plans to get pumpkins next weekend and our son told us both he wanted both of us to take him out on Halloween.....
