Young couple in need of help

[sumguy27]

Still haven't talked with her. She has called twice this morning and sent another text to either respond to her text or pick up the phone. I'm going to push this further till this weekend.

[MrBond]

Don't do that. She wants to ask you a question concerning the kids and the plans that you had set up for next week.

Just send her a text saying that you've been busy and that she just needs to send you the information she needs for your son's medical. Then tell her if you are or aren't planning to take your kids next week.

Then turn off your phone. Just get the message back. The key is to not be rude, just act busy.

[sumguy27]

Did what you said stuck. I texted her that I have been busy and to call me later. She then texted back about dropping of the kids and about the bill. She then called and I answered and said that next week I will be busy most of the week 12 hours a day. That I can take them for a couple of days of the week till my school is done. She whined a little bit and said fine. About the bill I told her that I can help with half since I'm also low on funds.

Then about 15 mins later I got a text saying that my little girl is starting to walk. I asked where they were at I wanted to see it because heck I missed out on my son's first step. She then replied too bad you can see it when you have the kids. I wanted to reply back something hurtful but decided to just not reply at all.

[MrBond]

Good job at holding back from saying something to her. Don't get sucked into her games.

keep your interactions short and sweet. You're too busy for her.

keep that in mind.

When you have your kids, go out and do something fun. Then send a picture of them at the activity to her. Then turn off your phone. Don't respond to her. if she responds positively to the picture, just say you thought she'd like to see what the kids were doing and that's it.

Show her YOU are the responsible one here.

[sumguy27]

Just a little update for myself. A got a medical bill last night for my visit the begining of last month to get my meds. So I asked her if she had taken me off her insurance. (it was cheaper with her then my work place to have the family plan.) She said she didn't. I then asked its wired because I got a bill. She then said "oh the insurance company sends me a check to pay for it. I didn't know what it was for so I cashed it." wtf? I then asked her that I need her to take that amount out so I can pay for it. She gets mad for some reason and says "fine, when are you canceling the phone line?"

Mind you this was all through text. I didn't respond back to her right away as I was on the phone with a customer. She then text back "oh so now u ignore my question?"

m:I'm on the phone with customer please wait for a sec

w:sure

5 mins later

M: U know I do work also. When it comes with the line I have to wait till I have more funds. Its $175 to cancel the line.

w:yea but you can make payments I talk to (our friend) already

I didn't respond back. I'm starting to see this pattern that we have got going here since the separation. This back and fourth arguments and getting points from one another. Retailation and what not. I'm really feeling like I'm starting to let go or detach. The pain in the chest is not there anymore and I feel more like a really heavy load is off my shoulders. There are times when I do start feeling like maybe if I try just one more time to begg it might get through to her but I remember hearing and reading from everything about it not working. Or the urge is not as strong anymore. I'll think about it and just brush it off. This must be the feeling of detachment? I hope I'm going in the right direction. I know I had set some unrealistic goals at first. I wanted things to work out before November. Now I know its going to take a lot more time and paitence to fix this.

[sumguy27]

Geez. Just learned last night that when the W went out on friday night to the club, my friend had asked her where the kids were. (She has the kids) she said I had them that's why she's out. Of course he asked me last night at his house. Man I'm just getting sick of her going out every freaking weekend! I know I have no control over her and her actions but it seems like she is just getting worst and worst.

[sumguy27]

Just journaling for myself.

So yesterday I got a phone call from the W around the afternoon. I didn't pick up. She finally leave's me a voicemail. She tell's me she is going to drop off son to me because he is too much for her to handle at the moment. I didn't call back and just finish up on my cleaning. She calls back again and I didn't pick. So I decided after 20 mins to call her back. She told me she had called my mother already and is going to drop my son off to her. I asked what was going on with him. "He poured water all over my bathroom, and he is talking back and swearing at me." I just told her to drop him off to me instead. I wanted to bring it to her attention that maybe if she stoped swearing around him he wouldn't say those words. But I kept my mouth shut.

She shows up calls me and says can I get a napkin so she can check her oil. So I go to her car and I give her the napkin and she said can you do it? So I checked her oil. Low and behold there is barely any in there. I said you are dry. "And I told you already that you have to do a oil change." So I begin to take son out of his car seat and she then said "well aren't you going to take me to get some oil?" I was puzzled. Like huh? She said she had put some in last friday by herself why the heck did she need me to go with her? I said fine.

We pull up to Target.

W: I'm I just going to drop you off?

M: What are you serious? No. (she thought I was going to be my old self and run inside and buy the oil for her)

w: fine.

So she parks and we both get out and I grab my son. She's walking a head and i told her aren't you going to grab a basket? She grabs one and finally realizes it that I'm not going to buy her anything. So she starts shopping. Grabbing chips and movies (she grabed "The Break Up" and I started to chuckle to myself) We get to the automotive isle and she said well which one do I get? I told her 5w 30w and you can pick any brand you like. I told her to grab 4 just in case.

We get to the parking lot and she opens her hood. I stand there and watch. She is trying to loosen the oil cap with only a 3 finger grip. She looks at me and said," arent you going to help me? It took me 10mins friday to even open this." I said "oh come on you can do it." Seeing her struggle for a few minutes I took my plam and loosen it for her. She pours a full quart in without even checking the dipstick. She opened up another one and I told her to stop. I checked and she was a quarter too much.

I told her that she needs to get the oil change done instead of just refilling it. That the vehicle also needs a rotate and balance.

W: How long is that going to take? So I have to wait there?

M: Well yeah if your frist in line probably like a 1 hour.

w: Where I'm I suppose to go?

M: Pick a place and just go. Its not that hard. Well got To Tires Plus that is where I bought the tires so you can use the free rotate and balance.

w: I don't want to sit there forever?

M: Now you know what I do for you when I had to take care of both of the cars.

I grab my son and she tried again to prolong my conversation with her. I grab his stuff and just kind of ignored her and then she said "well ok bye."

I just don't get it. She has said many times. I don't need you for anything and I don't want to talk to you about anything but the kids. She knows I'm a gear head and our last 2 conversations other then the kids have been about her car. Is this her way of trying to communicate with me other then the kids? Is she starting to loosen up a bit? I have no clue. I feel like I have distance myself further away from her and I think she can sense it.

[robx]

Geez. Just learned last night that when the W went out on friday night to the club, my friend had asked her where the kids were. (She has the kids) she said I had them that's why she's out. Of course he asked me last night at his house. Man I'm just getting sick of her going out every freaking weekend! I know I have no control over her and her actions but it seems like she is just getting worst and worst.

- where were the kids?
If I read this correctly, she told someone you had the kids when she went out but I'm assuming you didn't.

Who had them? Are you at all interested?

No you can't control her going to the bar but you can get involved as per her telling people you were watching the kids when she was at the bar if that isn't the case.

[robx]

Just journaling for myself.

So yesterday I got a phone call from the W around the afternoon. I didn't pick up. She finally leave's me a voicemail. She tell's me she is going to drop off son to me because he is too much for her to handle at the moment. I didn't call back and just finish up on my cleaning. She calls back again and I didn't pick. So I decided after 20 mins to call her back. She told me she had called my mother already and is going to drop my son off to her. I asked what was going on with him. "He poured water all over my bathroom, and he is talking back and swearing at me." I just told her to drop him off to me instead. I wanted to bring it to her attention that maybe if she stoped swearing around him he wouldn't say those words. But I kept my mouth shut.

Nope, nope, and more nope.

I would tell her that she can't just drop off the kids when they're "too much for her" to handle. That's life, she has kids, she needs to take care of the kids when it's her responsibility & time to do so.

Leaving you has consequences, you aren't always going to be there to back her up and take care of her when she can't do things - it isn't your job to save her or take care of her anymore. It's your job to take care of the kids when you have them.

Another thing, your mother is your resource, not hers.
She needs to find someone else to watch the kids instead of using you or your mother.

Yes you can be there in the event of an emergency but not when she "can't handle it".

She's a big girl, she needs to act like one.

If she can go out to the bar & clubs, she's old enough to do that.

If she can have kids, she's old enough to take care of them.

She doesn't have problems "handling" going to the bar.

No excuses with taking care of the kids when it's her turn to do so. Stop enabling her, seriously, STOP!!!!

WAS's leave but still require some security & assistance from their LBS's and that is one thing that needs to change for them to realize that when they leave you, they also let go of the ability to ask for your help and for you to be a resource when she needs help. You aren't a resource to her anymore, stop letting her use you. Stop enabling her, you currently are. Speak to your mom, I know she wants to help, she's a good grandmother, she loves your kids but she has to get on board too.

Your wife needs to get used to you guys not being there for her anymore - she needs to know the weight of her actions, currently she's living in fantasy land, and she needs to live in reality. No need to be mean about it, let her be her own support system. You don't need to be that for her, if she doesn't want you as a husband, she has to let go of needing you to take care of her and things for her.

I hope you understand this point, it's a hard one for alot of LBS's to take care of.

As for the car issue, I would tell her that it's her responsibility to learn this stuff now, you aren't going to do it for her - it's really wussy behavior to do these things for her, she's using you, she knows it, maybe it's about time you knew it too and stopped her from doing so.

She is going to exhibit alot of crappy & bratty behavior at your expense until you demonstrate that you respect yourself enough to stop her.

She doesn't respect you currently, she uses you.

Stop that right now by respecting yourself.

Tough love, it's hard but it's required.

[sumguy27]

I am interested and I assumed she droped them off at her aunts house. I'm just mad at the fact that she said I had the kids to make herself look responsible. What I'm I suppose to do confront her about it?