What to do when H doesn't contact?

[jon2911]

You may not see it from where you are, but these are some HUGE improvements. Contact, taking your D to a Dr. Appointment, lots of good changes. Now, don't overreact. I think his question makes sense. Why send him the statements every month? Your response was good, that there needs to be communication about bills like this. Just be careful to not come across needy and nagging. You're doing great!

[Goodfight]

Thanks Jon and J. But J the phone message that H left wasn't rude. So that's why I sent him a voice mail message and answered him.

He also text me a joke last night and I sent it back to him. But then he said he didn't mean to send it to me. My girlfriend said yeah right he meant to send it to you.

J, I know I need to detach. Just having a really hard time doing it. Thanks for answering me.

[K4D]

Everyone is right Lost,

Detachment is a must. I feel like I am starting to detach now. Something happened Monday night that normally would have destroyed me, but surprisingly, I am not letting it do to me anymore what it would have done in the past. I am instead focusing my efforts on work, my kids, and my home. I have started spending more time at home now working on my place as well as picking up my wardrobe. I am now going to C and doing my homework. I lost a friend because I wasn't really trying to improve myself. Now I am. And you know what, I feel better about myself. I am trying to make plans for things I can do for fun for myself.

Oh, I still pray for my marriage and my W. But I am not letting it determine my own progress now. I am starting to implement some changes and I never really truly realized how much work it really is to do it. But I am finding out, that it really does take work. And it takes work every single day. Each morning you have to wake up and decide you are not going to be in misery anymore and you are going to do stuff for yourself and take care of yourself for YOU. Granted I am new at FINALLY putting the work in, but I doing it and I'm feeling quite ok.

You have to let go and look at who you are. Ask others how they percieve you that you know. Ask them if you are the fun outgoing person that they would want to be around or do you drag people down around you. I say this because I did this far to long. When I started recently looking at their perspective of me, it made me think, ya, who would want to be around me if I am constantly depressed. Nobody wants to be around someone that constantly thinks of themself as a victim. I did that far to long. I'm not a victim and neither are you. I have a life worth living regardless of my circumstances and so do you. I have a God worth giving praise and thanks to for what I do have and knowing that at any point it can get even better if I put the work and effort into it just like you. This is a real 180 for me that I have to remind myself of each day now. But you know, if you keep making yourself do it each morning, eventually, it will become natural. But it takes initial effort at first.

Anyways, I am doing it. I'm not sitting around moping and wasting time anymore. I'm doing stuff with myself. My life will no longer be on hold because of my W's decisions. I have kids that need to see that life still goes on and you can still have a great life while leaving your circumstances in God's hands. I get my prayer time in at night before I go to sleep, but I am not focusing on it the entire day anymore. There is to much else going on or that I can be doing that is useful besides sitting around being unproductive and depressed.

Look at it this way. Every day is a new day and God got you through the previous day didn't he. You made it another day. Did you think you would? Well, you did. And he will carry you today and the next day. But take it one day at a time and at the end of the day, look back at your day and think, wow, I made it another day. God got me through another day. It was successful. And then praise and thank God for getting you through another day. Be joyful about it. Once you think about that and thank God, think about, how can I change my own life. What steps can I do for me now. How can I incorporate fun for me and my kids. How can I incorporate a better future. Don't overwhelm yourself with it. Think in little steps and then act on one step at a time and before you know it, you will be several steps ahead and can look back think, wow, look how far you have come.

Kevin

[K4D]

Here is one additional thing you need to know because it worked for me. Monday night I was mad for about an hour. I was fuming. But you know what I did. I started praising God and thanking him for his love and mercy on me, my marriage and my family. Do you think I had any reason to do that? Yes, I did. Because I know he is in control and I have much work to do on my own life and he is allowing me the tools to do that with. And you know what, after I thanked and praised him in the midst of that horrible storm that night, I felt a calm come over me and I felt like I had been given strength to get on track. I called a friend and spoke for a while and I have since been doing what I need to do.

You can do this. But only you can make the decision. Nobody else can do it for you. For far to long I relied on others to make me happy. Nobody can make you happy but you. And know that God is with you and loves you and you are not alone and then be thankful for that.

Now then, let me ask you this. What can you do today to change one thing in your own life to make it better? Just one thing. It doesn't have to be big, infact, start out small. Just pick one thing that would make you happy that has nothing to do with you H.

Kevin
Kevin

[K4D]

Make sure you are thinking at the end of each day, if you made it through today, then you can make it through tomorrow to. Don't look beyong that. But as you do that, you start thinking positive about tomorrow instead of negative about it.

Do it. See if I am right or wrong.

Kevin

[Goodfight]

Hi Kevin thanks for the advice. I have been detaching by doing things lately. I'm very busy with the kids and I started fall house cleaning cause I didn't do it in the spring because of being so depressed. I figured it needs to get done and I'm not going to have this house like this because of my H bringing me down.

I don't know how to react to things like when he forwards a text though. He forwards this joke and I respond and then he says he didn't mean to send it to me. Sounds like control to me but I don't know. Any help there? Jody told me to go dark but not too dark do to the fact he suffers from depression. So now I'm really confused.

And will start working on the detachment thing some more.

[K4D]

Unless he is asking a specific question to you in the text, do not respond to it and do not bring it up if you see him.

Kevin

[Goodfight]

Got ya! Thanks once again Kevin!

[RedSoxFan]

I know I need to detach. Just having a really hard time doing it.

We're all right there with you. All of the advice in the world about detaching doesn't make sense until it clicks. Each person gets it when they're ready to get it. If you can somehow find a way to trust the process and the people on the site offering you advice, then you can begin practicing the various approaches and techniques for detachment, GAL, 180, etc. If you do that, you'll start to realize that it works. You'll start to feel better...and...it will click. You'll find yourself smiling when you would have been crying or frowning the week before. I know you're already doing some of this stuff. Just keep pushing...Fake It Until You Make It!!! Things will fall into place more quickly that way.

[Goodfight]

Thanks Red. Also forgot to tell everyone that H has been asking D12 when he is with her how am I doing? And asks what I'm doing the day or night that he has her, so I guess he is starting to get curious. She told him going out with the girls I think.

Which I have gone out a few times, but don't have much time or finances to do it all of the time.

Is that any kind of step?

Thanks again everyone.