Ok. So while wallowing in my insecurity today, I have honed in on the nuts and bolts of it.
I have accomplished nothing noteworthy in my life other than raising two exceptional kids who are basically f*cked up now. They are awesome and I love them dearly but I have such a profound feeling of loss (not failure) but having had their well-being and my ability to ensure it stolen. And yes, I realize sh*t happens and yes I know that I cannot attach my identity solely to my children. But, they were my job. It hurts too much to see them struggling like this. I see the damage being done and the insecurities developing. S9 described himself last night as "generally not secure"...wow do I relate to that feeling.
About me. I have so much to say and create and I feel as if I have to do it with a thousand tons of weight piled on me. H is off traveling again next week, living the life, accolades...and me? I have to start from scratch.
I would love to make some money. Trying still to find something that would enable me to be with my kids, create something sustainable and pay decent money.
There's a sense of injustice that plagues me these days. Even with this guy not calling, it is more about decency than what I hoped to get out of a R with him (not a whole lot). I mean, I think I'm feeling like a little woman...
Maybe if I can flip it to some romantic notion of "underdog" and get a fire under my a** that will help.
Every time I feel kick a**, H steps in and burns out my flame (my responsibility, I know)...but he outshines.
Getting blown off just poured some salt on the wound.
