I think our situations are similar in that we both realized we had serious changes to make and we made them. Sure, we may have known we needed to make the changes for us, but at least in my case, a wonderful affirmation would be if my W validated that the changes are good and trustworthy. It's like I trust her judgement on that more than anyone else's. If I meet someone else and they appreciate who I am, that would be great, but it wouldn't have quite the same meaning as coming from my W, because she saw me at my worst.
No, I'm not divorced. Not even legally separated yet, although we've been living separately since the beginning of the year, and my W has travelled three times to see her OM. In my state, we have a mandatory one year wait after legal separation is granted before a no-fault D is granted. I could D my W any time I want though, as she has committed adultery, and she would have no defense. It's because I have hope for us that I don't go that route, plus it would probably be much more expensive than legally separating first. My W and I seem to trade off who's proactively pushing for the legal stuff, and who's dragging their feet. Right now I'm pushing for it, as we can't live like this forever, and she's stalling. When she saw me pushing for it, she asked if I'd be willing to talk about "us" at some point, and then referred to the D in a very unsure manner, as in "If we do end up finalizing this D, ..."
Definitely don't roll over in the D process. In fact, insisting on a fair arrangement is not only right, it'll get you respect in her eyes. She is being very spiteful, and is letting anger dictate her actions. Try not to read too much into what she's asking for. Her lawyer is probably telling her to ask for everything, why not? Then she can concede things from there.
As for you moving on, we all need to make that choice on our own. It doesn't mean we're closing the door on our W or our M forever, but it might be good for your sense of worth as a human being. You've been waiting for your W to give you some indication that you're not a bad person. Maybe if you got that validation from others, it might make you feel quite a bit better. I have gone through periods where I felt like I need to move on and I dated some, but our three kids keep me in contact with my W so much, and we enjoy each other's company so much that I can't seem to really let go for good. Doesn't seem like she can either. I can't allow this limbo to go on much longer though.
