Hard times

[needinghope]

Hello to all,

I haven't posted in a while and never in this forum. My H moved out on June 5th but wanted to go to counseling. We have had a rough time for the last 2-3 years, or as he says, forever. Whatever the case, he had an affair in the Spring of 07. When I discovered it, he wept, confessed, and swore to stop seeing her. Two more discoveries later with the same woman, I lost faith in our marriage. I called a coach and did what she said. Though I felt it went well for most of May, he moved out anyway. Yet, he swore that he wanted to go to MC to heal our marriage, so we went every week and sometimes twice a week.

There were two times that I wanted out. I felt blamed and saw no progress or willingness on his part. But, he convinced me to not give up, so I didn‘t. Two weeks ago after 15 weeks of intense counseling, I discovered that he never stopped seeing the OW! Ever! For two and a half years. I was incredibly upset, to say the least. He put so much on me to fix over the summer in counseling and he was with her the whole time. Then I found horrid emails that I wish I could carve from my memory that chronicled their entire relationship. She has been pushing divorce for over a year, and using every tool possible to do so. Funny since I am apparently manipulative and pushy, which is why he didn't feel comfortable moving back home.

So, I'm done divorce busting. I have no desire to be married to him anymore, but I spent the entire summer intensely focused on rebuilding our marriage. I feel so attached as a result. So I feel as though he just left and it is June all over again. I hate coming home. I hate the weekends. I hate the random realizations that come out of nowhere in the middle of the day. All the while, he is telling me how much he hurts for what he did and that he is crushed by the guilt. He has no idea what this feels like. His choices were made and paid for in the comfort of another. When the pain gets unbearable, he can call her and forget all about it. Not that I believe the pain gets unbearable for him.

The fact is, he has a distraction. I am alone. I can't shake the images of the two of them together having fun dreaming of their future. I feel like he robbed me of those dreams and gave them to her. So I paid the retainer for a lawyer today and am feeling very lonely. I know that you guys have all felt similar feelings, so I look forward to soldiering on beside you.