It's too hard sometimes

[sandi2]

MLC means mid-life crises.

[TooLateForMe]

Hmm. Think my thread got taken over. Oh well, I'll start another.

[TooLateForMe]

Oh, well. I'll post anyway. No use starting all over.

For those who've been paying attention, had yet another nc for this week.

Recent thinking has put me in the frame that I will just agree with her and validate her. Truth is, I have a lot of the same issues as W does. Never feeling good enough, walking on eggshells, exhausted by the constant ups and downs. I haven't been thinking about my own feelings and solely concentrating on hers. I'm tired of that and spent a good deal of time today thinking about how I've felt through the last year.

So, I broke the nc and sent her an email saying how I need to move on to a healthy lifestyle. That might seem manipulative in that I don't want the M to end. But I no longer have the energy to stay so obsessed with her. I feel she needs to know that I'm not chasing her any more and that I'm focusing on my own health.

It always seems to be about how she feels any more. I keep reaching out and she knocks me back. No more. My life has got to be about me and she has to know that. Basically, if she wants to be my friend, she will have to act like one.

I won't hold onto her and that's not what a M is about anyway.

[sandi2]

Hmm. Think my thread got taken over. Oh well, I'll start another.

Huh???? What do you mean?

[NoLongerHere]

So, I broke the nc and sent her an email saying how I need to move on to a healthy lifestyle. That might seem manipulative in that I don't want the M to end. But I no longer have the energy to stay so obsessed with her. I feel she needs to know that I'm not chasing her any more and that I'm focusing on my own health.

It always seems to be about how she feels any more. I keep reaching out and she knocks me back. No more. My life has got to be about me and she has to know that. Basically, if she wants to be my friend, she will have to act like one.

Exactly. I told my W something similar - and she did respond to it. But, for both of us, need to show it, not tell.

I don't think it's manipulative, I think it's healthy to realize.

[C-Bart]

Hmm. Think my thread got taken over. Oh well, I'll start another.

Huh???? What do you mean?

That was weird. Somehow two conversation combined into one.

[C-Bart]

So, I broke the nc and sent her an email saying how I need to move on to a healthy lifestyle. That might seem manipulative in that I don't want the M to end. But I no longer have the energy to stay so obsessed with her. I feel she needs to know that I'm not chasing her any more and that I'm focusing on my own health.

It always seems to be about how she feels any more. I keep reaching out and she knocks me back. No more. My life has got to be about me and she has to know that. Basically, if she wants to be my friend, she will have to act like one.

Exactly. I told my W something similar - and she did respond to it. But, for both of us, need to show it, not tell.

I don't think it's manipulative, I think it's healthy to realize.

How do you have NC with your W with kids?

[TooLateForMe]

the nc was for this week only. I talk to the kids (d13 and d10) nightly. nc was supposed to be until this friday when I go to take W to doctor and bring the kids back to my place for the weekend.

We're not on bad terms at all. I really want to do some moving on. I love her, but holding on is too painful. And it won't get her to change her mind.

I've let myself get wound up in the emotion. I didn't used to be like this. I was confident once and had good rapport with women. I got sucked into the mentality that this R was all there was.

Today was great, no grief and a positive attitude. But as soon as it gets dark the anxiety hits hard. Must have something to do with patterns in the R routine.

I've read some of the gucci posts and find that mentality to be more like the old me. Need to get back into that frame of mind. Maybe a lot nicer than I once was, but I definitely need to reboot the self-respect.

[TooLateForMe]

Any tips on "letting go?"

It's hard when every aspect of my life has a short-line connection to the R.

One thing I do get is that the best-friends aspect of our relationship can't exist without reconciliation. Do I tell W this? If she wants to pursue the friendship aspect then I would suspect there's hope there. I just don't want to be her emotional dumping ground while she moves on. How can I let go if that's the case?

And how much to I communicate that I'm letting go? Obviously not much verbally. I don't want her assuming I'm totally cold to any connection, either.

Clearly she values our connection. We're talking. A problem of mine is my unwillingness to be flexible. Her seeing me as cold and indifferent would likely convince her that I'm not changing. Shutting her out would be bad.

Should I let her take the lead in terms of communication? That seems weak, though. My taking the lead seems pushy.

Maybe set up specific days to talk? That worked during our previous separation.

I need a stronger approach, not mean, but not weak, either. I need to quit focusing on W/R. I have tools to fix the M if I have a chance so I need to let that go. I need to detach without forgetting my true goal: save our M.

[TooLateForMe]

And here's a little side note of some of the other things I'm dealing with.

At the same time as the original 3 month separation my sister lost her kids to her crazy ex-H. She drove up to pick of her younger S from his summer w/ the ex and her older S jumps out of her car and into ex's. They tell her they want to live with their dad and insult her and tell her how much they hate her. They all laugh as she drives off crying.

Now she works two jobs, trying to throw herself into work. Her boys came here the other day while she was gone to pick up some of their stuff, trashed the room it was stored in and took the younger son's dog. She loved that dog and felt it was a big connection to her children.

Today, to keep my mind off of my own problems, I was cleaning up the trashed room. They left behind so much stuff my sister gave them out of love, stuff I wish I could have gotten for my kids. Video games, expensive clothes and toys. It broke my heart. How could you do that? I'm trying so hard to save my family, to protect and love my kids. I realize they're children and children can be cruel, especially with such a screwed-up father like the one they have. It hurts to know the extent people can go to wound other people.

I was never like that. I was neglectful of my W's feelings. I never went so far out of my way to hurt her or manipulate my kids. It seems so unfair. I could never be so cruel but I'm losing my W.