Perhaps the kids will provide a good gateway for conversation.
Don't mean to burst your bubble, but I think the boys may ruin your little family get-together Thursday b/c this is too soon for them. These kids are devastated. Your oldest boy is angry and blaming you. Then, he shows how insecure he feels right now by sleeping close to the parent that he has left in the home. And the youngest....oh that breaks my heart and I can't imagine what it is doing to you. I'm sure that both you & your W wanted this evening to be a time to assure the kids that both of you are still there for them.....but somehow I kind of doubt things will go the way you hope.
I don't know these kids, of course, but somehow I can't see them sitting around the table acting all nicey-nice without bringing up the D-- and at least one of them asking his mom about coming home. Don't you know they are going to ask questions or (if you warn them not to ask any or talk about the MR) then they will sit there all clamed up? Have you thought about how to handle that? I suspect there may be several akward moments! If one of the kids don't jump up and leave the table....you'll be lucky.
The only time I think parents should do something this "intimate" as a family would be if they were reconciling. You & W see it as trying to keep some type of "united front" for the boys, but I think they will see it as fake as a plug nickle....or get their hopes sky high.
The two of you are not doing any favors for the kids....or each other. It will be more like pouring salt into a open wouund when they think how it "used" to be this way.....but no longer. Why would you want to use visual aids to remind them of what home use to be like?
I'm afraid that you will be sorry for doing this, but I doubt your W is going to continue on these Thrus. night family times b/c her guilt won't be able to handle it.
She is not what you see as being "cold" to her children. So many LBH's say that about their WAW. They are really "cole" to anyone but their H.....their kids...they are just fogged out and being weird. I told you this was not the same woman you've always known. Don't expect her to act like she used to. Her brain is too fogged up right now....it isn't cold...it simply is not fuctioning properly. She is so out of touch with reality at this time that I'm sure she does come across as being cold to the boys. A lot of her actions is strickly out of guilt and her inability to deal with it. She can't deal with her son crying and begging her to come home, so in her response to him....I am sure she seems like the Ice Queen.
Good news about your baptizing! Do the boys know? If so, then they will probably tell their mom before you get a chance....unless they don't see that as being exciting. Do they go to church? I would tell your W, face to face, b/c it is important that she see your eyes when you tell this. She needs to see how important this step is for "you" and that you are serious about it.....so don't choose this particular time to keep things "light". Keep it short and don't get into a spin-off to a R talk. Just tell her that you have made a very important decision and you didn't want her to hear it from somebody else (she'll appreciate that). Then tell her what you are going to do, the date & time. Be honest and tell her that you didn't want her to think it was done for any reasons other than your own spiritual decision/obedience. Tell her that you want her to know she has an invitation to be there, but don't want her to feel obligated.
I feel that these particular things are those cases that it is better to tell her and risk her "wondering" about your intentions....rather than her hearing it from another person. That she would not appreciate! And then she would throw it in your face that you must not want her to go since you didn't even tell her. So in the long run....it's better to tell her of your baptizing.
Talk later.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
