But I need to get over the fear of setting the boundaries. When we have our other half walk out we become very pliant and try to complete every request that is made of us. We do this in an effort to please our WAW, and to show our acceptance that we must and have changed. This then leads to us losing respect from our WAW, and our own self respect. When nothing changes, we turn to anger and resentment.
I have started to set boundaries with my WAW, IE, If she is going to be late to ring me and let me know when she will arrive and will you stop texting when I am talking to you etc. These small boundaries are important b/c we gain some measure of control back and then also some self respect. Only at this point can we begin to conduct ourselves in a more equal level to our WAW, and now we can be free of the fear of losing our WAW which is the ultimate aim of GALing. The aim of providing enough confidence to face the world and accept our sitch.
Tonight my WAW did stay for a few hours, but then took away my boys to cramped room in her brothers. She did'nt stay overnight in the family home. This angered me at first and pushed down my mood. But when I reflected upon the small improvements in the last few days and my belief that she won't Divorce me, I brightened up. It is her choice to live where she is and to reject the comfort of the family home.
I will never understand fully why she left, but I accept that it is her choice. In her mind I am the problem - but she is no longer at the moment willing to help fix that problem - this I can not understand.
I also can not understand how she can cut herself off to all help, and continue to struggle as she is. It is almost as if she has to be proven right in something.
But the selfishness is beyond comprehension.
Regards, Gyn.
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
First off, It is OK to be angry. It is OK for you to be angry and it is OK for WAW to be angry.
When I feel angry, I feel the anger but do not react to it. I then stop and determine why I am angry. My natural instinct is to project my anger at someone else. This is NOT HEALTHY. It only fuels the fire. I now channel that energy into positive changes in me.
One example. S10 wants to spend to night at my house during MsR2C's parenting time. Simple request, right? Anyway MsR2C is not allowing this to happen, even though I let S10 spend night at her house multiple times during my parenting time. I start to get angry. Normal thing is to blame her. Stepping back, I determined that I am angry with myself for not getting "First right of refusal" in the D paperwork. She will send kids to her parents without giving me the option to have S10 over. Still working on the overnights. I became rigid with the parenting time. I will let her "BE ANGRY" for awhile, then communicate that flexibility on both sides is better for our kids. Anyway, long story short, I take the anger and channel it into better communication, better boundaries, etc. I do not focus it at MsR2C.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I mainly feel anger when I am ruminating over past conversations or actions.
I do not show anger to my WAW. I found that it only reflects back yourself and increases the pain.
But last night the anger subsided when I reflected over other things that had happened and only once I had gained a better perspective over it all did my anger shrivel and hide in the corner of my mind.
Today my WAW initiated a R conversation today. She told me of her anger, her pain, her numbness and of her tears. She explained that at the start of the walkout, she could cry no tears, but now she seems to be crying non-stop.
The numbness is wearing off a little perhaps.
She told me of the effect it is having upon my boys, upon her brother who's house she is lodging in, how it affecting her college work - she hasn't done any yet and of her fears that she may have to give up her college course.
She talked of how she wanted to provide a better future for the kids - ie, give them the best things ect. She spoke about our financial woes and how she would get a job in the future to finance all of this.
She cried when she couldn't understand how it had come to this and how I was not there to support her emotional needs over the past 5 years.
She cried when she explained that she couldn't work out where we had gone wrong, and that she wanted better in our M.
She explained that she finds it too painful to come back yet, and that she intends to move into her mothers - a big improvement over her present sitch.
She also then said she didn't know what her EA would do or stay - she just shrugged her shoulders. If she stayed at her mothers, then she would be finally away from her EA, and then she could heal properly.
She said that she wouldn't be able to cope with coming back looking after the house and doing college. She said that she would throw herself into the housework.
Apart from accepting my blame for our M failings, this is the only point where I explained that if she came home, she wouldn't need to lift a finger around the home, I said that she had looked after me in the past and this is the time for me to support her in her college and house work
What does anyone think about this conversation. Any pointers as to what she may be thinking. Is this a good sign...
Regards, Gyn
Ps Thanks to everyone who has replied to my posts -some are a revelation.
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
should I place any importance on the fact that my WAW has never mentioned Divorce since she became a WAW?
It seems that whenever she initiates a R discussion, it ends up as a circular discussion and we seem to be always talking about the same things. How can I stop this circular discussion from going over the same stuff several times? How can I stop talking about the same things in general?
Or am I wrong in saying anything - she just needs to vocalize her feelings and I should validate them?
When she talks and makes a particular point that asks for a response from me, should defend myself and gently argue, or be pliant and accept her point of view and allow her to continue talking?
We do not argue, there are no raised voices, we dont use the kids against each other, we dont 'call' each others family, we are sharing our bank account and neither of us have stripped the account, we dont try to hurt each other. The only time my WAW spoke of d was 2 weeks before she walked out, and she said that she did not want to get a d.
Is any of this significant? Does it give any insight as to where we are headed?
Regards, Gyn
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
It all sounds good to me: Wife never mentioning D, wife initiating R discussions. Validate, validate, validate. Same discussion over and over several times? "We've already discussed this and I'll need time to digest what you've already said about it before tackling it again."
Don't defend. Agree. For now. I don't know how 'a particular point' can 'ask for a response from' you. Does she ask for a response from you? If not, just listen.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
should I place any importance on the fact that my WAW has never mentioned Divorce since she became a WAW?
Do not place any importance on anything she says/does. Focus on making positive changes to you. Watch for positive changes in R. Keep doing what works. Stop doing what does not work.
Quote:
It seems that whenever she initiates a R discussion, it ends up as a circular discussion and we seem to be always talking about the same things.
Listen. Validate.
"Yes, I understand you feel XYZ" "It must be hard to feel XYZ" "I can see why you feel XYZ"
Quote:
How can I stop this circular discussion from going over the same stuff several times? How can I stop talking about the same things in general?
STOP TALKING. LISTEN. VALIDATE.
Quote:
Or am I wrong in saying anything
Drop the rope. Do not argue or debate. A woman wants to be understood.
Quote:
she just needs to vocalize her feelings and I should validate them?
YES. Listen to her.
Quote:
When she talks and makes a particular point that asks for a response from me, should defend myself and gently argue, or be pliant and accept her point of view and allow her to continue talking?
You have several choices. Lets try this:
W: "I want a D, what do you think?"
There are many responses to this, here are a few:
H: "I don't want a D" (Worst response) H: "I understand you want a D" H: "Hmmm, could you elaborate" H: "I can see why you feel D is our only option, I see many other possible solutions to our problems"
What one do you think would work the best? DO you have a better response?
Quote:
We do not argue, there are no raised voices, we dont use the kids against each other, we dont 'call' each others family, we are sharing our bank account and neither of us have stripped the account, we dont try to hurt each other.
These are all good things.
Quote:
The only time my WAW spoke of d was 2 weeks before she walked out, and she said that she did not want to get a d.
This is also good. Keep working on positive changes.
Quote:
Is any of this significant? Does it give any insight as to where we are headed?
Face your fears. D not fear D. Work on YOU. Become the best YOU you can. I recommend reading the books I have listed on my first post of my thread.
Change the way you interact with waw and the whole R changes.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
