Now the patience will be tested. Nothing has really changed one way or another. Things are good but I'm starting to get a little itchy. Noticing I'm having a problem with giving with expectations. Not even sure what it is I'm expecting. Now that I think about it maybe I'm expecting her to initiate something, anything. A touch on the arm, a hug maybe. What I am getting is lots of thank yous. An over abundance of thanks but I'm looking for more.
I'm feeling more and more like she is getting her needs (connectedness, not being alone, unfettered access, etc.) met at the expense of mine (structure, intimacy, time to myself). My concern is if this continues for much longer I will grow increasingly resentful of everyone around me.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
So I'd like to ask a question or at least get some feedback from you folks. I have a pending court date of Nov 18th. I want to push this back for two reasons; one I don't want to be in court during the holidays and two I'm trying to delay to get to the next retro date in Feb.
We made it through our first mediation session and W wants to go back. However, there really is nothing else to discuss and W has not mentioned it in two weeks.
My approach is this;
Text W with "We need to talk about the D, let me know when you have 5-10 minutes"
During conversation say the following: "I am going to file a motion to delay the D by 150 days so I don't have to deal with this during the holiday." I will address the retro topic later.
Thoughts comments?
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
Well the conversation came and went. Got agreement from her to move court date. Also got her to commit to retro. Not proud of how I did it but I got the job done.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
Well the conversation came and went. Got agreement from her to move court date. Also got her to commit to retro. Not proud of how I did it but I got the job done.
How did you get her to commit to retro?
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I originally set up a call to talk just about moving the court date. I did that and she said in her normal dismissive way that nothing was going to change. That's always a big trigger for me. She went on to say how much she cared about me, how sad she was the kids had to go through this, how sad it made her to be separated during the holidays.
My simple response was I don't believe that you are any of those things. If you actually cared you would try and change things but you haven't. You've tried nothing and your all out of ideas. Your looking for that magic spark or sign that will never show up unless you make it happen. I added I was serious when I told her before that I really don't want to be in a relationship with her either at this point. However, I can't just let it go without exhausting all our options.
She responded with her typical I don't want you to get your hopes up that we will reconcile. I said I don't really care. Told her I was a little tired of not having a voice. We got married together but she is only one who gets to decide we are done.
I'm not asking for her to commit to anything other than trying. If we get through retro and all things say no. I'm done. Its that simple.
There were a few other comments. Most of them about how my needs are not getting met in this "friendship" that we have. Not sure how we can continue to be friends if we are so divided on a polarizing item such as our actual M.
She wants as a condition of retro a legal separation. I did not agree to that.
DISCLAIMER: WARNING DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME! I'm not saying what I did was right. She may call me later and say she just wanted to get me off the phone. We shall see. I think I bought some time. Now for some serious GALing.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
Something else that we talked about is more on this concept of friends. I really struggle with this one and I expressed my concerns. How can get along so well and be divorced. That goes against my entire thought pattern. People get divorced because they have affairs or because they can's get along. At least that is the image in my head. I can't imagine being friends with someone who has hurt me so badly. Someone who doesn't see the value of being in a committed R. Maybe I'm way of base here but that's how I roll.
She said she likes it when we are getting along. Makes her happier when she goes to work, etc. I like that as well but it always takes me back the question of if we are getting along so well why are we getting a D? I'm sure someone has this figured out somewhere.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
