Is it feasible to try to move on from this pretty quickly and move on to really rebuilding our marriage so the marriage becomes the main focus not the A?
I think it would be different for every couple, however, K I am wondering if you aren't wanting to jump over this part b/c it is so painful and get to the next stage. As horrible as this is....it is necessary. Almost like a surgery before healing. I think getting it out in the open is better than trying to sweep it under the rug and pretend not to see it there. It would be so tragic if it wasn't dealt with and then things fell apart b/c you didn't ask questions or talk to him about how you felt all the time the A was going on.
As the WAS, I can see how his shame & sorrow simply overcame him to the place he was physically ill. I can't remember right now if you said you asked him that night to hold you or not....but if you didn't then he sure wouldn't know what was the next move to make. If you did and he didn't feel as if he could do that.....don't take it personally but I think it was due to his own case of being so upset. You see, I believe we WAS are hit by what we did at different time and degrees.....just as the LBS are hit at different times. Since your H is feeling such sorrow over his actions, then you have to realize that he is going through his own personal hell, too. You are hurt and feel betrayed.....but you can't possibly know what he is feeling knowing that he is the one that did the hurting and the betrayal. He knows he ruin what was so special between the two of you.....but it is done and he can't undo it....as badly as he would love to. I think it's great that he has been able to make a turn-around like he has and be ready to go to work on the M. Not all WAS are that willing or energetic.
You have brought up the fact that watching movies is a serious trigger for you. I can relate that to how reading romance novels were a trigger for me to feed my WAW fantasizing. I have not had a desire to read anymore of that stuff since I told the OM good-bye. What I am saying is that for a while, you may need to watch fun type of movies and stay away from the serious ones and especially romantic ones. Not forever, but for a while.
I am so glad to hear that you are a forgiving person K, b/c it is going to take a lot from you. And you know, maybe it is something that a person has to do several times a day until they can began to coop. You have to do what works for you. As I have said before, if it takes the two of you....or just you....to go seek help in some guidance in getting through this, then it would certainly be worth it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
