Missing her

[RonD]

My situation is this: The last couple of years my marriage has been pretty empty; we were more like roommates than husband and wife. I'd ask her what was wrong, she'd say nothing everything is fine. Finally told her it wasn't fine for me, I felt there wasn't much left between us and she agreed. I said "What do we do now?" and she said "We should get divorced". I said OK, thinking that couldn't be worse than what we had (or didn't have) and 1 short week later the divorce was final. Took another week to get her packed and moved to her folks house.

I've regretted it ever since. We are on real friendly terms and see each other often. After reading DR my eyes were opened to a lot of the problems I brought to the marriage (depression, MLC) and I am starting counseling this Thursday. Told her I know I have problems, was willing to work on them and would like to work on getting back together, that I still love her and want her back home. She told me she worries that if we did, things would be better for a while then just go back to the same old thing. I asked if she would have considered counseling if I had asked and she said yes, and has indicated she would join in counseling if we were to reconcile.

So, what I'm getting is she needs to see positive changes on my part before she'll make any decision, and I understand and respect that. Trying to keep my spirits and hope alive and not push her; give her space she needs now.

Any success stories for a situation like mine and any advice? Right now I can't imagine a life without her.

[dday101798]

Hi Ron,

I will say your sitch does have a strong glimmer of hope. Through your own counceling and jointly, I'm sure all the underlying inssues as to why there was that 'empty' feeling can be drawn out and dealt with. That said, if I had the opportunity you do, I'd look at it this way, now you know what not to do as it slowly killed your OLD relationship between you. And more importantly, what not to let happen in your potential NEW relationship. Point being, once the past is dealt with, look forward to nothing but the future, you know, like we all USED to do.

[RonD]

Thanks, dday, Having hope and keeping my spirits up is the hardest part right now. Had a pleasant, safe phone call from her last night and she texted me this AM about my sons soccer game this afternoon. Don't want to read to much into it but we do still have a friendship. And last night I took my grandson for the night to give her a break (daughter is too busy running around with friends to be much of a mother). I think our big difference of opinion on how to parent my daughter was the straw that broke the camel's back for her. XW enabled the daughter from the time she was 12; I wanted to be more of a strict parent and try to steer her away from trouble. And it's REALLY hard now NOT to tell XW "I told you so"; I did plenty of that already. All I can do now is try to help.

[dday101798]

I wouldn't see why keeping spirits up should be neccessary?

Look at it this way, you have nothing to lose. Unless you're still looking at the ascpect of what was, and if so that is gone, and it's onw time to work with what is.

[RonD]

Yeah, I certainly don't want to go back to what was. I've been depressed for a couple years now I guess and this divorce really threw me into a tailspin; it's hard to pull out of it and stay in a good mood. Thing is, I can see now that being depressed, gloomy, etc. is NOT what she wants to be around. Hard to feel one way and show a different face to everybody but that's what the counseling is for. You are right, it's time to look to the future (or more likeley just take it one day at a time).

[mar1713]

Hi Ron D,
I feel your pain, I had a similar sitch in which our R ended up feeling more like a functional, roommate situation rather than a passionate, feeling R and it ended up in me having an A. Most certainly the biggest mistake of my life! I'm doing everything I can, and with the support of the wonderful people on this site, it seems to be going well so far. I hope it continues and I hope the best for you....

[RonD]

Things are definitely improving in my sitch. Talk a couple of times a day, and we are becoming good friends again. She does talk about a future with me in it, I just am unsure what place I will have in it right now. Oh well, progress is happening and that's all I can ask for.

[dday101798]

Ron,

Like I've been telling Mar1713, let her steer the situation. This may seem contraversial in Mar's eyes, but in my opinion, Ron, you are the WAS in this situation as your issues kind of checked yourself out of the M. Make sense?

Keep doing wha't working. There will no doubt be a set back here and there so don't get discouraged.

[ClingingToHope]

I wanted to be more of a strict parent and try to steer her away from trouble. And it's REALLY hard now NOT to tell XW "I told you so"; I did plenty of that already. All I can do now is try to help.

Definitely avoid I told you so. That ship has sailed, only thing you can do now is work twice as hard to get it back on course.

[mar1713]

Hey dday,

I don't see it as contraversial, that's kind of how I felt in my own M, to me he had checked out first Emotionally, but I think I misinterpreted his actions (making a long story short), and that was, at least, part of the problem anyway, but then I W'd A so I see what your saying here.

Positive message here (see I'm learning ; )... Letting the our Ex's take the lead has left me with my dignity and positive changes. It's difficult hanging back since my personality is one that sees a problem and wants to fix things right away.