W called to talk about dance lessons for D7. I was so fired up after talking to Dottie this morning about how to really listen to W. But then she starts asking about how to handle Thanksgiving and Christmas and she starts talking about how we should do it in future years.
I told her I didn't want to think about future years. We still haven't filed anything and a month ago she'd agreed to at least talk once a week -- but she never called.
She said she still hasn't changed her mind and didn't want to lead me on and said she's seen a lawyer and the only thing holding her back is that she doesn't have the $1,200 retainer.
She might not have it for four years.
She said she realizes that I'm trying to change all the little things that irritated her but I can't change the one big thing. There's no attraction and she doesn't think she ever loved me. She said she felt this way six months into it.
I told her about the Divorce Remedy book and that there are stages in marriage and misgivings six months in is not unusual, I had them as well. But she can't convince me she never loved me.
I told her I realize why we are where we are, but I will be very disappointed if we don't give it one last shot to work at the marriage? We've worked so hard on everything else. I don't want to move back in, I want to go back to counseling.
She said she felt she was being forced into something. If she said no, I'll keep pushing. If she said maybe, I'll keep pushing, If she says yes, she's just agreeing to make me happy and doesn't believe in it. She said she'll think about it.
Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why can't I be stronger? I know, know, know, know that this will take months. Now, I've probably pushed the clock back to Day 1 and I was already struggling.
I told her I hate being in limboland and she said don't move on. Dottie said this morning only to file for divorce if I want a divorce, not as a tactic. But I don't want to remain married to someone who won't work at the M.
Well, guys, what do I do?
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
