Well, I made it through. She is resolved to get a divorce. She told the attorney today, in regards to finances, that she didn't trust me. The attorney said that everything is open in a divorce so that should not be a concern. I did provide everything, even remembering a 33 year old life insurance policy of mine and included that.
I pay $400 in child support, which I will gladly do.
We agreed to 50/50 placement of the kids. Financial details still need to be worked out, but the attorney/mediator said she was impressed how fair and amicable we were being and even suggested that we not need a mediator if we could continue this route.
Afterward my wife and I talked on the sidewalk. She was clearly mad at me, but spoke more rationally. I never cried, asked her to reconsider, etc.. We will talk again on Wed when she comes home, sort of a transmission meeting for the sake of the kids. She wants to file ASAP and I don't think I should do anything to delay it...just sign with her and get that part over with.
In WI it takes at least 4 months to divorce, most are 6 - 8 months.
After I left (we were 90 miles from home), she called me because she was lost and needed directions, I gave them to her and got her going.
I actually felt okay, but more certain that we aren't going to be doing a 180 in the divorce process, but I am still hopeful.
Sandi, you asked about how I pray...I talked to the kids about that too...just because God doesn't give you what you ask for doesn't mean he wasn't listening. When they pray, they do say "please don't let mom and dad get a divorce" and then I add, with them, unless that is the best for our family according to your plan. It is hard to not follow my own advice. I admit that I pray to have this stop. "I've learned my lesson God", but mainly I pray for strength and wisdom, courage and an open heart. I think I've gotten those as gifts from God, but my wife is still focused on divorce, even saying today that we have to get this going because the limbo is emmotionally tough. No kidding.
My main comments with her today focused on keeping the focus on the kids, working to be friends in the end and showing the kids that if Mom and Dad couldn't make a marriage work, at least they could do the next best thing and be good co-parents and friends.
It kills me to think of her re-marrying, my kids having a step dad (though she says she has no interest in that...it is just a matter of time for both of us...probably years done the road...but I am a planner and thinker, so I think of this stuff). More often I think of lonely holidays, not just for me, but for her. The holidays without the kids, at her parents house are going to be so sad. I guess I am happy that she will be doing 50/50 because then I get holidays too, but I just am sick that this will hurt more than us, it will hurt the kids, the grandparents and so many others.
So, do I act happy with her? Do I go out and live it up, show her I am enjoying my new found freedom? I don't know. I know that this approach is the best. So many people have told me how amazing I have been doing and how my outlook is so positive, even in the face of divorce; but it is a facade, I want to believe this will all be a bad dream, but I wake up each day and realize it is not.
One day at a time is all we can do. I am numb again today. I'll probably watch another marriage movie tonight like Fireproof or Chaos Theory.
Thanks for thinking of me. Everyone's comments here help so much.
