I have a friend whos husband has been in and out of every "business plan" known to man. He has wasted their money,his parents money, her parents money....with nothing but HUGE debt to show for it. This guy always tells my friend that "she doesn't support him" and I know that he knows that isn't true. I think he's just so guilty that, again, it's easier to blame this on my friend than for him to take a look at himself.
My husband comes from a very,very poor family and, by their standards, we are rich. By my standards, we are hanging on by our finger tips and I lay awake and wonder every day how I'm going to pay for things we desperately need. My husband always is unhappy with what he has and always wants newer, better, faster, etc. He is never just content with what he has. He has ADHD and that's a HUGE symptom of that. I'm not suggesting your wife has that, I"m just saying that I really relate to having to sort of "parent" the financial stability of your lives together. I know for a fact that the parental aspect of our lives has led my H to be very angry with me...as if I'm controlling him. But he also admits that one of the things that attracted him to me was that I was a go-getter and really good with money. We have gone through ATV's and cars and techno-gadgets galore. Money has just been squandered and wasted on me trying to get him to the next "happy" place.
I don't do that anymore. I'm really, really doing my best to detach and let him face the consequences of his actions. He has a seperate checking account which is always overdrawn and then I find him taping into our joint account to cover the money he's overspent. So, I want to ask him to separate the accounts so that he cannot be covered. I don't quite have the strength to have that talk yet, but I know I"m getting there quickly.
I am sick of living as cordial friends and not getting anything in return. It's sooooo hard to be this strong when you want so much to be loved and cared for. I want to be valued. I know that I'm not supposed to base my value on how others value me but, ya know, it would really be nice to get a hug in the kitchen and know that my H feels a connection with me. I feel nothing from him right now....and I"m really not sure if he'll ever be able to give it to me. The words from our M therapist (which we no longer go to) ring in my ear very loud and clear...."Gina, I don't believe that he has the emotional maturity to engage in any type of mature, healthy, loving relationship. I suspect even friendships are difficult for him. Not now, maybe not ever. Especially if he's not willing to work on himself instensly. So you need to decided if you can live like this or not".
You and I have our kids so we have tolerated sooo much for their sakes, trying to keep the family unit together. Sometimes, I think that I'm actually doing more harm than good. I wonder if my daughter is being more damaged by seeing a marriage that isn't a marriage. She doesn't see us be affectionate anymore, she rarely experiences times where both of us are engaging with her, etc. By seeing this, I'm teaching her how relationships with men, work. I'm afraid I'm not modeling the most healthy relationship for her. I watched my parents (married 55 years) live a marriage where they stayed for the kids and had a horrible relationship. They argure constantly and I knew that the relationship was horrible. When I WAW in May, I said "this for my daughter. The line of women in my family who aren't shown love and respected ends with me. My daugther will not see what I've seen". I came back because I knew there was a lot of selfishness in my act even though I "thought" it was for her. Days like the other day when she wanted Daddy so badly to go with us to the fair and he wouldn't...those are the days that I really wonder what the heck I'm doing. But, right now, I'm in it and I guess I'll know when I'm at the end of my rope. I guess I just wish, once in my life, I had a man who self sacrificed for me and slayed dragons for me. I know that's Cinderella kind of stuff but every once in a blue moon would be awesome.
I'm sort of glad that you've been crying. Many men wouldn't and you really need to. This sucks and you need to feel the pain to get through on the other side. Going around something is easier sometimes but going through it is what builds character and heals you from the inside out. Whatever the outcome, you will emerge from this stronger, wiser, better...
I'm praying for you and the kids. Try and have a good day and know we/I are thinking of you and here for you.
Take care of yourself Danny...really...take good care.
{{{hugs}}} Gina B
M 43 H 34 D 4 H asked for D on 6/21/09:1st D mediation 7/27;D says he wants to try 8/18; *I will stumble, I will fall down but I will not be moved.(N.Grant)
