K.. could you give him a chance? I believe him. He doesnt love her, he is NOT sleeping with her again, he probably never loved her (despite the excitement of the first 6 months of the A, he might've thought he did then, but its possible to look back and think, WTF was I thinking?? I never loved them!...I should know, I've had that experience myself!). Remember my bf said the exact same thing, he didnt want to tell her ANYTHING about me when it ended, it wasnt about me, it was about her, that it wasnt right with her. Thats what your H said. So, I just think its not that relevant, but you do have to take a leap of faith that its done and they wont be in contact.. as I had to (and their companies are in business together).
I know you are angry, hurt, p*ssed off and tired. But you could finally get what you've been fighting for for 3 years !? Maybe you would end up with a rock solid M. And yes it would be hard to mend, really hard. But D is hard. Being a single Mum is hard. Dating random new guys and introducing them to your kids is hard. Remember I said we had paid our dues by September and you would KNOW by end October which was this is going to go and be out of limbo. You got to jump one way or the other now!
xxx ps.. yes yes, I know, I'm crazy. Me and your 'moderate' gf hey.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
He's scared. Plain and simple. He loves you, I don't doubt that. He isn't equipped to SHOW you though.
Are you definite on the D? Is it REALLY what you want? I know you feel it's what you NEED. Big difference. I didn't want a D, but I needed it because without it I felt like I was being ground beneath Gabe's foot. I felt smothered and out of control even of my own private time because I was so consumed by the pain. I'm going to be totally honest here...brace yourself....if I could do it over and find a way to get my head into better condition through therapy then I would not have pushed the D through and would probably still b dangling in limbo. However, I would have been able to be more clear on my path without making decisions based on desperation and feelings of hopelessness.
Think on that K. I know you have fought HARD, but you haven't been fighting with full disclosure. Now you have all the intel....what is your definite next step?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Hey Kalni, I might not have ever posted in your threads before, but I've been reading for the past several months. I'm an old school DB'er. Divorced now, but still read from time to time and give input when I can.
It seems to me that deep down inside (through all the anger and resentment) you still really love him. Which is completly normal. I went through the same thing, although it wasn't years of lies like yours was...more like a single year.
I think your current goals (all jokes aside about the expensive gifts) should be for you to lay out in detail what it would actually take for you to reconcile your relationship with your husband. It might look like a mountain and seem like it will take years to accomplish, which it probably will.
Then, if you think it suits your goals, send those requirements to your husband. If there is a chance, you might as well show him what it's going to take. Just remember, those requirements will be some for you and some for him... probably most for him. Let him know that it's possible and even probable through all the hurt and anger and resentment that even if he does accomplish everything, that you still might not be able to forgive and take him back. If you can't, it's understandable. The hurt is really hard to get over.
It's just an idea, but I think if you find that you really really love him, then you need to lay out a course of goals and actions to accomplish those goals. If you really want to move on, then it's time to move on and not worry about his current actions.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
Floyd, after everything that has happened that I know of, and yes it was 1 year of cheating and 2 years of continuing the A while he was gone and DENYING he had an affair with the spesific person he did have it, I know I still love him. Or as I have said before, I know I am attached to him in a way that is very very strong and could, under the right circumstances, flourish and become love again.
The problem is, I dont trust he is able to make the effort to create these circumstances. I am afraid I will end up in a couple of months resenting him for trying to push everything under the carpet until a new blonde enters the scene. I know I sound bitter but it is the truth.
Sunny and Ali both talked about a leap of faith. I am having difficulties with that since he doesnt DO anything.
A list of requierements? He has received at least 3-4 emails about what I need, how I dream of a good relationship and that was even before I confirmed the A. He never responded to any of those. And sadly, he doesnt respond now either.
I did tell him I want him to make it clear to her he wants me and our M. He says she is out of his life and it would be awkward to contact her out of the blue to tell her that since he already had the no contact discussion. To accept that, would be taking a leap of faith...
I asked for TIME. Something we BOTH agree is essential and played a big role to the break up of our family. And we say time, we both mean, good times, creation of happy memories, couple time as well as family time. He said he cant do much about that at the moment but he has a plan and should be able to put it to work, in the next 3 months.
Maybe I should turn this around and ask him what exactly is he willing and able to do and see if that would be enough to at least drop the D and take it slow.
mish, you are right. I feel I NEED the divorce more than anything. I hate to be living in limbo and have my life on hold. After what happened last year, I wouldnt even dream of "dating" while I havent signed the papers yet. And what you said about you, doesnt come as a surprise to me. I think all divorces that happen "fast" are at some point questioned by BOTH parties. K
after everything that has happened that I know of, and yes it was 1 year of cheating and 2 years of continuing the A while he was gone and DENYING he had an affair with the spesific person he did have it, I know I still love him.
Why? FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
after everything that has happened that I know of, and yes it was 1 year of cheating and 2 years of continuing the A while he was gone and DENYING he had an affair with the spesific person he did have it, I know I still love him. Or as I have said before, I know I am attached to him in a way that is very very strong and could, under the right circumstances, flourish and become love again.
Frank, you reminded me of TV guys, that take sentences out of context, LOL!!! To asnwer your question : I guess something is wrong with me. K
