Last week monday my wife of 22 years left. Said she has been unhappy for a while.She also said that she Loves me but isn't in Love with me anymore. She didn't bitch about me to much mostly about work, kids, money, house. I was completly shocked. We had problems about 10 years ago and we worked them out then, she said I was stuck with her for life even up to a few months ago but now shes changed her mind. Shes been seeing a counselor since may for being unhappy. She used to talk me me about the visits but one day she just stopped and I thought okay shes cool with me and didn't want to talk to me about the other stuff. We were also snapping at each other more than ever and I just decided to talk to her as little as possible to prevent a fight as it seemed most talks would lead to. She says shes 100% sure but then says this might not make her happy either, she might come back in a day ,a week, she doesn't know. She says she doesn't know what she needs to do to convince me shes wants to leave so she took off her rings, told me shes filling out paperwork. Make no bones about it I'm no angel either. I'm shocked and so is everyone that knows about it on both sides of the family. I know I've tried a bunch of the wrong things already with some good things. She wants space and i'm trying to give her that as much as possible. there have been a few days I waited for her to call and saturday we didn't talk at all. We have had some good talks since this has happened but she says its too late. She is going to ask her counselor if I should go in with her. I'm lost,hurt, and think its unfair to me and our kids but I don't know what to do anymore other than give her what she wants. There is no other guy involved as I totally believe her and trust her when I asked.
There is no other guy involved as I totally believe her and trust her when I asked.
On what evidence do you base this? Have you looked into it independently? Because if she is, and you ask her, she's only going to lie about it, and she's certainly exhibiting many of the classic signs.
Is she dressing differently, any recent weight loss, change in musical tastes, etc.?
Sorry about your sitch, but glad you found us. Great place for support and also to vent.
Quote:
think its unfair to me and our kids but I don't know what to do anymore other than give her what she wants
Best thing you can do during this difficult time in your life is to work on YOU and be the best dad you can. The personal growth I have went though is amazing. MsR2C and I are walking different paths right now, but that does not mean we will always walk separate paths.....Work on me, give up control to God and keep moving forward.....
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Hang in there, MOS. I'm new to this site as well. As much as you don't think there's an OM, do some investigating just in case. My W dropped the "I don't love you anymore" bomb on me a month ago. I never suspectedn an OM. Then I found a flirty email exchange between her & a coworker. I literally never saw it coming. Never even heard this coworker's name mentioned before. At the very least, after "checking up" on her a bit, you'll be able to rule out an A.
I wish you the best. Post and read often. There are some very helpful people on here.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
Our problem 10 years ago was a one nighter with some guy, back then she thought she had to leave me for being unfaithful this time is different. We made it through that and I totally believe her, she doesn't want to hurt me like that again, she just wants to be happy. She works in a 2 women office and then is a home body and doesn't go out. When she tells me there is no om she is sincere. We use to fall in a funk every few years but it always worked out, now its been a long long time and she says shes tired and can't do it anymore.
Would you sell your old car & not buy a new one ??????
if the cost of ownership outweighed the utility
Quote:
for anyone to walk AWAY from something have to be walking TO something
Maybe what some people walk away from is the pain, frustration, disappointment, hopelessness etc. The pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Sorry for your situation MOS. I will just chime in to supportively suggest you start the path of Self-Improvement and relinquish control over her.
Either way you'll better yourself, and either you'll find that you're becoming more equipped to survive this or you'll make yourself more attractive to her, or hopefully both.
This is a very helpful place to vent your thoughts and get some feedback.
Age: 28 Wife's Age: 28 Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off) Married: Less than one year Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
I understand your pain. However you have to acknowledge that your W is unhappy and that unless it's biochemical (depression, etc) she has reasons for what she feels. Reasons that you have played some part in. My wife was a giver who thought she had to earn love. That wore her out and I let her do that, encouraged that behavior until she could take no more. She was burned-out and empty. So now I have a long road ahead of me, being the giver, showing unconditional love and acceptance.
You don't seem to understand what was making her unhappy. Affairs aren't the bigger issue. People reach breaking points after years of dealing with specific problems. Often they stuff their feelings down until they burst out. If you haven't read one or both DB or DR, do.
It's hard, but ultimately you will have to let go. Your W is a person who arrived at her decision for a reason. You can't control her and if you could it would make it worse. People will tell you to work on you because that's all you can work on. Don't push her, show remorse or show anger. You don't have to accept it, but you should accept her and her feelings even if you don't understand or agree with them.
Hope that helps. It's a hard road and it's uphill. But this place will help you through the tough spots.
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
Our problem 10 years ago was a one nighter with some guy, back then she thought she had to leave me for being unfaithful this time is different. We made it through that and I totally believe her, she doesn't want to hurt me like that again, she just wants to be happy.
And what exactly about moving out, is going to make her happy? Unless you yell at her all the time, or physically abuse her or something... the only way she'd be happier without you in her life, and NO-ONE ELSE in her life, is if you make her miserable.
Do you?
Otherwise, 9 times out of 10, "I need space" is code for "I need you to get out of my way so I can experiement more freely with my new boyfriend"
