The next day she came to me, started an R discussion, and said that while she wasn't happy and didn't believe thing could get better, she didn't want to get divorced.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
The next day she came to me, started an R discussion, and said that while she wasn't happy and didn't believe thing could get better, she didn't want to get divorced.
I put a call in today to a lawyer who handled my mother's estate -- my W and I had to run a retail store for six months together after my mom died while both working full time. It was stressful, but it was probably the best we've ever worked together.
He referred me to a female attorney who charges $275 for a consultation and a $3,000 retainer. I think I'll wait a month -- have apartment stuff to pay off -- before going to see her.
I truly don't think W realizes what she's getting into financially. She's starting to. When I moved out in May I left her $1,500 in cushion money and another $1,000 in savings. That money is all gone and the winter bills are coming and the bills are due on all the stuff she bought after I moved out -- a $2,000 swing set the girls don't use, new couches and rugs to replace what I took with when I moved.
She's told the girls how much they'll have to cut back. When they are with me, we mostly do the same things we always have because I save and plan ahead.
If we D, I think she's in for a rude awakening. I've been paying above what child support laws call for although it's not in writing. She outearns me by $8,000 so I could make a case for spousal support. I took out a 401(k) loan to pay off her car last year. I'm still making payments on mine. We gutted my IRA to fix up the basement after a flood so it is just $10,000. The lump sum payment in her pension plan is likely up to $50,000. Our 401(k)'s are the same. She ran up $15,000 in credit card debt and I've been paying on that all year. She'll have to take half of that as well.
The only thing I have in my favor is about $5,000 in savings and investments -- these are joint.
There's no equity in the house. Thanks to the flood we owe about what it's worth.
One of the major things I know I have going for me is I'm good with money. Unfortunately, I wasn't strong enough or smart enough to find a way to curb her spending habits in the M.
I know I'll be OK down the road. I don't think she will, but if that's the bridge she wants to cross, I won't stand in her way.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Another warning my L gave me: If you separate, whatever is the financial arrangement during S, even if unspoken and unwritten, can be argued as the defacto D agreement.
ie: You paying for her car, paying above the legal child support levels, etc.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
If we decide to S, I'll definitely be seeing a L before I commit to anything. There's a good chance my W is trying to get her financial ducks in a row right now. I don't know why else she'd still be around if she was "never in love" and has no hope of things ever getting better.
Switching topics for a moment...What are your opinions on bringing up the principles of DB during MC? I'm trying to prep for tomorrow's MC session & I honestly don't have anything new to say. This week was just like last week. We didn't discuss our R once.
Do I bring up that I'm trying to give her space to do her own thing (180) while I focus on getting my life back together (GAL'ing)? Or should I just continue to do those things w/o "announcing" them to my W? I'm thinking the latter would be the way to go or else she'll think it's all an act.
What are your thoughts?
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
Haven't seen a lawyer yet either....hate thinking of all that financial mess to deal with! But can see how it makes sense to consult one at some point when I'm ready (if R things don't improve.)
If she asks about the GAL changes just say that you are doing them because you want to do them.
Thanks again for the advice. I think I got everything off my chest at last week's MC session. No need for me to repeat the same things this week...and push my W further away in the process.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
Another warning my L gave me: If you separate, whatever is the financial arrangement during S, even if unspoken and unwritten, can be argued as the defacto D agreement.
Really? Well, if I go see her in November and she says the same thing I guess I'd have to approach W and say we need to modify.
That will seriously p*ss her off, but since she's the one not giving this M a second chance I don't want to get roped into something permanent.
Anybody else have to go through that?
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Well MC session #3 is this afternoon. I'm not optimistic. As my W & I were leaving for work this morning, I asked if she wants to meet at home again (like we have before our first 2 sessions). Then we drive to the session together. She said..."Oh yeah. I forgot about that." As if she forget we even had MC today. It's nice to see she's been giving our M so much thought. And, of course, we didn't do any of the M "exercises" my W agreed to do before today's session. Meh.
Last edited by etrain; 10/06/0912:18 PM.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
Sorry to hear that etrain. I was in and out of MC with my W for months. During that whole time my w was completely unenthusiastic. Remember that MC can only work if both parties want to work at fixing the M. It can't convince her to do the work if she is on the fence re the M.
Also, I believe you talked about there being the chance of an EA in your sitch. MC can't work if there is an active 3rd party relationship. When the EA in my sitch was revealed, our MC stopped the sessions (and switched to IC with me) because he said "We can't proceed if there is a 3rd party in the picture"
This doesn't mean it is over, by any means. I stopped MC after 4 or 5 sessions in January. We restarted and went back a few times later after the EA was over, but stopped again because my w still didn't want to work at it - seeing working at it as a commitment to the R she didn't want to make. The end of MC, however, did not mean the end of the M or the end of DB. We're still going and, if we get to the point where it is appropriate, I'll suggest that we go back.
My point is, don't put too much emphasis on and get too worried about the MC sessions. Focus on your DB efforts.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
