A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Dia]

We had an R talk over dishes today. We're starting to get into the muck of who hurt whom over what. I have been listening, validating and reassuring. While these talks don't have the glorious, snuggly feeling that some of the others have had, the fact that we're having them - and having them productively - is a good thing. It's like an abcess. Yes, things might heal over, but unless we cleanse the hidden infection, there will always be fever and pain.

We've been focusing mostly on his hurts and his issues, but some of mine have been brought up, too.

Word to the wise: It can be difficult and disorienting to deal with a spouse who is 'different', even if the differences are good. It destabilizes the relationship, and things will be a little uncomfy until the R settles into a new balance point.

What sparked this latest R talk was a comment I made this morning - "I could snuggle you forever." H mulled that one over for a whole hour before he brought it up. He said for much of the R, he felt like he loved me more than I loved him, wanted and offered more affection than I did. The imbalance made him feel rejected and unwanted. 'I could snuggle you forever' was how he used to feel about me, but it was clear to him that's not how I felt about him.

I apologized. He asked what had changed. I said that for one, I used to pull away if we snuggled and I got too hot. I'm not talking 'a little warm' here, I'm talking slick with sweat and he wanted full blankets on us. Now, my position is F being hot - I want to snuggle him. I also brought up time. That just like he felt he'd never gotten enough snuggling and how that made him feel, I'd struggled the whole marriage with wanting more time, and especially feeling like I had to compete with his computer. When I felt second best or like I was living on scraps, I didn't feel particularly affectionate toward him.

I said I felt we'd hit a feedback loop. He felt rejected so he'd withdraw. I felt rejected so I'd withdraw. Which just made both of us feel more rejected so we'd withdraw more.

He asked what was different now, and I said my perception was that I was getting more time than before. Even if it was just 15 mins of talking on the couch, it made me feel loved and wanted. He needed to think about that. He wasn't sure if the reality was different or if my perception was different. I said I wasn't entirely sure either. But I *was* sure of how I'm feeling now.

The talk ended quietly. We both have some stuff to think about.