I think I reached an epiphany last night. Someone asked me a question that put my whole sitch in perspective. The question was simple and the answer even more simple. "Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me?" My answer..."I don't".
Because you love her maybe???
Life is all about timing. A year ago I didn't want to be with my W. Today she doesn't want to be with me. I would bet my last dollar that we still love each other. Will we yet synchronize? Maybe. Time will tell. If we don't, I'm 100% sure I'll be glad I tried.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
I think I reached an epiphany last night. Someone asked me a question that put my whole sitch in perspective. The question was simple and the answer even more simple. "Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me?" My answer..."I don't".
Because you love her maybe???
I'm not even sure about that anymore. Assuming I do love her and she still loves me, that doesn't change the fact that she left, whatever her reasons were. Maybe she doesn't love me, maybe there's an OM, maybe she's having a MLC, maybe she's just terribly unhappy...the fact is she left and hasn't spoken to me or my daughter in over 5 weeks. My only contact with her has been a couple of emails regarding the D paperwork, which I sent her 10 days ago and haven't heard a word since.
Me45 (D11 from 1st marriage) W43 (D20 & D16 from 1st marriage) M4 Bomb 6/16/09 W wants D W moved out 8/29/09 I sent her D paperwork 9/25/09...I'm done
OK, after pondering it for a day, not sure I'm ready to push the D and get this over with quite yet. I've been thinking about why my W hasn't responded in any way to the paperwork. My guess is now that she sees there could be financial ramifications for her (re: splitting the negative equity), what reason does she have to bring it up or move forward with the D? Sometimes the dynamics of the sitch need to change, so what if I stir the pot a bit...a simple email asking if she had a chance to look it over?
Me45 (D11 from 1st marriage) W43 (D20 & D16 from 1st marriage) M4 Bomb 6/16/09 W wants D W moved out 8/29/09 I sent her D paperwork 9/25/09...I'm done
Just read a quote on another thread: Don't do anything until you have to.
Don't try to read her mind on why she hasn't responded yet.
If you remember the book, try something for a while, monitor the reaction, if it's not positive then do something different. If contacting her is something different then go ahead, just keep it simple and direct.
If you're posting on others' threads, ask them to pop over to see what's going on and get their opinion.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
OK, after pondering it for a day, not sure I'm ready to push the D and get this over with quite yet. I've been thinking about why my W hasn't responded in any way to the paperwork. My guess is now that she sees there could be financial ramifications for her (re: splitting the negative equity), what reason does she have to bring it up or move forward with the D? Sometimes the dynamics of the sitch need to change, so what if I stir the pot a bit...a simple email asking if she had a chance to look it over?
Hmmmm. Two related thoughts...
I have received tons of advice to calm down, let go, and slow my expectations and actions if I really want to save my marriage. Sound familiar? I have felt great somedays and felt discouraged on others...wanted to move on several times...probably will tomorrow. It might be the case that doing absolutely nothing right now is the thing to do. She is in the marinade right now.
I left W and didn't say or do anything significant for 10 months. I don't know why but it took me that long to thaw my brain out and understand what was going on. I didn't move to divorce her because wanting to divorce her never entered my mind. Still hasn't.
Does it really make that much difference if we stretch this stuff out a bit longer? Wait a bit more? Try a bit more? I have to believe I'm going to be a much better person as a result.
I also find that each time I think the next move is going to be the end-all-be-all deal breaker...it isn't. Its just a small step in the process forward...which will happen regardless of the outcome. If you ping her or don't ping her it won't be huge. Leaving the table and cashing in your chips will be.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
I left W and didn't say or do anything significant for 10 months. I don't know why but it took me that long to thaw my brain out and understand what was going on. I didn't move to divorce her because wanting to divorce her never entered my mind. Still hasn't.
D is what my W's wanted from day 1. Question for you...in that 10 month period, were you with OW all that time or did that end prior and you just didn't know what to do?
Originally Posted By: RedSoxFan
I also find that each time I think the next move is going to be the end-all-be-all deal breaker...it isn't. Its just a small step in the process forward...which will happen regardless of the outcome. If you ping her or don't ping her it won't be huge. Leaving the table and cashing in your chips will be.
I'm not completely ready to push the D, but if I'm understanding you correctly, a little nudge won't hurt. DB principles say if something isn't working do something else. Not contacting her in 5 weeks hasn't worked. Maybe a little nudge to generate some dialogue either way is better than the status quo.
Me45 (D11 from 1st marriage) W43 (D20 & D16 from 1st marriage) M4 Bomb 6/16/09 W wants D W moved out 8/29/09 I sent her D paperwork 9/25/09...I'm done
D is what my W's wanted from day 1. Question for you...in that 10 month period, were you with OW all that time or did that end prior and you just didn't know what to do?
Roughly 1/3 with her, me in la la land, 1/3 coming to my senses and understanding what I had done, then put the brakes on told her I realized it was wrong...wrong to start a relationship while in another relationship and wrong what I did to my family. We did not end on bad terms at all. She probably still has hopes for the future. Last 1/3 was getting my sh*t together...thinking about next steps, W and I were talking about how we were working on ourselves, etc....then bam! OM showed up
Originally Posted By: billclay18
I'm not completely ready to push the D, but if I'm understanding you correctly, a little nudge won't hurt. DB principles say if something isn't working do something else. Not contacting her in 5 weeks hasn't worked. Maybe a little nudge to generate some dialogue either way is better than the status quo.
Exactly!
I've noticed an interesting cycle with W and me. Something happens like my asking for a copy of separation agreement last week, she gets really mad. I think it's all over for sure. I get upset. Then we end up having a heart-to-heart and some renewed feeling of connection or working together. Something happens to open the door for just a little bit. I'm not saying we're inching toward reconciliation, but maybe toward being friends or healing.
It may also just take time. It did for me. Would have been amazing if W had discovered DBing and decided she could wait. We might be together now. I'm not trying to look in the rearview mirror...just thinking about your sitch.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
