More journaling: I'm a little nervous with MC scheduled for this afternoon, so I apologize if I keep posting every thought in my head today.
Things I'm thinking about bringing up during MC today:
- Back in March, my W initiated MC for us because she wasn't feeling happy. Wee finished our MC in May & we both thought it went well.. but apparently the "results" were short-term. What happened since May to convince her that our M is beyond repair. Why such an attitude change over such a short period of time? She went from pushing me to attend MC to not wanting to try at all.
- Also want to bring up that W was diagnosed with depression back in March when we were going through MC. She had 2 IC sessions before our MC started & that's when she was diagnosed. W is strongly against meds but did take them for 2 months, during which I thought things were better between us. (She'll disagree w/ that, BTW) Then she stopped taking the meds & here we are again. W gets VERY defensive when I bring this up. Doesn't needs meds, doesn't want meds, thinks they make her feel "numb" & she's not herself taking them...thinks it has NOTHING to do w/ our M problems because she's fine now.
- Something I'd like to know but aren't ready to bring up at MC yet. If W was "never in love" & has no hope of things getting better, what is she waiting for??? Too much of an ultimatum to bring up at this point, IMO. But that's what's running through my head right now. Is she waiting for an apartment to open up?...a loan to come through?..waiting to have an OM all lined up before she leaves?...what's the deal???
Or maybe I should just keep my mouth shut at MC today. She has been a little nicer to me lately...even asked me if I wanted to come downstairs to watch TV with her last night. The cold stares & 2-3 word answers have gone away. But still absolutely no physical contact. Our morning goodbye hug/kiss stopped about a week ago. Maybe she's confused. I don't know.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
Thanks Thinker. You told me that yesterday, didn't you? I am going to try my best to say as little as possible, without seeming disinterested or uncooperative.
Call it a hunch, but I have a feeling my W will start off by saying nothing has changed. Then we'll spend the rest of the session making S arrangements.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
MC- Keep your mouth shut and LISTEN! This is very important. This is the most important SKILL you can learn during this difficult time in your life.
This is the most important person in your life. Listen to her. understand her. Feel her pain. Make it all about her by listening and understanding. Compassion and Empathy.
Forgiveness is very important also. Yes, you are hurt too, but you are her husband and need to deal with your issues without her for now. Forgiveness is the way to do this.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Got it. Just listen. I'm actually a good listener. Now the compassion & empathy part might be difficult...but I can do this.
Yes you can do it. If I can do it, so can you. Takes some practice. The book "Radical forgiveness" is a very good read.
Here is my condensed version:
The past is over, so let go of the resentment. The resentment only hurts YOU. Forgive yourself as well as others for the past hurt. DO NOT KEEP PUNISHING YOURSELF for things that have already happened. Let it go. It feels amazing! Keep doing this over and over for the rest of your life. The guy that cut you off this morning. He has no idea he even hurt you. Why hold on to the anger? Works the same for all the hurt in you life....
The future is not here yet. Do not let the FEAR control your actions in the present. Wife said she wants D. Do not let the FEAR of D control your actions NOW. Facing your fear gives you control of your thoughts words and actions in the present.
So, know what you want. Stay in the present. Before MC, while alone, get on your knees and send W blessings. Think as many positive thoughts about W as you can. If negative feelings come, feel them, then forgive W. Give up control to God.
Change your thought process, and your actions and words will follow. Take accountability in your role in the R. Realize W reacts to your actions. Feel your hurt, and then realize W is hurting just as bad. Imagine W as someone else, maybe a close friend talking about someone else (not you).
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Just got home from MC. W is going to start looking for an apartment. My 180'ing & giving her space this past weekend only made her realize how happy she is when we're apart.
This is going to be a difficult night for me. I can't believe she wouldn't even TRY at MC. She went into our first session with her mind already made up. It's taking all I have to fight back the tears right now.
Last edited by etrain; 10/06/0909:51 PM.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
mine did the same.... however, 1 weekend of space is not going to change much. From where i am standing, the more time apart you are the better it CAN work in your favor. THink of it as a vacation that is just starting, you don't want to go home yet cuz you are having so much fun. But if you play your cards right, she might just get tired of being on vacation.
