Journaling- getting some thoughts ready for tomorrow-
As I was laying in bed this morning before I got up, I was thinking about the money conversation that H and I had last week. Something was bothering me about it, and I think I figured out.
First off- he started with the personal attacks again. “When I say we need to cut back, you go out of your way to spend more! You see it as a challenge to see how much you can spend!” I am so busy apologizing for the rabbit cage, offering to return it, and being flustered, I’m not thinking. I would never do anything to financially harm our family. Does he really not know that or is he just trying to knock me off balance again? I realized this morning that a better discussion would start with “We need to cut back”, and then adding “Let’s keep the American Express bill under $______ this month- we’re already at $_______.” Give me some numbers to work with here, I’m not stupid. (He handles all the bills.)
Second- he is f***n’ hypocrite. He was bitching about the new rabbit cage, but he had spent three times that amount on a center speaker for the entertainment center two weeks earlier (Same month that we were supposed to “cut back” in). I was replacing an item that was beaten up and needed replacement; he was merely upgrading. Again, I was so busy apologizing, this didn’t even occur to me during the conversation. Also, he absolutely hates my bunnies. He said “no” when I told him I wanted a rabbit, and I got them anyways. (He didn’t have a good reason not to get them- he just didn’t want them around. His previous rule was no free-roaming pets- like dogs or cats. He already made me give my cat away several years ago.) I think to him they are a symbol of defeat/defiance.
When I talk to him about something I want to do- am I really just giving him a “head’s up” notice? More often than not, I’m actually asking for permission. He really resents it if I don’t go along with his answer (like the rabbits, and anything to do with the rabbits). Then he spews on me about it later.
He’s good at it.
So- Sex with other people is not our only issue. And there's not really anything else I can possibly say about that one. We both stated our positions, and they are just totally incompatable. He says he can't give me a guarantee that he won't want to resume swinging in the future if he gives it up now. Well, I never asked him for one, that thought didn't even occur to me, but since he brought it up, a promise to totally forgo swinging isn't unreasonable, is it?
Well, I never asked him for one, that thought didn't even occur to me, but since he brought it up, a promise to totally forgo swinging isn't unreasonable, is it?
NO! The guys around here call that a NUT (non-negotiable unalterable term.)
Yes, he is a hypocrite. See if you can identify all the ways he likes to control you - money, pets, sex, friends, communcation, religion, education, hobbies, clothes, holidays, vacations, ..........
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
See if you can identify all the ways he likes to control you - money, pets, sex, friends, communcation, religion, education, hobbies, clothes, holidays, vacations, ..........
I never even thought about it like that. I guess I was just so used to it.
Money/Pets- limitations re: pets- food and basic supplies only. No vet visits when the animals get sick. I agree with no extraorinary expenses, I don't think they are very sensible, but there are NO vet visits. "It's a $20 dollar rabbit- if it dies, so what?". Made me give me cat away, luckily my parents took it. Tried to make me give my bunnies away, the only reason they are still here is because it was a Sunday when he was screaming about it and there were no rabbit rescues open on a Sunday. Believe me, I called.
Religion- I was raised Roman Catholic, and we had a catholic wedding. He absolutely hates the Church, and bitched so much about it, I only sent the kids to PSR long enough to make their first communions so they can at least participate at mass. They'll have to get Confirmed as adults if they want to. I haven't gone myself in a long time, I got tired of hearing about it.
Education- I want to go to law school and I've talked about it for several years. I currently work as a paralegal and would like to be able to sign my own name to the pleadings I write! H argued money (kids approaching college age), but I countered at the time with a) loans are available, and b) I would be done in time for D17 to start college and my atty salary would more than cover it. But he wouldn't support me, I think because it would have put more obligations on him at home if I wasn't around as much (like driving kids around), so I was told to just max out what I can do as a paralegal.
Clothes- he wants "veto power" about any new clothes I buy. And if he doesn't like it, he lets me know. I have a pair of shorts that aren't sexy enough for his taste, they're too loose fitting. They aren't frumpy "Mom" shorts, just not painted on. D17 approved when I bought them. But as H explained to me, D17 isn't looking at me sexually...
Holidays- we try to alternate which family we visit. If they are spent with my family, he lets it be known that he wants to hurry up and go home. He doesn't interact much and sulks. Or he just doesn't go, like for the smaller occassions like bday parties. We make sure to get to all of his family functions tho, no time limit on staying at those. (My extended family even picked up on this. Grandma asked Mom if we were having problems about a year ago, and this Christams, the first since his Dad died, they commented that he seemed friendlier and more relaxed.)
I'm printing this post and pondering it some more tonight. We go back to the MC tomorrow at 7. I don't want to sound like I'm whining.
Wow! Yeah. I would say that's pretty damn controlling. But, then again he is a narcissistic, immature jerk that needs to grow up and learn what a real man is made of...
Keep the faith. And definitely start going to church again.
Learn to answer to the true higher power other then what your H is preaching
I just got this e-mail. We had been meeting on Mondays the last couple weeks and we pushed it back to Thurs this week to make it 1.5 weeks so we had a little more time to think and talk. It was a compromise since I wanted weekly sessions and H wanted bi-weekly.
Subject:Tomorrow's meeting
Can we reschedule tomorrow? I haven't slept at all the last two nights and I feel like crap.
Why? Why? Why? I had a hard enough time waiting until tomorrow, I was gearing myself to take action this weekend. I had enough waiting. I can't take the stops and starts emotionally. He sent it 2.5 hours ago and I haven't responded yet, I just noticed it since I am away from my own desk most of the day.
I don't know that I would reschedule. He's just making excuses, it's tomorrow! There's still time to get some rest. And I bet he could make it to a swinging party. (OK, that was a little mean, but still.) Tell him you are going to go, he can come along if he is up to it.
That's what I was thinking. I won't beg with H, plead, whatever. I don't care. And it will just make him mad if I push. Absolutely no pressure on him- I'll just go and make it an individual session with the MC if he doesn't want to go. He can have a session by himself another time if he wants. I just don't want to be yanked around again- it's not fair. If he doesn't want to try, he can just f***ng say so!
