Look, I'm not great at giving advice in these matters. There are people much better at advice in these forums than me. What I can offer is this: an acknowledgement that your situation has many similarities with my own, which offers the meager consolation that you're not alone. That other people are experiencing something similar to your situation. If you read the SSM forum, you'll encounter many other people, both male and female, who are going through the same struggle as you. By reading what they've attempted to do to remedy their situations, maybe you'll learn better how to deal with your own situation.
Here is what insight I can provide, all gleaned from my own situation (an admittedly small test sample and not necessarily representative of how these things progress). My wife has little interest in integrating her sex life with her marriage. I think before we met she had a fairly accomplished sex life, with people she liked and people she didn't like. She feels like she's been there done that. Plus, in her mind, sex is sort of dirty. No, she's not a prude, but she thinks sex is decadent. Which she is capable of enjoying when she's in the mood for decadence. Problem is, this type of attitude doesn't fit very well into family life. So my wife is almost never in the mood for making love. Although, yes, we've had a problem with her then looking for sex outside of the marriage.
Is this sounding at all familiar? I don't want to drone on if what I'm saying doesn't apply to your situation. In short, marriage itself can sometimes have the same effect as saltpeter. All the responsibilities, all the working together, all the unromantic stuff, all the etc. etc. etc. This can sort of dampen your love life. And some people are just better at integrating their love life and their family life. Some people, like my wife, aren't particularly interested in integrating these two things. Or rather, it's very difficult for them.
Okay, so how does this help you at all? Where do you go from here, what do you do? Well, one refrain you'll hear over and over in these forums goes something like this: The only person you can change is yourself. So if you want to change your situation, look within yourself. If you want your wife to desire YOU, you need to be desirable. Are you moping around the house? Stop it! Are you giving her the silent treatment? Stop it! Are you etc. etc. etc.--Look at your own behaviors. You want to solve the problem, right? You don't want to compound the problem.
If you want to be desirable, you need to present your best image. You need to be confident. The more you seem confident and assured, the greater the chance your wife will actually find you attractive. When was the last time you bought new clothes? Do you exercise?
Maybe you think it's your wife's responsibility to simply give herself to you. Obviously that isn't happening. Why isn't it happening? Because your wife is to blame? Because she needs to change? Well, these situations are rarely caused by just one person. If your wife wasn't content, then why not? You and she were content at one time, right? That's why you got married to begin with. So what were you doing then that you aren't doing now?
An example: as we fell into a rut of married life, my wife and I shared very few activities. We rarely went out together anymore. Of course, before we married, before we had a daughter, before we bought a house, before we etc. etc. etc. we went out to eat frequently at nice restaurants. We frequently went to hear live music. We frequently went to shows. We had stopped doing these things almost entirely. Part of the problem was my wife's unwillingness to leave our daughter with a babysitter. She was so focused on our daughter that I was sort of irrelevant, except as a helper in providing care. I was totally on a back burner. (And boy was I simmering.) We ended up separating, but the prospect of getting divorced and introducing other men into the life of 10 year-old girl sort of scared my wife. Meanwhile I was a known commodity. She loved me, yes, even if she didn't really feel passion or desire for me. So the fact that we had a family together gave me a huge advantage over any other man. She agreed to changes. Our daughter finally started sleeping in her own bed (!!!). We got a babysitter and established a bi-weekly date night.
Notice my demand wasn't simply "give me more sex." Rather I tried to create some changes in our marriage that allowed us to be together again as a couple, to re-experience some of the activities that we shared when we were courting. Sex would follow. Or that was the hope anyway. Was I successful? At first, yes. Although we have now drifted back toward old patterns and I'm becoming very frustrated again. But I think the plan is sound. Be a couple. Be a couple. Be a couple. Be confident. Look your best.
I could drone on and on. Maybe that's all I've been doing. I hope not. I hope this helps.
me: 50 w (waw): 45 daughter: 9 m: 16 t: 19 bomb: 9/26/08 status: physical separation for 7 weeks, then work-in-progress R
