My Intro: Thanks for Reading!

[aliveandkicking]

I guess I'm just a terrible person and I don't get it. It just breaks my heart.

What is this? Why are you a "terrible person" because you have feelings?? We all cam to this site heartbroken. Of course it hurts.

The illusion is that you have any control. You have to just go straight through it, no way around. Whether you D on paper or not, these things will challenge you.

[ClingingToHope]

As far as waiting 8 months, my D took 29 months so you're just getting started.

Good Lord. Really? Why did it take so long. If we head the D route I want it to zoom through. I'm spending from May through end of December in limboland.

[RedSoxFan]

I guess I'm just a terrible person and I don't get it. It just breaks my heart.

What is this? Why are you a "terrible person" because you have feelings?? We all cam to this site heartbroken. Of course it hurts.

The illusion is that you have any control. You have to just go straight through it, no way around. Whether you D on paper or not, these things will challenge you.

Terrible person because I am so so angry and deeply sad and hurt and resentful at her for being with OM even though I left her first a year ago. Our marriage was so bad either of us could have walked away. Both of us were depressed and vulnerable. Either of us could have had an affair...but it was me. I never wanted things to end and I never pursued the D. In fact many of my things are still at our house. I feel like she could have at least divorced me if she was going to move forward with another relationship. Now I'm stuck trying to figure out how to DB which means not Divorce. But I just can't stand by and smile while she has another relationship and I pretend that there's hope. If I were a better person maybe I would be able to do it because this is all my fault.

[aliveandkicking]

I guess I'm just a terrible person and I don't get it. It just breaks my heart.

What is this? Why are you a "terrible person" because you have feelings?? We all cam to this site heartbroken. Of course it hurts.

The illusion is that you have any control. You have to just go straight through it, no way around. Whether you D on paper or not, these things will challenge you.

Terrible person because I am so so angry and deeply sad and hurt and resentful at her for being with OM even though I left her first a year ago. Our marriage was so bad either of us could have walked away. Both of us were depressed and vulnerable. Either of us could have had an affair...but it was me. I never wanted things to end and I never pursued the D. In fact many of my things are still at our house. I feel like she could have at least divorced me if she was going to move forward with another relationship. Now I'm stuck trying to figure out how to DB which means not Divorce. But I just can't stand by and smile while she has another relationship and I pretend that there's hope. If I were a better person maybe I would be able to do it because this is all my fault.

You can be hurt and resentful if that is how you feel. You think anyone can talk you out of those feelings? She could have left for OM but she didn't. Complaining that she "could have at least divorced" you is twisted. She didn't want a divorce, you did (or at least made it appear you did). So she should have initiated the thing that is the hardest thing to go through next to death of a loved one? As hard as it is for you IS as hard as it was for her (only she had to feel that it was done "to her" on top of it). My H still has many things at our house...convenient for him to be sure and a nice way for him to have "moved on" while still leaving constant reminders of us and unfinished business around.

Sometimes DBing IS divorce. Your feelings are valid even if your logic is a little twisted and you vacillate between it being all your fault and blaming her...just try to stop. You both have culpability but you're not gonna make her out to be the worse one just make yourself feel better, are you?

She wants a divorce, give it to her. Love is not sitting around and waiting for someone to want you. Love is being sane and considerate and honest...

More later.

What can you do other than stand by and smile? You want to get angry? You want to get back at her? You want an opportunity to tell her what you think of her? Take it to IC because that venom is what makes divorces get really ugly really fast...we feel like we should not have to sit by and get screwed as if some more money and vetting in court will appease that feeling...no, just makes you hate each other and waste a ton of dough.

What can you do about your feelings?

[billclay18]

Clinging,

Here's the timeline:

11/00 exW drops bomb
1/01 I discover EA
10/01 exW files for D
7/02 custody settled, I move out
3/03 I buy exW out of the house, move back
2/04 D final

It took so long because exW was unwilling to compromise on anything, so I had no choice but to let the system play out. I got the best settlement possible. It shouldn't have taken this long, but when your spouse is unwilling to meet you halfway, my only choices were to cave or ride it out.

[RedSoxFan]

Not much new to report here. I actually ended up having a long conversation with W on Sunday. One of only 3 or 4 real/connected conversations we've had in the last few months since I asked her to reconcile.

I continue to maintain my current approach in all actions and communication. She knows where I stand. I am making it clear that I am moving forward. This feels like the right way to go for our situation but I'm open to corrections and suggestions. I suppose what I'm doing is pressuring because the clock is ticking. I have not asked her to do anything (eg stop seeing OM, counseling, etc.) I have only said that I cannot continue to be married to someone who is in a relationship and she sees me moving forward...asking for D, asking for separation agreement for my attorney, etc.

So in our conversation she opened up and shared a few things. Again we talked about all of the hurt and the difficulty in her being able to trust me. She described her relationship with OM a bit (I didn't ask or bring him up). She says he treats her well and is her friend. No signs of anything in the description that makes me think love or long-term on her mind.

The other thing she shared was just that she's afraid that I'm going to take her kids away. She feels that is all I have left. I spent a lot of time reassuring her that my intent is to be an equal parent. There seems to be a combination of fear, resentment and mistrust (as would be expected)guiding her thinking. In her mind I don't have a right to be a full and equal participant because I left. Since in her mind I screwed her over she suspects I'm trying to do that now.

So there are really 3 different ways I could go forward.

1) continue on my current path. She knows the door is open but I'm moving forward. I keep moving forward slowly and steadily forcing her to think through things. She also sees me in control. Happy, healthy and a good solid choice. (optional: let her know I'll slow down on D if she cuts off OM. No sign that she would do this but its hard to know for sure without pressing her).

2) I could forget about the D, etc. engage with the kids and focus on moving on with my life. Since she already perceives that I'm moving forward I will have to take some bigger steps. Purchase new house, maybe some dating OW, etc.

3) Same as #1 but slow way down on the D and focus on partnering with her as a good parent. Spend lots of time engaging with kids, pets, house, etc. Be her friend. This one is harder for me because OM will likely still be in the picture.

[billclay18]

2) I could forget about the D, etc. engage with the kids and focus on moving on with my life.

Yes.

Since she already perceives that I'm moving forward I will have to take some bigger steps.

How do you know this?

Purchase new house, maybe some dating OW, etc.

By OW...do you mean the OW? Assuming that's not what you mean, not sure that's a great idea anyway. If you want to date because you've moved on, fine. But you clearly haven't. I sense for you it's more of a tit-for-tat thing.

Purchase a new house? Not a good idea with your financial future up in the air.

[RedSoxFan]

OW = other women...not to be confused with other woman.

I guess I already have enough guilt about what I've done to W and OW that I just don't feel it with respect to other women!

and you're right....I have no way of knowing if she in fact perceives me to be moving forward.

[faithisbelieving]

Ugh.

I am making it clear that I am moving forward.

Ever meet a salesperson at the door? The Electrolux guy trying to sell you a vacuum or some religious person trying to get you to change your religion?? Or how about the telemarketer who calls just as you are putting that burger, right off the grill, into your mouth?

Actions speak louder than words. Stop the apologizing. Stop the posturing. Stop the 'threats' of moving forward and how you've changed.

Ugh.

The unfortunate truth here is that you hurt your wife initially and weren't true to your vows. She was hurt. She lost trust. She found comfort with another man. OK.....that's old history now and you want to reconcile. Well you can't do it easily nor by being a wuss, pursuing her and constantly apologizing.

First off, women listen and hear better than we do. She HEARD you apologize the first, second, third time. Actions speak much louder.

Women read US much better than WE do them. Actions. She needs to SEE what you mean. She needs to see that you are calm, available and listening but not selling and threatening her with moving on if she doesn't do it YOUR way.

Ask yourself.....would YOU go back to YOU if you were her? Why would anyone woman go back to YOU? If you know WHY she should go back to you, then stop the posturing and do as Jean Luc Picard says"

Make it so.

I can tell you that the ONLY CHANCE YOU HAVE is to stop all the stuff you are doing, grieve the loss of your marriage and go forward with actions and not words. Note, I am not saying dump your wife, treat her like crap and walk away.

FACT: the majority of separations go on to divorce
FACT: if W is with OM, she finds HIM more attractive than you (for the moment) and you need to learn how to become attractive again.

I hope you are not in the State of NY as I am. I agree that if you are paying her more than what is usual, your state will most likely continue the 'status quo'. You will NOT be able to prove that you are hurting if can easily afford this NOW. Not only that, your W will begin to enjoy the support and will NOT want to relinquish it once established.

If you KNOW that W is starting to get angry and...you KNOW that the odds are high that sep leads to divorce and that people change during the divorce process, you should do whatever is necessary to protect yourself and your future but do so FAIRLY and without threat to her. If she is getting angry, then, you may be presenting yourself as an adversary.

Repeating:
1) Hold Onto Your NUTS
2) Making her happy dot com and sign up for the newsletters
3) Venus and Mars Starting Over by Gray

You only have 2 choices:
1)Stand for your marriage
2)Don't

The only way you'll survive choice number one is to let go.

FIB

[RedSoxFan]

Thanks FIB!!

Repeating:
1) Hold Onto Your NUTS

hmmmmm

2) Making her happy dot com and sign up for the newsletters

Have visited the website twice and never found a newsletter link.

3) Venus and Mars Starting Over by Gray

Ordered.

The only way you'll survive choice number one is to let go.

Not intuitive why this is gospel. I've heard it a few times but it never seems to come with an explanation...or at least one I get.

...and what's with the ugh.??