Question

[LolaL]

You seem to be doing well, but let me put a little caution here. The contact w/ the OW HAS TO STOP IMMEDIATELY. I know you want your M to work, and your H is home, but if he is still contacting her, then it is all for naught.

My suggestion: tell him this. It hurts you. He does not want to hurt you, so it is time to get a new phone number and stop all contact w/ her.

He has to know that for a time, he has to be willing to basically kiss your butt. It is your trust he has to earn, not the other way around.

[awest1217]

I completely agree LolaL, but in his world, I am the one who caused him to leave in the first place (somewhat true, as it says in DB I did have things that I did to cause the affair and I will take responsibility for it). He also says since nothing happened physically, he still has a hard time saying it was an affair. He always says it was too closely connected. I agree he needs to cut her out completely and he even says he knows that is what he should do, but he can't because she is the only one who he trusts to take care of him. I am praying I can gain his trust and then he will be more willing to end it completely. At some point, she will have to be gone. He just needs to come to that realization on his own this time, otherwise it will be another, "W told me what to do and she is too controlling". I know this is stupid and not true, but it is what has happened in the past so I am trying a new route with the new me.

I am much stronger now, and he is trying so prayerfully it will be good.

[awest1217]

I am having a really tough night tonight. I am trying to stay strong, but last night I only got 2 hours of sleep, which could be the biggest reason it has been tough. H put in for a sub, but S was better so tried to canceled it, but the sub came anyway so H stayed home from work. I just kept thinking all day. He is going to go see OW. I don't know if he did and I honestly don't think he would tell me if he did or not anyway. H made dinner and went out to buy a game for us to play as a family, although S is 2 it was cute to see him try and nice for H to think in that way.

Every night S should be in bed by 8, but since H has been home I am lucky to get him to bed by 9 because H doesn't want to eat until 7 and then there is no time for a bath or anything. S wants to play after dinner or H starts a project S wants to help with so S doesn't get to bed until late (for him). I had a good routine for us both, but now I just feel like my world is caving in around me again. I knew it would be hard, but the trust I feel like I am doing all the trusting blindly and H does not want to ever "prove" anything, but like last night I got upset so instead of yelling and losing my temper, I just walked away and did something else for a while. H came and asked to talk. I said not now because I was still upset (OW text H at 11 at night). Later I find OW text "are you safe? should I come to get you?" I feel like I am constantly on trial and although I have changed and do things like not lose my temper, H just gets upset and says "I should not have come home"

Wednesdays are my day to watch some shows I like. It was when H was gone, my uplifting day. Today I did not get to watch my shows because H wanted to play a game then put up a shower rack and then I had to put S to bed late. I even said at dinner when he asked what we would do tonight that it was the one night I had shows I really liked to watch. It really bothers me that he does not care about my feelings.

I do have to admit, he did make dinner, has been cleaning up around the house, gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek when I left for work so there are baby steps, but I just needed to vent and cry as I typed because if H sees me like this he will bolt. I have to be the strong one.

Sorry this is so all over the place. I need to vent. After going to the lawyer on Monday, especially in IN, I have no real options. H would get partial custody, although he had been absentee for 5+ months and I feel he is not fit to have him over night and can prove reasons why. H would have to pay some child support but nothing back paid because I did not file anything because I want my marriage to work. I just really feel it is best for S and myself to just find some way to detach and have fun when H and I are together and forget about anything else. I really have no hope in things getting intimate between us ever, but I cannot ever let H see S alone overnight. It would kill both of us.

So now I just wait and pray that at some point H will figure out we are really more important that anything else. He really is trying in some aspects. I think I might be hoping for too much too soon. I just don't know. I think I need sleep (only got 2 hours last night and not much since H came back because it is weird to have him in bed and I dont get to do my normal routine because then he cannot sleep).

Taking off Friday to have some me and S time. Hopefully it will rejuvenate me enough to continue on.

[ClingingToHope]

After going to the lawyer on Monday, especially in IN, I have no real options. H would get partial custody, although he had been absentee for 5+ months and I feel he is not fit to have him over night and can prove reasons why. H would have to pay some child support but nothing back paid because I did not file anything because I want my marriage to work.

I feel for you. I never had to deal with an OM. I have no idea how I would have done it. He's so inconsistent, even if he was granted partial custody, he may just drop out of the picture. Lots of men can't handle the responsibility, unfortunately.

Have you guys had any talks about what you need from him and what he needs from you to make this work?

[ClingingToHope]

Awest, how are you doing tonight?

[awest1217]

Yesterday, I went to my counselor. H refused to come because he does not want to get "bashed". H has a psychology degree so I said you know she will not do that, but he still refused. H came home and stayed home alone all night (I drove past the house a few times to be sure he was here and OW was not). H did call OW, but that is it. My counselor said I was doing everything "right" or at least being smart. She commended me on still going to the lawyer. She also said to keep treating H will respect and love, but let it be known that you do not agree with his relationship with OW. Don't necessarily say anything, but H should know it bothers me. I agree with that and I believe he does. She also said to be cautious and not get too excited since I don't know H's motive for coming home, the fact he is unwilling to give up OW even for a little while, and that he is not being affectionate at all. She feels that if he really wants us to work he would start at least giving me hugs and kissing me. I don't agree with this because honestly I don't know if I am ready for that.

I think my biggest thing is that H is still being very secretive about everything. He deletes all his texts so I can't check them. Clears the history on the computer. Has a lock on his iPod so I cannot read anything he has stored on there. I agree he deserves some privacy, but one of the expectations I made in the beginning of September is full disclosure and I do not feel he is doing it.

I don't want to ruin anything with him coming home, but at the same time I don't want to go back to being a door mat either.

Has anyone out there ever dealt with a situation like this so they can give me advice? I don't want to talk to my girl friends because they have my best interests at heart and would fire me up to confronting H and possibly starting a fight. I just want to talk about how I feel and come up with a solution that we BOTH agree to and BOTH want so our marriage can work. Right now I feel like the fall back option and I should not. I should feel chosen. I also want to be careful because H has been great as I have written before. H has been helping me out a lot so I can tell he wants to be responsible (a first for him) and has grown up (counselor said she thought so too from what I was saying). For example, H found out a student of his has the flu so yesterday he cleaned the entire house and disinfected everything. He said he wanted to make sure we were healthy and that way when I stayed home (I took today off because it has been a crazy week, and it just so happens I have pink eye) I could relax and this weekend we would not have to clean, but then when I looked at how he brought in the mail he still separated everything into mine and his and did not keep it together. H also has not moved all of his stuff back or told anyone he has moved back but OW and one of my brothers.

So I don't want H to think I am not appreciating the changes he has made and just constantly demanding more, but I also don't want to be a doormat. I need advice!

[ClingingToHope]

The OW is the big thing. I don't think I could live with it.

[ClingingToHope]

How did your weekend go?

[awest1217]

I don't really have time right now to type everything that I need to, but it was an ok weekend, no real drama until 9 pm Sunday night when my brother decided to be very judgemental. Now tonight H left to get hair cut by OW, called 20 minutes after left and said not going and sounded mad. I said don't get mad at me because you feel bad, then spent rest of night texting back and forth. He keeps saying he feels like the bad guy (and he is but I won't say that right now, explanation later) because he knows better. Anyway H is still not home. Left at 6:30 and now is after 9. Checked phone records and while texting me also talking constantly to OW. Got 4 hours of sleep last night, who knows about tonight. More details to follow tomorrow when I have more time because I gotta get some sleep!

[awest1217]

So the weekend...

Friday -
Friday I stayed at home like I said before and S was very whiny, definitely not feeling well. Went to in-laws for pizza and H still did not tell them he had moved back in. That night had a "girl's night in" where we watch a chick flick and have some girl time. THis had been planned for a month so I did not want to cancel it. I had a lot of fun and watched Ghosts of Girlfriend's Past. H went to a restaurant to catch up with OW, but I knew about it and he text me when he was going, where, and when he was coming home so when he got home I thanked him. He got mad because he rushed through eating because said would be home at a certain time, but the restaurant was packed and OW was late as always. So I got upset and did not go to bed until 1 am.

Saturday -
Got up with S at 6:50 am when he woke up. Got ready and woke H up at 8:30 because I was leaving to go to get a massage because i had gotten a gift certificate for my birthday from my brother and his family(once again planned for a month). H watched S at our house. Played with S and when I got home S was sleeping on the couch (a good thing with being sick all week). Both talked about the good time they had. H asked me what I wanted to do. I said going to get S a halloween costume. H said ok, but we didn't go until 4 pm, and then we got chinese from our favorite place for dinner. H talked to OW and she keeps texting how warm pjs are on sale for S or costumes have free shipping for S. It bothers me, but did not say anything or do anything about it. Honestly had a good day of just relaxing.

Sunday -
H says not coming to church because not ready to face everyone. I had been mulling over this for days so before I stared to get ready for church I said I wanted him to either start going to a counselor or go to church. I didn't care which one, but he needed to do something to get some help. He said he feels he does not need any help, but would look into going to see a professor he had (he has a psych major). I said that was fine as long as he could be open and really talk about things. I did get accusatory so I apologized for that.

Check the phone records later, and as soon as S and I left for church, H called OW. I am assuming he hung out with her then too. I asked last night and he said no, but I don't have any reason to believe him. H made dinner and my sister and friend came over so I could help the friend with some of her homework. H got mad because he said dinner was ready and I ignored him (I didn't hear him). He said he can't do that with OW so I shouldn't do that either. I agreed, but said I honestly did not hear him.

9 pm that night my other brother (really step) texts and says H cannot stay at his house when we come to TN because H has not had any consequences for his actions and they did not agree with the situation. I said I was completely ok with my brother saying he did not want H at the house, but did not like the rest because he is not God to cast revenge, and who is he to say I am doing things wrong. It really bugged me. My brother and wife are the only two people H has reached out to and told was coming home. H broke down and I spent most of the night (every 15 minutes) going outside to ask H to come back in and if he wanted to be alone that was fine, but be inside where it was warm and safe. H ranted about how things will never change and everyone is right to be mean to him and how he should have never come home. HOw he will never be happy and only came home to make me happy. He has never and will never be happy. He just wants to leave and start over. Going to stop taking his pills. Through all of the ranting (really more calm indifference with pouting so no yelling or anything) I stayed calm and just reassured him and said I am fine with him being upset and wanting to be alone, but he had to be safe. Finally we had a moment where he said something, I said something back to lighten the mood (which I had been doing all night) and we both laughed. It was an awesome moment! I got him to agree to come in, take his pills, and then left him alone to think. He slept on the couch and I finally went to sleep around 1:30 am with S waking up at 2 am wanting to come in my room so I brought him in. Slept from 2 - 6 am then off to work.

Monday -
Yesterday stunk. H came home already upset because out of habit I had locked the screen door and he could not get in. I was mowing (something he asked to do and I said ok, but he didn't so I just did it myself) so I did not know he couldn't get in. We discussed finances and he said keep separate accounts (so to me we are just roommates). Later as I am about to cook dinner he says "Do you have any big plans tonight?" I say no it is Monday do you? He says I would like to get my hair cut. I then say sure I can do that because I had been cutting his hair for years and OW took over when he moved out (she does a really bad job). He says no I want OW to do it. Is that ok? I knew he had planned this over the weekend and it bothered me, but I could not tell him that because he would flip and leave. I then ask if he is planning on going to the college game this weekend with OW and he said yes. I calmly say that is the two times this month because in teh beginning of September I said I was ok with two times a month seeing each other, and he signs. I say go ahead and go because I am really mad and need you to leave so I can calm down while you are gone. Also there is no point in making him be at home when he doesn't want to be. I make dinner and H is talking to me and gets mad because I don't respond although I can't hear him with chicken sizzling, the fan going, S playing, etc.

H leaves right after dinner and after 20 minutes calls to say he is coming home. He had a horrible tone and I knew he was mad. I said are you mad? He says yes, and out of frustration I say then don't come home and hang up the phone. I text him and say how I am not strong enough to convince him to stay everyday. This starts a long texting conversation (which he is also talking to OW at this time as well) where he compares himself to Anakin from star wars and has the dark side looming and everyday is struggling to not give in. I went along with the analogy since I know star wars and say how Anakin goes to save Padme, but ultimately kills her and loses his kids in the process. H said he knows and did not want to do that to me. I said I would leave him alone, I took a shower and had just gotten in to bed when he got home. I had just text him saying good night and to be safe (especially with the way he acted the night before). He came in and said I told you I was safe. I said ok, I just wanted to emphasize it. He then asked "are you mad?" I said yes and he starts to pack up his stuff. I then get more mad and he says I don't understand how you can be concerned about me, but mad. I said "I don't know how you can say you love me and also love OW." Of course that set him off, and there goes the fight. I wish I wouldn't have said that, but I am going on little sleep, not feeling well, and just gave in to my emotions. We yelled, he threatened to leave, I begged to stay, and not punish me for one bad day. He threatened to kill himself and even cut his arm with a bread knife. HE signed a paper saying he was in his right mind and would never try to get any type of custody of S in lieu of a divorce. I then insist that he needs help,a nd he says why there is nothing wrong with me. I also stand up for myself and say how I am trying and it is not fair to make me be ok with him being "friends" with OW. Also makes me upset that he won't tell her to stop calling and texting so much so he can save his marriage because it would hurt her, which means she is more important to you than I am, and he said yes she is. Finally I get myself together and say I am not going to let you manipulate me anymore and go upstairs to bed. He decides to stay and sleeps on the couch because he would be more comfortable there. I finally go to bed around midnight just to get up again at 6.

This morning -
H gets up and makes sure I am out of bed (I have to be at work early on Tuesdays). Asks to make breakfast and helps to get things ready. He also says how he is sorry for starting the fight and I apologize for saying what I did to escalate it. We left each other cordially, but I honestly don't see him staying past this weekend.

I guess it is bad to say that, but although DR says one person can do it, at some point the other has to come along and with us the OW will never be gone and H does not want to get help so I don't see much of a future unless I roll over and live with an unphysical, untrusting, not intimate marriage, which is not an option. I am trying to be patient, but I think there are a few things in this area H could do.