The DB two step

[MrBond]

I agree with OT. You may not have been "trying" to change her, but you've said so yourself that she isn't moving in a direction you're happy with or at the pace you're happy with. So you have "expectations" of her which is like trying to change her to what you want.

I know you've asked her what she wants, but somehow it sounds like she tells you things that you want to hear. She feels the pressure you put on her and is still lost in that fog in her head. Maybe you need to act as if she was really gone and see what happens.