Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

If you really listen she will tell you where the keys to her heart are.

Coach, I'm afraid if I really listen there is nothing left in her heart for me.

I've had a night to think about things and talk to friends who have gone through divorce.

I will not file for divorce. If she wants to break the covenant we made then she has to do that. What I'm thinking of doing -- and I made some calls yesterday -- is to propose to her that we negotiate our own separation agreement and then give it to a single lawyer to file. The total cost would be about $1,500 and we could be divorced in three to four months.

We already agree on child visitation stuff. Child support in Illinois is cut-and-dried. She agreed to keep me on her insurance another year. We both want to sell the house -- although we may take a loss, not a profit, on it.

She makes more than me -- at least now -- I have a better chance for career advancement, so there's no issue of spousal support.

It comes down to debt and assets. She'd have to pay me for a portion of her car -- I borrowed from my 401(k) to pay it off last year. And she'd have to agree to take a fair share of the credit card debt she ran up that I'm paying for.

If we hit an impasse then we see a mediator at $90 an hour.

Basically, she's saying the ONLY reason she hasn't filed is because of money. I want to give her the option of a low cost divorce so she can move on, if that's what she truly wants.

I don't want to exist in limboland anymore. I'd been putting a lot of emotional eggs in the January basket. She originally said she wouldn't file until then because she wanted to get on her prepaid legal plan. She made it clear yesterday that our M is over and I believe her now.

In that respect yesterday was a step forward. My best hope now is that someday she realizes she did love me. I'll settle for that. I do not believe her assertion that she never loved me. That's just the emotional brick wall she's built.

When I woke up this morning, it was a painful realization, but at least a clear direction. I am a single father who loves his kids and his family, but who needs to move on and forward. I love the DBing concept, but sometimes it feels like you are sitting on your hands waiting for someone else to decide your life. I want to be free to go to dinner with someone I'm attracted to or go see a movie or just lay on the couch and watch a movie with.

I had unrealistic expectations for my W and my M. This M is my greatest failing. I believed in happily ever after. I didn't know and wasn't prepared for it being such hard work.

These past five months, I've learned a lot. I feel, finally at age 40, I'm ready to have an adult relationship. I want to be able to pursue that and I don't feel I can unless the D action has begun.

Does that make sense?