She's baiting me isn't she?I try to be the nice, the hero and she turns that and everything else against me,even though i don't defend or argue, just my response back is an argument.
Dang it ayk, be patient and shut up!!!!Admitting what you know, is one thing, now work on it and have a life.
By the way I know she's watching me, her whole car deal,which her new car got towed in to the shop today...she wouldn't let me drop off a car..and she said it's my fault, I could've died when son gave me mail today and it was insurance for her new car without her name on it, just my name! I just said to myself, ahhhhhh s''t.
she new where I parked my car at the game, my parents said she kept watching me on the sidelines, she even said yesterday quit speeding down the st it's not attractive, today she emailed me yep your changing,but your controlling and embelishing isn't. and called me a liar. I didn't lie, but i did say hey if I got something wrong tell me and I'll correct it. She noticed new clothes and she is using my being nice and wanting to do the right thing against me. I keep thinking she's looking for security she isn't and I tell myself that and I get sucked into it.
I probably shouldn't have given her what I gave those cnslrs, but I wanted her to know I wasn't being mean.
I've realized lines have been drawn, the neighbor told her what I said, she damn near quoted it verbatim. I admitted my mistake, all of them to her today and I told the truth, misguided attempt to save something.
She said quit controlling me and do not tell me what to do.
I responded back with...
"you are in control and tell me when I say something controlling to you and I'll stop."
You keep hosing yourself because you are still trying to control the situation, trying to speed it up, trying to make some sort of decision happen. But the only thing that will happen if you continue on this path is an outcome that you really don't want.
You seem to have decided this is MLC. Well if it is, then acting the way you have been is not the solution. If it isn't, well, it still doesn't seem to be working.
MLC is a long process. A very very long process. It is not for the faint of heart. It is not for those who want to control everything. It is not for those without patience. Or those at least willing to try to develop patience.
MLC is filled with confusion. On the part of the MLCer and the LBS. It is filled with lies, projection, anger, and they will spew the most hurtful and hateful things at you that you will probably ever hear.
We have all been where you are. But if you can slow down, if you can listen and learn, which you seem to be trying to do, and then if you can control yourself enough, you can stop digging your own grave.
No matter how many changes you make right now, she is going to still see you the way she has seen you. You keep telling her you have changed, but then the small actions you do, show her that the other part of you is still there. She won't see that you have changed until you really have. Until you are living that way for you and no other reason.
So AYK, personally, I think the time has come where you have to decide something.
You have to decide if you really want to and believe you are capable of giving this the time that it may take to play out. You have to decide if, at this point, you are willing to stop trying to defend yourself, stop trying to be the "hero", stop trying to prove something to her. Stop saying DB phrases or things you have gained from counselors to her. Those thing are for you to learn and grow, not for her. And they don't show her anything other than you learned some new fancy phrase.
If you decide that you really do want to do this, and can really commit to it, and can really take the time to embrace it and yourself, you will stop digging your own grave.
If you can't do that, well...
They always say actions speak louder that words, but that doesn't mean they speak faster.
This is a time for you to learn and grow. And it is important because as this progresses, you will NEED the clarity, calm, and strength that you CAN gain now, to deal with what will come later on down the road. Trust me on that one.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
those cnslr's we saw didn't do me any favors i can tell u that.
I seem to remember you being told that...
But then again, you weren't there to actually work on you now were you...
You were trying to tell the professionals how to fix your wife so that YOU could avoid making any changes.
Maybe you should have them come in and tell you how to sell a car?
This hole you seem to be digging deeper into..
It is avoidable....very avoidable.
The reason it keeps happening is because you still admit NO fault in the downfall of your relationship, and you still think you can fix it...
If you can go back and sort through the fourty-something pages of good advice, well twenty and all the Twitters, you will see what needs to be done......
And you still choose to ignore all of it...
You are at a crossroads right now, decide what way you are going, and get on that path....
IF.....you can look into the mirror, and do the work, then I would say you may have a chance in a renewed relationship with your wife...
BUT.....If you don't get it soon, you will have pushed her away completely...
Listen to Mach and Cat......you are still focused on her and not you. You think that you can fix the situation quickly by trying to be nice and helping out....WRONG. You are sweating the truly small stuff to much. Let it go and focus on you.
I am going to list some irony's of your situation that may have happened or will;
You spend time with kids-She complains that you are doing it now to save marriage and resents you for not doing it the past
You don't spend time with kids-She thinks you are a deadbeat parent
You help fixing things in house-She thinks "You didn't help out before and are trying to save the marriage" and worse yet...she didn't ask
You don't help fix things-She complains that you are the same old person who never helped out.
Bring car over to house while new one is in garage-She didn't ask for it...you are being nice to save the marriage..resentful for you being open to her needs when in her mind you weren't before
Not bringing car to over-Resentful for you having car that you don't lend her
AYK.....I can on and on with this situations you will face that there is no win for you what so ever...and the list is very long. Anything nice you do will be viewed in one of two ways A) You are trying to save a marriage she doesn't want B)She resents you for being nice now that she doesn't want you anymore when in her mind you were never like that in the past. Remember what you think doesn't matter to her....it is what she thinks that counts. You could be built like Vin Diesel, have George Clooney's smile, and Brad Pitts hair....but if she thinks you are fat, have bad teeth, and are bald....that is what you are in her mind. That is just how it is. You can only control yourself...only answer to yourself....only improve yourself. Through those fixes she MIGHT see you again as how you are and not as how you were in the past.
What book would someone recommend on control issues and good communication?
And you're right I'm in a no win. I work on myself do fine then something comes up with her and i can't keep up and it ruins me all over again.
And she's not sane right now, the reason she wants a divorce is she enjoys the fact "she can eat cereal for dinner and take a bath at 7 pm and go to bed."
All along I should've just said, let's come up with a schedule for the kids and an amount you need for support.
Then I'd have the ability to work on myself and not get sucked back in.
Briefly, if it doesn't involve the kids or "business issues"
I IGNORE IT AND DO NOT RESPOND TO HER?
IF I NEED SOMETHING I ASK HER?Like hey can I grab a winter coat?
Work on myself, which, these are my issues,I lose patience,my self esteem is shot, I embellish when I get anxious with her, and I don't know how to speak without sounding self centered and I have control issues,I am too generous to a fault.
And yes she has already used the you didn't do before,now you are,etc.
And yes I'm a deadbeat parent she said because I'm only taking the kids for a couple hrs at a time.
What book would someone recommend on control issues and good communication?
Then I'd have the ability to work on myself
This is what I'm talking about...
Still looking for a shortcut on this thing.....
I COULD recomend some things, but then who has actually done any work.
Try Googling controlling behavior, and see if it applies to you ...
But, you aren't going to change unless you realize there is a problem to begin with.
I'm not gonna bail on you, but it is frustrating seeing you do the same things over and over when there are so many good, no , great people trying to help and you don't listen.
AYK, you are the only person that can do the work for you
