I cannot tell you how sorry I am that you..and the kids..are going through this. I'm sure that it must have been a very, very bad day for you all. Her response and the way in which she responded showed very little respect for your feelings. The truth is, WAS seem to not care much for our feelings. It's sort of all about them. They just simply can't see past what they think, feel, need, or want.
I just want to understand one thing...your wife has her Real Estate license..or at least passed her test and everything, right? She just sold her first house? That is sort of a big deal. I'm just talking straight and hopefully you can straighten me out if I'm wrong but I think she did deserve a congrats or something along those lines. You didn't have to go overboard or anything...just a "I knew you could do it, congrats" sort of thing. She seems to me like she needs to be validated by you. LIke she believes that you hold all the "strings" and she's got nothing and is nothing and you are the career guy, etc. I"m sure none of this is how you deliberately make her feel but I sense that she feels that way none the less. One thing I've learned is that WAS, it's not about what's real. It's about what they perceive is real.
Now, she may never have wanted to go to Retrouvaille in the first place and may be using this as her "accuse" as she said. EAsier to blame you than to man up and just say "I dont want to go". In all of this though,I think the one thing I feel about her is that shes trying to find who she is and part of who she believes she is is in your validation of her. Am I making sense? I am not taking her side, I'm not making excuses for her thoughtless, hurtfull behavior. I'm just trying to show you a side that you might not be looking at.
The bottom line to all of this is the kids. Deliberate or not, she is hurting them horribly and that's what is the most difficult and painful as the LB parent. To watch as your spouse destroys the family word by word.
I know that you say it's over and it seems like you mean it. Just remember, if you do feel like you have some fight left, she hasn't actually filed yet. These were just words so far. Nothing more.
I know you have been on the end of your rope for a long, long time. I'm just going to throw this out there. If she wants a divorce, let her reap the consequences for those words. Be cordial yet as removed as possible...detach as much as you can with love and respect and just let it go. By letting go you are fighting for you. You cannot control her and only you so be the father that your children will respect through all of this. I'm not saying not to feel terrible...you have the right to..but do what you can to make those children feel that you are someone that they can count on and respect through this. Just do the best you can to get through each day thinking of them and of yourself.
I wish I had better words to make you hurt less. You are a very strong man and you are trying hard....I am just so terribly sorry that this is happening to you.
We're all here to help you through this..whether you decide to commit to being hopeful until the end...or decide that this is what needs to happen. We're here and I am here to listen.
For the next few days be gentle with yourself. Allow youself to be sad and hurt and angry and then do what you can to focus your energy on the things that you can control and that give you joy...mainly the kids. We sure do love our kids, don't we.
Wishing you peace for the continued journey..wherever it takes you...
Talk soon...Gina B
M 43 H 34 D 4 H asked for D on 6/21/09:1st D mediation 7/27;D says he wants to try 8/18; *I will stumble, I will fall down but I will not be moved.(N.Grant)
