I thank all of you, Yoyo, Kat, Irish, for the encouragement.
Although my two boys are high-energy handfuls and thus very tiring at times, still it is a "happy tired". I get such a level of contentment knowing they're safely under my roof and that I can enjoy their company and rest assuredly when they are tucked asleep in their beds.
It is a counterpoint to the other 50% of the time they are with their mother -- where I am more at "peace", but too much so, and I miss them and am concerned for them. I catch myself when next I then chide myself -- my old thought pattern is that I have nothing to worry about because they are with their mother. I catch myself at this and think again: perhaps I cannot take such things for granted, i.e., assuming their mother is still trustworthy even where they are concerned. I thought I knew who that person was at one time, but certainly no longer -- she has proven to be capable of the unthinkable, so nothing is removed from her now.
And then another double-take hits me: But there's nothing I can do about her and what happens when she has custody anyway (assuming she is doing nothing illegal) -- so why tear myself up over that. No, give them over to God -- trust but verify.
If any of what I just said made any more sense to you than it did me, then please feel free to explain it better than I can because it makes me feel so schizo debating myself.
They're so young, and yet they're both growing so fast. I wish I could do so much more for them than I am able to now.
