Wow. I felt some of that. I understand and agree with "you get what you give" and I do try to live it every day. I am still offering the hugs, the good nights, the cards, notes, etc. And the kids offer them to me every day and we end each day in "I love yous." As much as I try to offer them to her, she pushes away. Maybe I need to keep trying, but after trying again and again, I got the advice to and/or naturally wanted to detach.
Reality is that when the EAs happened, I did forgive her. I did sit down with her and try to understand what was missing and what I did wrong. I forgave her again when it happened again. The thing that has stuck with me is that she never asked for forgiveness, but rather joked that I "missed my chance" to be with someone else during that time. Maybe you could read this and think I didnt forgive, but in reality I feel I did but just dont understand.
As time has gone by, we have tried on occasion to talk and explore what needed to change, but generally it has ended in little progress. Frankly, she has refused to engage at that level. Instead, conversations are more transcational and days get filled with kids activities and schedules vs. true sharing and communication. Her not living in the same room has never changed and certainly made it easier to isolate.
I have made mistakes no doubt and I do not put it all on her. I generally do not engage in the arguments and have protected the kids from many, many potential others. But that does not stop the attacks, raised words, etc. I try to not focus on what "she needs to do differently" or her faults. I continue to say good night, try to give hugs to her, and give her the space she wants. But, I do not feel this is a 2-way relationship. Do I trust her - not enough but there are too many stories to post in this forum.
Maybe I need to sit down and say I'm sorry more than I have or more deeply than ever before. It's a good suggestion. I am sorry. I WANT and have wanted this to work or I would have been gone long ago. It would have been a lot easier then.
I have not reminded her of the past nor been the constant critic of her faults. I have tried to do more of what she asked, but it never appears to be enough. And I am not getting much reciprocation. Encouragement and support are missing. But how much more can I give and not get back? How do I get her to engage?
