I've prayed and prayed, but nothing. How can this be a good thing?
How are you praying? That makes a difference. If we pray that God would do what is best for all concerned, then we can rest in knowing that we will have the best considering the choices that we humans have made. Just b/c something doesn't go like you want it to.....in the time you want it to happen.....doesn't mean God is not doing anything. I believe He is always working things for the good to those that believe in Him and are called to His purpose. That is what the scripture promises.
So, does that make any sense? I've also learned to pray that things are done in God's perfect timing, b/c my timing certainly is not "perfect".....but His is and that sure makes a big difference. It's hard to wait if we are doing it in our own energy.....but if we do it in "faith"...then that makes a huge difference.
I think the reason your W responded the way she has the past few days, is b/c of your 180's--and she has been taken by surprise. That is what 180's are suppose to do. So the fact that she is saying what she is....is really a good sign. She sees that you are not laying down and trying to act as if you are "dying" and that has surprised her.....and in fact, has made her mad! When you think about it, it's kind of funny. The thing is for you not to allow what she says to change you back into a needy, clingy, fearful man. You see, you are already wondering if this is going to go in the opposite direction......why?......b/c she said that she couldn't believe you would act like you have over "her" wanting a D? Can't you see that she is turning the whole thing around to make it appear that "now" you are the one who wants the D? She knows exactly who wanted out in this R. Don't fall for her little games. This is very, very typical of a WAW who has wanted to file for a D and when the LBH used the DB technique, it would surprise her and hurt her ego a bit and she would respond just like your W has done. Don't dare back up and play the part of a pitiful LBH who is begging his WAW to stay with him. You have to trust this plan in order to be affective. How can you act self-confident if you don't trust what you are doing? BTW, there isn't anything about DBing that goes againt Christian principles and that always made me feel good about it, so you can pray all the time you are applying DB.
I'll be thinking about you today.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well, I made it through. She is resolved to get a divorce. She told the attorney today, in regards to finances, that she didn't trust me. The attorney said that everything is open in a divorce so that should not be a concern. I did provide everything, even remembering a 33 year old life insurance policy of mine and included that.
I pay $400 in child support, which I will gladly do.
We agreed to 50/50 placement of the kids. Financial details still need to be worked out, but the attorney/mediator said she was impressed how fair and amicable we were being and even suggested that we not need a mediator if we could continue this route.
Afterward my wife and I talked on the sidewalk. She was clearly mad at me, but spoke more rationally. I never cried, asked her to reconsider, etc.. We will talk again on Wed when she comes home, sort of a transmission meeting for the sake of the kids. She wants to file ASAP and I don't think I should do anything to delay it...just sign with her and get that part over with.
In WI it takes at least 4 months to divorce, most are 6 - 8 months.
After I left (we were 90 miles from home), she called me because she was lost and needed directions, I gave them to her and got her going.
I actually felt okay, but more certain that we aren't going to be doing a 180 in the divorce process, but I am still hopeful.
Sandi, you asked about how I pray...I talked to the kids about that too...just because God doesn't give you what you ask for doesn't mean he wasn't listening. When they pray, they do say "please don't let mom and dad get a divorce" and then I add, with them, unless that is the best for our family according to your plan. It is hard to not follow my own advice. I admit that I pray to have this stop. "I've learned my lesson God", but mainly I pray for strength and wisdom, courage and an open heart. I think I've gotten those as gifts from God, but my wife is still focused on divorce, even saying today that we have to get this going because the limbo is emmotionally tough. No kidding.
My main comments with her today focused on keeping the focus on the kids, working to be friends in the end and showing the kids that if Mom and Dad couldn't make a marriage work, at least they could do the next best thing and be good co-parents and friends.
It kills me to think of her re-marrying, my kids having a step dad (though she says she has no interest in that...it is just a matter of time for both of us...probably years done the road...but I am a planner and thinker, so I think of this stuff). More often I think of lonely holidays, not just for me, but for her. The holidays without the kids, at her parents house are going to be so sad. I guess I am happy that she will be doing 50/50 because then I get holidays too, but I just am sick that this will hurt more than us, it will hurt the kids, the grandparents and so many others.
So, do I act happy with her? Do I go out and live it up, show her I am enjoying my new found freedom? I don't know. I know that this approach is the best. So many people have told me how amazing I have been doing and how my outlook is so positive, even in the face of divorce; but it is a facade, I want to believe this will all be a bad dream, but I wake up each day and realize it is not.
One day at a time is all we can do. I am numb again today. I'll probably watch another marriage movie tonight like Fireproof or Chaos Theory.
Thanks for thinking of me. Everyone's comments here help so much.
My W just stopped by. Big football game tonight, Packers Vs. Vikings. She's a Viking fan, I a Packer fan...ironic, huh?
She needed her Jersey for a party that she is going to. God she looked beautiful. Now I am a wreck...I wonder if she knew that would happen if she stopped by. Clearly the 180 aproach works for her, though I don't think she is trying to do a 180, it is how she feels. I just found her radiant and I think stared at her a little too long. I didn't say anything though. Just have fun, and of course, Go PACK.
She looked beautiful, happy, smart and just overall georgeous.
What happened to my life? Here I am, about to file jointly for divorce from the woman that I love, have spent 50% of my life with and have three beautiful children with. WHY DIDN'T I DO BETTER? WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN? WHY DO WE MAKE SUCH DUMB MISTAKES?
I need to go cry. Thank god for SpongeBob Square Pants. I can sneak away for a 15 minute cry and self-loathing session.
I have not felt jealousy since this all started. I've felt sadness about the thought of my wife loving someone else, but never imminent jealousy.
Tonight, out of no where, I started wondering if my wife would meet someone out tonight. I know whe went out with friends. What if? She has a whole house to herself. I have absolutly no reason to suspect this. I honestly feel like my wife wouldn't do this...but what if? That is probably a game I shouldn't play, but I can't stop thinking about it.
I hate this. Now I am not sad, I am jealous, and for some reason, angry.
Would I do the same thing? Yes, I would. I would go out, talk with friends, enjoy a few drinks and watch a ballgame. Would I take someone home? I sure don't think so...but what if?
Where did this feeling come from? She's explicitly said that she doesn't want to get into another relationship, she even said "I don't think I ever want to be in a relationship again". I doubt that, that time will come...but why am I so paranoid right now?
Oh my gosh, this stinks. I just want to tell her I love her and want to work on our marriage. I want to be married to her and be with her always, yet I am sitting here, heading toward divorce and now being paranoid she is with someone else.
Just wanted to say your story is giving me the courage to stick by this plan and try to get my ex-wife back. We divorced 9 weeks ago; in Oregon it only took us a week from decision to final decree. And I've regretted it ever since. I also pray, that God's will be done. I don't believe it pleases God to see our marriage break up so I have to put my trust in Him that this is all part of his plan. And yeah, lots of crying and self-loathing (in private) but also a shred of hope for the first time.
M: 46 W: 50 D: 18 S: 15 GS: 13 months M: Would have been 20 years last Friday.
Ron
M: 47 W: 50 D: 19 S: 16 Grandson: 21 months (now officially our son) Married: 10/2/89 Divorced: 7/31/09 XW moved back home 11/12 Re-married 5/25/10
I'm really glad that my story gives you hope, I reallt am...but I don't see how it does.
My wife reaffirmed yesterday that she wants a divorce. We saw an attorney. She had the papers ready and we signed them; though she was missing pages.
Over the last 5 weeks I found hope in little things, now I am not.
In fact, I am finding the opposite in litte things. I'm feeling anger and jealousy and it hurts worse.
I'm sick. I worry that jealousy and anger are the "next step" in falling out of love and that I am moving on in the grief process. I don't want to give up.
I love my W so much and I hurt her so much, but all I want is to be a better man and show her that I am. Yet, I sat in bed last night crying that she wasn't there with me, even worrying that she was with someone else, moving on with her life. Again, I have no reason to believe that is true at all...its all a fabrication in my head.
I'm so sad today. We have the paperwork and will need to go through it this week before we file. We need to "draft" our assets, I pick something then she picks something, etc...
My kids will only be with me tonight, then an etire week without them. I am sick.
I worry about holidays and how it will be without them, but what is weird is not worrying about my lonliness without them, but feeling sadness that when they ARE with me, my wife will feel that lonliness. That makes me so sad.
I keep praying that this stops, but I know God doesn't always answer prayers the way we want; but just this one time? please?
Again, I am happy you find hopefullness in my story and I feel for your situation. I juust wish I could feel some hopefulness today.
It's crazy, but it will help me through the day and that is all that matters right now.
Yesterday, when leaving mediation, my W took a wrong turn. She called me because she said the GPS on her phone wasn't working and didn't know where to turn to get back to the hwy. I gave her directions and we said good bye. She could have called anyone, but she called me. Granted, I was on the same trip and had just made the turn myself, so it was a logical choice to call me, but she still called me rather than her parents a friend or anyone else. Then she did stop home to get her Jersey for the football game, she was looking very nice.
I said good bye when she left and she said good bye...nothing more than saying goodbye to a friend, but it was coordial.
So even though I am feeling jealousy today, for no apparent reason, I chose to be hopeful and continue with the DB plan. I will let her go, because I really do want her to be happy. If that isn't with me, I will be terribly sad and take a long time to move on; but at this point, it is the best I can do.
Keep praying, I am praying for all of you and I know you are praying for me.
