Journaling- getting some thoughts ready for tomorrow-
As I was laying in bed this morning before I got up, I was thinking about the money conversation that H and I had last week. Something was bothering me about it, and I think I figured out.
First off- he started with the personal attacks again. “When I say we need to cut back, you go out of your way to spend more! You see it as a challenge to see how much you can spend!” I am so busy apologizing for the rabbit cage, offering to return it, and being flustered, I’m not thinking. I would never do anything to financially harm our family. Does he really not know that or is he just trying to knock me off balance again? I realized this morning that a better discussion would start with “We need to cut back”, and then adding “Let’s keep the American Express bill under $______ this month- we’re already at $_______.” Give me some numbers to work with here, I’m not stupid. (He handles all the bills.)
Second- he is f***n’ hypocrite. He was bitching about the new rabbit cage, but he had spent three times that amount on a center speaker for the entertainment center two weeks earlier (Same month that we were supposed to “cut back” in). I was replacing an item that was beaten up and needed replacement; he was merely upgrading. Again, I was so busy apologizing, this didn’t even occur to me during the conversation. Also, he absolutely hates my bunnies. He said “no” when I told him I wanted a rabbit, and I got them anyways. (He didn’t have a good reason not to get them- he just didn’t want them around. His previous rule was no free-roaming pets- like dogs or cats. He already made me give my cat away several years ago.) I think to him they are a symbol of defeat/defiance.
When I talk to him about something I want to do- am I really just giving him a “head’s up” notice? More often than not, I’m actually asking for permission. He really resents it if I don’t go along with his answer (like the rabbits, and anything to do with the rabbits). Then he spews on me about it later.
He’s good at it.
So- Sex with other people is not our only issue. And there's not really anything else I can possibly say about that one. We both stated our positions, and they are just totally incompatable. He says he can't give me a guarantee that he won't want to resume swinging in the future if he gives it up now. Well, I never asked him for one, that thought didn't even occur to me, but since he brought it up, a promise to totally forgo swinging isn't unreasonable, is it?
