Trying to save my M. W not really trying though.

[Thinker]

etrain,

I'm sorry to hear that. Take the time and privacy to feel the pain. You say you are fighting back the tears - well stop and let em . I know I sure had to at times.

There is a wealth of advice on these boards for exactly the position you are in. I'm not the best to give it, not having gone through a separation, but others are. Look for Robx.

The summary of the advice is:

- Let her separate, but she should own the separation, not you. She moves out. It's on her to work through the logistics, find a place, figure out how to finance it, etc.

- The S should be like a D. Model the financial arrangement as you would a D. Don't enable her.

- Go Dark.

- GAL GAL GAL

- Man up, be strong, and stand up for yourself.

You can do it.

[etrain]

This is so tough. I don't know if it went directly against what I'm supposed to be doing but my W & I shared a long, emotional hug as we both left for work this morning. I initiated it but she definitely needed it too. We were both fighting back the tears. At least it showed she still has some feelings inside of her, even though she's been hiding them well.
She's obviously hurting...maybe not as much as I am right now since she's had months/years to deal with it...but she's hurting.

I'll wait for her to initiate our S discussion. We have to figure out custody, finances, etc. And I have to figure out if I can afford our house on my own.
Would you guys recommend that I consult a L before we discuss the S details?

[pitinmygut]

wow etrain, I am in a very similar situation, except she is living w/ the inlaws right now. We have a 1 yo little boy that I miss so bad! Since I work it is very difficult to see him during the week (she is about an hour away from in the opposite direction of work). She has recently discussed preparation of a formal separation. Not sure if I should seek the advice of a lawyer before it or not also.

[Thinker]

Would you guys recommend that I consult a L before we discuss the S details?

I think you already know the answer to this.

[Thinker]

I don't know if it went directly against what I'm supposed to be doing but my W & I shared a long, emotional hug as we both left for work this morning. I initiated it but she definitely needed it too. We were both fighting back the tears. At least it showed she still has some feelings inside of her, even though she's been hiding them well.
She's obviously hurting...maybe not as much as I am right now since she's had months/years to deal with it...but she's hurting.

Don't rescue from her feelings. She has to own and the impact of what she is doing.

This doesn't mean (at all) that you should be moody or resentful toward her. "Act as if" is very important right now. Act as if you are going to be just fine - moving ahead with your life - busy busy busy - always happy to see her, but just fine without. etc. Cheerful, put together, in control. etc.

But don't take responsibility for her feelings. Don't do or say things to make her feel better about what she is doing. I know that this will be your instinct because you see her hurting and want her to feel better, but don't rescue.

[etrain]

Got it. I figured it went against DB but honestly, I needed the hug too. I don't have anyone right now. My family lives an hour away. So do most of my friends..and they're busy with their own families. As much as I try to stay busy, there's only so much I can do.
My W already said she's going out with a group of coworkers tonight (Yay!)...so there I'll be, sitting at home. At least I'll be with my S...but the lonely time will begin after I put him to bed.
Maybe I should make the drive & take my S to my mother's house for dinner & a visit.

I almost want W to move out RIGHT NOW so I'll be forced to deal with it.

[Thinker]

etrain,

You are going through the same thing most of us went through. If I had to guess, you were so focused on your work and your family that you let your own social life and social support network slip.

I know I did.

When the bomb occurs, you suddenly realize that you have no-one to talk to and nothing to do.

It sucks!

But it's our own fault for letting it get that way, and it's our own job to fix it.

Here are some of the things I ended up doing:

- Reach out to the guys that I knew that live nearby , and organize a regular "guys night out"

- Got the racquetball players list from my gym and started contacting people to set up regular racquetball games. Some of these people became friends.

- Signed up for meetup.com and started attending events that look fun (it's not a dating site, its for clubs, etc)

- Contacted my old military buddies (none of whom live nearby) and planned a group vacation. The planning was a great way to meet and talk, and we just had a great time on a week-long backpacking trip together. We're now planning our follow-up for next year.

- Started actively contacting guys that I knew somewhat (used to work with, etc) to set up lunch meets or happy hour meet-ups.

- Went to some movies by myself. Put together a mailing list of acquaintences in the local area, and if I wanted to go see a movie (a good guy flick), I sent out a blast email to see if anyone else wanted to go. You'd be surprised at how many dads there are out there who would love to have a reason to take an evening away from the family and go see an action flick.

- Started going to barnes and noble to sit and read (R books at first, then others) - it's a great way to get out of the house for the evening after dinner.

It takes a lot of work. It also takes initiative and a willingness to put yourself out there. There are lots of people who want to participate in group GAL activites, but no one runs them - Step up and be that person.

These are just ideas - figure out what is going to work for yourself. Throw yourself into this 110% NOW. It is what is going to save you during the next months by connecting you to other people and keeping from sitting home and ruminating.

Go do it!

[etrain]

etrain,

You are going through the same thing most of us went through. If I had to guess, you were so focused on your work and your family that you let your own social life and social support network slip.

I know I did.

When the bomb occurs, you suddenly realize that you have no-one to talk to and nothing to do.

Good guess. My W & S were my social life.
I do have friends & family to talk to....but they live just far enough away to make getting together difficult.
I'm an introvert & a very shy person by nature...definitely not the social butterfly I need to be right now. I need a LOT of work in this area if I'm going to stay busy. And there are always going to be those weekday nights when I don't have my S and I'm all alone.
Maybe I need a girlfriend.

I joke but what are the "normal" expections of a S as far as dating goes? Is it a "free pass" for my W to start dating? As if my ego could possibly be crushed any more than it already is.

[etrain]

Oh, and just found 3 more emails sent by my W to her EA on Monday. The one she said she cut off contact with & sent an NC email to a couple weeks ago.
Emails just had songs attached...nothing flirty. W deleted them from her sent folder but forgot to delete from trash. Any replies must have been deleted.
W also deletes EVERYTHING from her cell & has been doing so for weeks

It's all starting to come together now. Should I contact OMW at any point? Not sure what there is to lose at this stage. Just know our M is pretty much over at this point. Don't see anything changing while OM is in the picture.

[pitinmygut]

etrain, are you me posting as my alter ego? The similarities are scary.