Just recommend please,it's something I absoluletly hate about myself!!!No short cut, this is mirror stuff. I got away from working on myself and my inner goals for myself last week.
Only couple hours because, the kids get bored or ask for something like a gift or say something mean to me or about they're mom and i'm not going to reward the behavior.
it's getting better each time with them, just trying to break the cycle that we had for so long.
What book would someone recommend on control issues and good communication?
Try "His needs and her needs" and "Boundaries." "Love Languages" is good too.
In one of your posts, you said something about trying to be the hero and having it turned against you. That's my situation. For the past five years I tried to do all the housework, the finances, the driving around of the kids, all to lessen her stress.
Instead, she thought it was all a ploy to either give her no excuses not to have sex or make her so dependant on me that she couldn't leave me.
I was leaving her no room in the marriage for herself. If we can ever find our way back to each other, I hope to just ask her every day, "what do you need from me today?"
If it's to clean something, I'll do it. If it's to pick someone up, that's fine. If I get a chance again, I will not ASSUME I know what's best for her except on rare occasions.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Only couple hours because, the kids get bored or ask for something like a gift or say something mean to me or about they're mom and i'm not going to reward the behavior.
So you take them back home? Really?
My D's get bored, ask for stuff and say mean things. They're kids (in my case teenagers)! Is it my H's fault my kids do this? No, it isn't. This is where you parent. Love and Logic might help you there.
I get that it's supposed to be all about her, but she has the kids. Time for you to take them more IMO, whether they like it or not. SHOW them your intent to be in their live and be a good Dad.
Ok I agree and we have discussed this before. BE THE PARENT.
As far as controlling and communication, I won't recommend any books either because you will just repeat what they say without learning what they mean.
I will however give you examples:
Control--
If she gets a new car and then it needs to be repaired, you tell her what the dealer should have done and you bring her a new car.
How does this translate---
Ok she HEARS that she bought a piece of crap, from a piece of crap dealer, and that you don't trust her judgement and are bringing her back the car that YOU want her to drive.
Communication---
You send her the above referenced email, which was full of guilt and victim playing.
You tell me when I do something that is controlling.
Translation--I am not doing anything to change my behavior but if you spell it out to me, I will argue with you about it or change it just to make you happy.
You need to look at how you interact and what you say and see how does this sound or appear to someone else? Ask yourself, how would I feel if someone acted this way with me?
And you have to do it with every single thing that happens.
AYK, you say you are fine until you interact with her and then you spin.
That is blaming and not accepting responsibility for your own actions and thoughts.
And if that is the case you might as well just go file right now. Because this, is the world of MLC.
EVERYTHING she does or says is going to make you spin. For a very long time. NONE of it is going to make sense or be able to be rationalized for a long long time.
It is HOW you choose to handle it, IF you choose to handle it, that is either going to keep you grounded or make you spin.
Listen, I'm not giving up on you either, but none of us here can do the work for you. We all had to do it together, alone. It is the only way.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
STFU...and in your case this also applies to texts and emails...TTFU and ETFU.
Unless it is about the kids, or bills.
And that should be KISS, Keep It Simple Stupid.
I will pick up the kids on Friday at 5 pm and drop them off Sunday at 6pm.
I paid the Visa.
NOT: I paid the Visa this month and I want you to know that while I won't be eating steak this week or next week, I still want to keep paying the Visa because gosh darn it it makes me feel good being able to help you and to show you how full of awesome I am.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Thank you guys, printed off posts and highlighted and I have all kinds of post it notes.
I need to get back to work on myself and i need to realize that i'm not going to change overnight.
I need to look at it from a MLC'ers eyes not mine when I do communicate, where I think I'm being nice, they see it as an attack, so I need to jump over the fence and look at it as if I were her how would I see it.
it's a random thought, but does it make sense until I fix myself?
