The adventure chronicles

[AFWAW]

if she's serious she probably isn't going anywhere.

Here's where I believe she isn't serious. Everytime I have a little bit of doubt, it is erased by my wife's actions. She called to speak with my D and then asked to speak with me. I declined of course. When my D got off the phone she came to me and reported that her mom had said, it's sure funny that your Dad bascially begged me to come home and now that I'm ready to come home, he won't talk to me?

Well, I'd have to say there is a major lack of respect in the way she's behaving. She shouldn't be talking with my D about this anyway and to go so far as saying what she did indicates to me that nothing has changed and that she still wants to be controlling.

Obviously, if AFWAW isn't interested (or doesn't know) whether he wants to even explore a relationship with his wife again, then as he said, it would just be leading her on to even bend a little. That's what I was trying to figure out.

That's exactly why I haven't been communicating with her. I don't want to give her any false hope at this point.

AF, sorry to offend. Anyway, when I asked about how you'd feel in 3 months if she said she was going to move on, I didn't mean if you are together again. I was meaning, if you don't let her back in a bit, but instead keep telling her it's over, and she eventually moves on (as you have), will you feel you missed a chance?

You didn't offend, your post just brought out the worst in me. All those memories and that hurt came back to me in a flash and I wouldn't wish that on anyone certainly not my wife, however, I don't think I can put myself in the position that she wants me in. She is very controlling and I think until she realizes that she is controlling nothing will change, ever. I don't think I will have missed a chance either. Before I thought there was no way I could get another woman and I realize I was selling myself short. I want a woman that wants to be around me, that respects me for me, wants to spend time with me, enjoys me, loves me, etc. Judging from the way my wife is talking to my D, she doesn't respect me still. She may love me but I don't think she wants to be around me and I don't think I want to be around her at this point. Like I said, I'll probably think about up until I sign the papers but after that I'll be good. And I don't believe for a second that I'll be in that 20% group that remarries their spouse if I end up divorcing.

[AFWAW]

Well, I finally talked to the wife today. She called to talk to my D and my D said she wants to talk to you about me. I said ok and for the most part she contained herself to talking about D's schoolwork. She then proceeded to ask me about my social life. My response--it's great, thanks for asking. How are things going with your friend. Great, she's a good friend. Then she asked about how I feel. My response--I don't know how I feel right now. She sounded kind of defeated for the most part and wasn't pursuing very hard. Even was kind of rude at one point. That just makes it easier for me regarding my decision.

Felt like she was fishing so I said, well, hey I have to get off here and eat lunch so I'll talk to you later, bye!

[GH31]

Oh John,

leaving her daughter, risking her career(adultry is a crime in the military as is fraternization), not speaking to her parents anymore or mine and on and on and on. And the lies, oh there were so many lies.

What you wrote above is so, so, so familiar (see my situation).

I sincerely wish you the best my friend.

[GH31]

Good God your W sounds like mine.

Exactly like her.

Incredible.

I feel comfort knowing that someone else has walked in my shoes and also sadness knowing that many other chaps have had to deal with this.

[AFWAW]

GH31,
Sorry to hear about your predicament. Hope things get better for you soon. I don't envy you. Said a prayer for you today.

Well, I guess I'll update. Just got back from my cruise w/ my D and the wife is pulling out all the stops. She has begged and pleaded and promised me the moon and the stars if I'll just forgive her and let her move home.

Since I've emotionally detached I've had a lot of time to think. That mental image of my wife having sex w/ other men is disturbing. The worst part though are the lies that she told to cover it up and the cruel things she said to me.

So, why is this so hard? Anyone? Why the freak can't I let go all the way? I mean, I've had other offers. She is so desperate right now though. It's like watching a car wreck--it's hard to stop watching. I mean, I still love her and care about her but how would I ever get past this? And what about the horrible time that I went through? I mean, I don't want her to suffer that way but I'm not sure I feel sorry for her based on the fact that she made this decision.

Another thing is that my D absolutly despises her mother right now. She told my D that she had a BF at one point and that he was very good looking. How does a 13 year old process that? On the surface, it appears that my D has little to no respect for her mother.

Just venting right now really. I know this is my decision. On one hand, I want her back. We have a lot of history together. But I think I would always be thinking about where she is at and what she is doing. On top of that, I'm still human and probably would be vindictive and harsh at times where it wouldn't be warranted if she came home.

On the flip side, I've really started to enjoy myself regardless of where I'm at. I mean, I have a good time everywhere. At work, home, doctors office, dentist, you get the picture. I've embraced the philosophy that life is a party dammit and I'm going to have a good time. If I take her back there will be stressors of course that may take away from my new approach and I don't want that. It is amazing the attention I've recieved since I've started acting this way--simply amazing.

So, what to do? Tick, tock, tick, tock. Anyone care to comment?

[futureunknown]

She made you wait for months while she went through her process. I'd say take the pressure off YOU, give yourself however much time YOU need, and just see how you feel as time goes by. One thing I've learned going through this is the value of TIME. It has a way of clarifying things.

[undrdg]

can you forgive her with all your heart? and really do so?
Do you love your wife enough to let her back in?

I am struggling with the opposite. Letting her go.

If you say yes, you have to mean it.

[Dia]

IMHO, her moving back in with you is probably a mistake. Living separately and dating while you figure stuff out? Better.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

IMHO, her moving back in with you is probably a mistake. Living separately and dating while you figure stuff out? Better.

This ^ .

Puppy

[GH31]

Hey AFWAW,

Thanks for the wellwishes. I'm going to comment on a few things that you've written but please understand that it's my opinion only. It is of course much easier for me to talk a good game than to play one.

I know this is my decision. On one hand, I want her back. We have a lot of history together.

I understand this. Absolutely. I've felt all of that too.

But I think I would always be thinking about where she is at and what she is doing.

And I have felt this too. And you feel it for a very good reason, because your trust and faith in your W has been violated time and time again. There's a huge danger of feeling stupid for letting your W anywhere near you again. There have been many times when I opened up to my W, only to bitterly regret it shortly thereafter.

On top of that, I'm still human and probably would be vindictive and harsh at times where it wouldn't be warranted if she came home.

This is likely too. In fact, speaking from my own experience, there's been times when my W has done something objectionable and I've unleashed fury, calling her horrible things.

I have lost count of the vile and cruel things my own W has done, like having sex with OM whilst pregnant with our son, say horrible things about my family to me, lying, saying she wants her life to be with OM, helping herself to money out of my wallet etc. If you've been through anything similar you're not going to forget about it in a hurry.

It's much easier to give advice than to take it. So FWAW, do with it what you will. Whatever you do and decide you have my sincerest best wishes and support.

Did you say that there were several OMs? If this is true then I would not go anywhere near her again. These are just the OMs that you know about. I would be amazed if there weren't others that you didn't know about. Or, just one OM that she got herself entangled with? Maybe take her back, but I know how hard it would be to go there again. And she would be walking a tightrope with you for a very long time.

I would be inclined not to take her back but, it's your decision alone and I sincerely wish you the best.

cheers,
GH31