Wow, we finally had the conversation that's been building for months. Impossible to fully relay everything here, I'll try to condense to the most meaningful stuff.
My W wanted to meet to talk with me about our youngest daughter, who's having some trouble in pre-school. We met at a local bar to talk. She told me about our daughter, and it was pretty clearly having to do with the emotional distress over our separation and everything around it. We both were pretty upset about it, but I got silent and just stared into the distance for quite a while. Finally, my W said, "Is that all for tonight?" I said "What do you mean?" She said "You're obviously dealing with some anger over this, so we don't have to talk any more." I said "Do you have anything else to say?" She said "I'm sad and angry about this too, but at least you can say you weren't the one who ended our M and caused this. I know I'm the one who did this."
That kicked off a very intense conversation. She said it all became clear to her this morning. She was describing how her childhood was abusive, how she always felt small as a child, and how her seeing my anger in our M just caused her to collapse into herself, and be gone. She had to leave or she felt like she would die. And she was gone, for years during our M. Now that we're separated, she has found herself, and come back to the living. It is so awesome to see her, really see her. I told her I can see her now, she's an awesome person, she's stunningly gorgeous such that it's hard for me to be around her sometimes. She blushed and awkwardly accepted my compliment. I said I don't ever want her to lose herself again, and I don't want us to be together if it would cause her to go back to the way she was. She said she hates how sad I was in our M and she wants me to find someone who will really love me, because I'm such a great man, and, to my surprise, she said I'm HOT. Cool! This is from a woman who said she had no attraction whatsoever for me less than one year ago. DBing does work, no doubt about that!
We were holding hands the whole time and hugging quite a bit. She started saying how sad she's been all summer, and how she had had thoughts of reconciliation. But she also said she can't regret her R with OM, because it is so intertwined with her finding herself again, and because of that we can never be together again. That hit me prety hard, but I didn't show it. Her comment did have quite a bit finality about it, as though her R with OM is over now. I didn't ask or push it right now.
I asked if we could go back to her house, since I said I wanted to do something. She looked suspicious, and she said sure, but "no touching". I was surprised she was so clear and abrupt about that, but I just made a joke about it and said "of course not!" I actually wanted to play a song on guitar with her that we talked about a couple months ago. She was touched and we had a nice time playing and singing.
She talked some more about how although we can't get back together just for the kids, they are important to us, so they can't be irrelevant to the topic either. I sort of agreed, but said clearly that we can't get back together for the kids, or for financial reasons, and I said I won't ever be in another R where my needs are not being met, and I won't ever allow myself to let my partner's need go unmet. She nodded and said "Good."
Then I did something I'm not sure I should have done. I said "I'm not sure I should say this, but things are complicated. My friends are parents think things are simple, but they're not, they're complicated. I know I had a role in all this, so I want you to know I don't consider anything that's happened this year to be unforgivable. I say that because I know I broke your heart a hundred times over the years." She was surprised by that, then replied "You can't really say you'll forgive when you don't know everything." That hurt too, as I actually know more than she thinks I do, due to some intel I got last spring, and it is brutal. She professed her love to OM, and offered herself to him in ways she never did to me. Very, very hard stuff to know about your W, and she's right, I'm not sure I can ever really let that go, especially if she never expresses remorse or regret.
Our conversation soon ran out of gas after that and we called it a night. I needed to journal all that, but now I have to get some sleep...
