bit of an update. feeling a little isolated these days but am a month away from finishing my grad degree so just need to stick with it. Haven't bothered looking for a job because there aren't many out there and need to spend the time writing my thesis.
spent day with old friend and XW yesterday. Bit of an eye-opener for me. This was the second time XW and I have done something together in 2 years - she always refused after the bomb because she only wanted to spend time on her PhD (and with OM/fellow researcher).
We still had the usual great interactions but I've gotten really good at not sharing myself during those talks. Bit weird because she made A LOT of inferences about our life together - not in a I-want-to-be-back-together way but just in a matter of fact way. I have tended to push all that out of my mind. Can't see any real reason to reminisce - you feel nostalgia when you're sharing with good friends, not XWs.
Anyway, I realized that I would never want the life she has now, but could see how much she enjoys that life. She spends most her time on her career and a broad network of acquaintances, while I concentrate on personal time and a few deep friendships. I'm very glad for her, and I miss her, and wish it could have worked out. And wish I was in a better place myself. But now I can really say that the D wasn't anyone's fault, it was just who we were. I'm not driven by a career and she'll never compromise herself for the good of a relationship. Still don't think I can be friends, but I surely can continue being friendly.
Have enjoyed being a scrounge this summer, am not looking forward to fall/winter and less daylight, and really need to get all my good post-bomb eating/exercise routines back. But it'll happen. I know that now. Feel a bit like the D and the layoff gave me a double-whammy, but when I could have easily sunk into a massive MLC as a result, I haven't. There's a spark inside all of us just waiting to be rekindled.
