You keep hosing yourself because you are still trying to control the situation, trying to speed it up, trying to make some sort of decision happen. But the only thing that will happen if you continue on this path is an outcome that you really don't want.
You seem to have decided this is MLC. Well if it is, then acting the way you have been is not the solution. If it isn't, well, it still doesn't seem to be working.
MLC is a long process. A very very long process. It is not for the faint of heart. It is not for those who want to control everything. It is not for those without patience. Or those at least willing to try to develop patience.
MLC is filled with confusion. On the part of the MLCer and the LBS. It is filled with lies, projection, anger, and they will spew the most hurtful and hateful things at you that you will probably ever hear.
We have all been where you are. But if you can slow down, if you can listen and learn, which you seem to be trying to do, and then if you can control yourself enough, you can stop digging your own grave.
No matter how many changes you make right now, she is going to still see you the way she has seen you. You keep telling her you have changed, but then the small actions you do, show her that the other part of you is still there. She won't see that you have changed until you really have. Until you are living that way for you and no other reason.
So AYK, personally, I think the time has come where you have to decide something.
You have to decide if you really want to and believe you are capable of giving this the time that it may take to play out. You have to decide if, at this point, you are willing to stop trying to defend yourself, stop trying to be the "hero", stop trying to prove something to her. Stop saying DB phrases or things you have gained from counselors to her. Those thing are for you to learn and grow, not for her. And they don't show her anything other than you learned some new fancy phrase.
If you decide that you really do want to do this, and can really commit to it, and can really take the time to embrace it and yourself, you will stop digging your own grave.
If you can't do that, well...
They always say actions speak louder that words, but that doesn't mean they speak faster.
This is a time for you to learn and grow. And it is important because as this progresses, you will NEED the clarity, calm, and strength that you CAN gain now, to deal with what will come later on down the road. Trust me on that one.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
